Good Enough is Only Temporary
I wasn't sure if I should share this one because it is my story from birth to present day. I hope it speaks to those who know that pain.
Good Enough is Only Temporary
The world seemed to consistently
And frequently insist I hear the words
You’ll never be good enough
From my family
From my friends
From acquaintances
From strangers
From my very own lips
Enough for it to hurt
So many mistakes made
Solely on the idea of just being enough
For no one that mattered
Fear ran my life
It cultivated my sadness
It nurtured my anger
Pushed me over the edge
Stole my choice
Dramatically pinned me down
Down into the depths of deception
Manipulated my perception
Of positivity into distorted thoughts
Into a negativity that dragged me
Across the carpet of a bedroom
Decorated with the gray matter
Of the brain I said I love to pick
And when I found myself
Unable to escape the voices
In my mind splattered across
The room where I lost my innocence
Where my naivety was preyed on
Because someone saw it in me
And couldn’t help but take advantage
Someone else’s fear magnified my own
So when I watched it all
Walk out of the front door
Insisting I would never be
Good enough for anyone
Except for that man that smiled
As he bit down deep enough
To leave a painful scar
For hours on end I waited
I planned every notch of the moment
When I knew no one would find me
When I knew I’d be alone
I barricaded myself in that fear
I threw the mattress on its side
And pushed it against the door
I threw what was left of the
Furnished room in piles
And stared at the décor that
Reminded me of a time full of love
When we built our lives together
With intentions of rocking chairs
On the front porch of a home
We’d never actually own
Looking around this
Seemingly bare bedroom
I fixed my first dose of
What I thought would bring me bliss
I tore the top of the wooden box
I drew up that liquid courage
Without a scream or a whimper
With every hope of ending
The pain and the misery
I felt every thought register
Just before I plunged head first into
That treacherous white fog
Blinding me from the torment
Of the reality of what was left
Only to wake up screaming in confusion
Not knowing how I could fail
At giving up on the empty house
That was once filled with the laughter
And pitter-patter of little feet
Followed by the sweetest sound
Of, “Wake up, Mommy!”
No, instead I woke up screaming
In the room where it all happened
Because I was already dead inside
And I couldn’t keep the mask on
So I kept on trying to avoid
The fact that waking up to love
Was not an instant option
I wanted it right now
I wanted my life back
I wanted to deny the truth
I wanted to run from it all
Thankfully, escape was unobtainable
Forgetting it was only temporary
I kept sitting in the memories
Of the good and the bad
I kept morbidly thinking of
Everything I would overcome
Everything I could gain back
Because that’s all it was
A temporary moment in my life
One that left me broken and dead inside
Only to finally let go and gain clarity
Only to show me it doesn’t define me
Only to show me how strong I am
I stopped trying to find
The quickest way to what I thought
Would be happiness inside and out
I’m making my way up
The road that will lead me there
From all that hurt emerged three gifts:
The strength of my mind
The courage in my voice
The hope in my heart
Fueled by my passion and drive
All of which motivate me
To keep my promise to the ones I’ve lost
To keep my head up and continue on
That’s the best gift I could give
The ones I’ve hurt in my life and
The ones that have hurt me
Because at the edge of that ledge
In the end, I realized
Whether we’re dead or alive
We all deserved better