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He Came Home a She

Kari is a compassionate and empathetic individual. She loves the earth and all its life. She is a believer in the dignity of each of us.

Even in pain there is beauty.  We were blessed by beautiful sunrises.

Even in pain there is beauty. We were blessed by beautiful sunrises.

It's Complicated

I was in a relationship with a very complicated man some years ago. He was the Romeo to my Juliet. After I had fallen in love, I found out that he was schizophrenic, DID and transgendered. It was a very confusing and upsetting time of my life.

When I first met him, I did not know what transgendered was, but he said he had been one while he was a teenager. He called himself a female name and began taking hormones. He had a job at the time and was a good employee. Later, he was fired from his job because he was transgendered. Because of this he decided it wasn’t worth transitioning and decided to live as a male. (At least that was his story.)

Once, after he came back from the psychiatric hospital, he returned as a she. I had believed him when he said being transgendered was a thing of the past, and did not fit into his current view of his life. If I had only known more about being transgendered I would have realized that it is not something you can change, like a habit. I was heartbroken, confused and angry.

This is a poem I wrote back then.

Gone Away

The man I love has gone away,

And left me all alone.

The body stayed and a girl

Who says it is her home.

The only person I could tell

All my secret woes,

Was not a person after all,

In fact, more like a ghost.

But in that girl

I see a shadow

Of the ghost I love

(He loved that girl

when he was above.)

He tried to warn me,

But I couldn’t see.

My love had

Caused a he.

Now she rules while he sleeps

How different life’s become.

She says mean things to make me weep,

Without realizing what she’s done.

At times I see the man so clear,

I don’t know what to say.

I wonder if he’s testing me

To see if I go away.

He asked me to marry him.

We talked about the girl.

He said she was put to rest

Long ago in another world.

Slowly I grew comfortable

And believed his love true.

Now I think I drove him mad,

As his love he grew to rue.

All the terrors in my mind,

Too old, too tall, too fat,

Are the tortures of my fear.

At least I hope it’s that.

© 2020 Kari Poulsen


Kari Poulsen (author) from Ohio on September 18, 2020:

dashingscorpio, I found out more about it and I can say there is a lot of wisdom in what you say. Being a woman in a male body with a very actively-growing beard was one of the hardest things for them. After a while they could only see "themselves" in the mirror. Which meant they could no longer see their beard. I shaved their face after that.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on September 18, 2020:

If someone believes they cannot be their "authentic self" they will never truly know what happiness is. I suspect when he said those days were gone he (wanted to believe) it was possible for him to accept things the way they were.

Just as I believe a person cannot "pray away the gay" I also believe if someone truly believes they are in the wrong body nothing can convince them otherwise. What they see in the mirror simply doesn't resonate with how they (feel) on the inside.

It's unfortunate for those who love them to be caught off guard with a "bait and switch". You become "collateral damage" as they finally resolve their internal struggle. Both men and women have gotten married to partners only to learn their mates were secretly gay and living in the closet. They often fake being straight to be accepted. Valuing images and what others think causes pain.

Transgender men and women don't have to fake having an anatomy they were born with. They have to (reveal how they feel) inside. I can't imagine thinking of myself one way and having a mirror tell me otherwise. I'm sorry you had such an unforeseen painful event. Thankfully we as human beings are fairly resilient.

Kari Poulsen (author) from Ohio on September 18, 2020:

Thank you, Pamela! The experience was painful because I was thinking only of myself. I am sure it was more painful for them.

Kari Poulsen (author) from Ohio on September 18, 2020:

FlourishAnyway, yes, I was in pain. But, we also had a great deal of love.

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on September 18, 2020:

I am sorry you had that awful experience that was so painful. Your poem tells the story very well.

Kari Poulsen (author) from Ohio on September 18, 2020:

Jo, I am so glad that she has love and support! I got over myself and supported their life. I must have been feeling very selfish at that moment.

FlourishAnyway from USA on September 17, 2020:

It’s obvious that they caused you a great deal of pain.

Jo Miller from Tennessee on September 17, 2020:

Sad for both of you. Being transgender is difficult for anyone but is much more accepted now. We have a granddaughter who has known she was different since she was very young. All of our family accepts her as she is. She wears boys' clothes all the time but is loved and accepted.

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