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God You are my Pain

My life through a looking glass, my battle with love and hate of my creator...

God Chose Me, A Personal Poem

Why did I have to go through all this pain?

I need someone to please explain,

In the years of my youth, I was used,

Abused, damaged beyond a reason to live

Where were you God? Even then,

I stepped into my purpose, I had a plan

this you also tried to command, I surrender over to you

Who knows more than me, what my life should be?

You God, gave me lemons, I made it lemonade,

You gave me metal, I made it a cage

To fight until there's no more left of the weakness

That thought that I needed You!

You chose me? Well I don't choose You!

All the trouble you caused me,

I pause for you to give me a reason why?

You let me fall, I caught myself

I fought myself, to withstand this world's

Cruelty of hope that you were actually near.

You said you know every piece of me,

Every molecule, that vibrates my hate

Every breathe my soul does take,

Of hairs that fall from my head,

did you know my child, would be born dead?

Did you know I would be raped and scraped of every

desire to follow you.?

I've washed my hands, now God I'm through,

bending to your whims of, “I love you my child,”

to woo me Lord, Is this your style?

While you take from me the love I'd prayed for

You could've made him love you like I do,

Never mind I forgot, I said I was through.

I mean while we're on the subject, let me just say

It didn’t have to end this way, I mean I gave you a list

You know when I prayed, for you to make up to me

All that you'd taken away. You had to know this was the cost you’d pay.

Lower yourself, stay humble they say,

Humble for What? You’ve showed me no grace,

You made it your mission to drown me in my mistakes

I’m guilted into serving you, I’m trapped into praise,

Of all the times you’ve deserted me, let me count the ways.

You literally and figuratively ripped my family apart

You made a CHILD suffer, God you have no heart

You want to use my pain for YOUR fame,

My Story for your Glory,

You didn’t stop waves from crushing my brother, yet you chose to save another,

You didn’t stop that hand, bald into fist, strangled out my breath

I breathe now with the disease of a distorted view of who you are

I plead when I read this bible with my eyes shut

I cry when I raise my hands to the sky, Why God?

Why do you choose me? Of all the beings on the earth,

Haven’t there been one that thirst, for your word more than I do,

I don’t know why I keep coming to you,

It slips my mind that I said that I’m through

Through with my remorse, for winning my freedom

even if freedom brought me chains, I’d rather be bound

than call on your name. My father, Lord Help me, who art in Heaven,

hallow it be, thine name, I can only proclaim the shame,

I feel that I spoke your name. I appeal the right to invoke,

my fifth amendment right to be silent and still.

Stolen my will to ignore all the signs of you, I sit blindly with my eyes I refuse

to see how beautiful, it is. How you rescued me the fool,

How you could’ve left me caged but you made an escape.

How you couldn’t let my brother live, but this wasn’t your will

when his mental state would cause him to hate, all that you are

you showed mercy..

God, I crumble at how arrogant I am not to humble myself to your plan

I am broken with relief that you didn’t come as a thief

but you entered this broken vessel and made it new

from the inside out, you used, every broken sliver of lies to revel the truth

that I need you, if it wasn’t for you,

I wouldn’t have been able to bare the loss of my child

If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be able to hold two beautiful gifts,

Just a token of who you are.

Lord you wiped away the mare from my eyes, you lifted the veil

where I only saw me, the lust my heart conceived

born into hatred toward the most precious offering of your love.

this life consoles me to worship you. I misplace my thoughts to flee.

Lord you showed me the place you prepared for me.

my heart is now filled with glee, as I yield to the only one

that could give me tongues, to speak, not understood

but you would, hear every word.

Lord you heard, every tear that dropped from my eyes,

my cries that you would make perfect, all that I’d ripped apart

Give me a new start, Lord I need you.

You cast down every fear, of being used by you.

Every step to exclude, my flesh, I deny

every thought that enters my mind, to cloud the revelation

of who you are. thine kingdom come, thine will be done,

No more excuses, no more waiting, I tackle the misconception

that it’s not by choice, I give myself away.

I choose you God, because you chose me first.

© 2018 Leslie Robertson