Good Enough is Only Temporary

I wasn't sure if I should share this one because it is my story from birth to present day. I hope it speaks to those who know that pain.

Good Enough is Only Temporary

The world seemed to consistently

And frequently insist I hear the words

You’ll never be good enough

From my family

From my friends

From acquaintances

From strangers

From my very own lips

Enough for it to hurt

So many mistakes made

Solely on the idea of just being enough

For no one that mattered

Fear ran my life

It cultivated my sadness

It nurtured my anger

Pushed me over the edge

Stole my choice

Dramatically pinned me down

Down into the depths of deception

Manipulated my perception

Of positivity into distorted thoughts

Into a negativity that dragged me

Across the carpet of a bedroom

Decorated with the gray matter

Of the brain I said I love to pick

And when I found myself

Unable to escape the voices

In my mind splattered across

The room where I lost my innocence

Where my naivety was preyed on

Because someone saw it in me

And couldn’t help but take advantage

Someone else’s fear magnified my own

So when I watched it all

Walk out of the front door

Insisting I would never be

Good enough for anyone

Except for that man that smiled

As he bit down deep enough

To leave a painful scar

For hours on end I waited

I planned every notch of the moment

When I knew no one would find me

When I knew I’d be alone

I barricaded myself in that fear

I threw the mattress on its side

And pushed it against the door

I threw what was left of the

Furnished room in piles

And stared at the décor that

Reminded me of a time full of love

When we built our lives together

With intentions of rocking chairs

On the front porch of a home

We’d never actually own

Looking around this

Seemingly bare bedroom

I fixed my first dose of

What I thought would bring me bliss

I tore the top of the wooden box

I drew up that liquid courage

Without a scream or a whimper

With every hope of ending

The pain and the misery

I felt every thought register

Just before I plunged head first into

That treacherous white fog

Blinding me from the torment

Of the reality of what was left

Only to wake up screaming in confusion

Not knowing how I could fail

At giving up on the empty house

That was once filled with the laughter

And pitter-patter of little feet

Followed by the sweetest sound

Of, “Wake up, Mommy!”

No, instead I woke up screaming

In the room where it all happened

Because I was already dead inside

And I couldn’t keep the mask on

So I kept on trying to avoid

The fact that waking up to love

Was not an instant option

I wanted it right now

I wanted my life back

I wanted to deny the truth

I wanted to run from it all

Thankfully, escape was unobtainable

Forgetting it was only temporary

I kept sitting in the memories

Of the good and the bad

I kept morbidly thinking of

Everything I would overcome

Everything I could gain back

Because that’s all it was

A temporary moment in my life

One that left me broken and dead inside

Only to finally let go and gain clarity

Only to show me it doesn’t define me

Only to show me how strong I am

I stopped trying to find

The quickest way to what I thought

Would be happiness inside and out

I’m making my way up

The road that will lead me there

From all that hurt emerged three gifts:

The strength of my mind

The courage in my voice

The hope in my heart

Fueled by my passion and drive

All of which motivate me

To keep my promise to the ones I’ve lost

To keep my head up and continue on

That’s the best gift I could give

The ones I’ve hurt in my life and

The ones that have hurt me

Because at the edge of that ledge

In the end, I realized

Whether we’re dead or alive

We all deserved better