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Facebook Nonsense


Hopeless Addiction

My wife, she is an addict

An addiction that’s new

She’s addicted to the facebook

And I don’t know what to do

She has to check it hourly

And reads all the current guff

About all the rubbish thats for sale

And says she’d love more ‘stuff’

She reads about life’s philosophy

From a friend in Timbuktu

Who’s seen it all and done it all

And who is nearly twenty-two

She sighs at all the kittens

And aahs at some little dog

But won’t go out and walks ours

Whilst she’s in her Facebook fog

She reads of the latest gizmos

That will save you some time

But costs you bags of money

when they're worth about a dime

She watches all the little clips

Of idiots who think they’re funny

Who cannot sing and cannot dance

But who are on there for the money

And then there are the quizzes

Who say they’re for the clever

But everyone one gets them all right

Then posts on it forever

Now I planned a week away with her

To a wilderness of flowers

How long could she go without facebook

The answer is --five hours

She reads the posts from all our friends

Who post everything they do.

Why I even read the over day

That Steve had had a poo

Now I took my wife to the doctor

To see what she could do

I couldn’t believe it when we went in

She was on the Facebook too

She wants to be my friend

You cannot appreciate the trouble that I'm in

I had a dodgy friends request from a girl called Suzie lynn

She looked absolutely stunning with lots of smiley friends

She lives near a beach in America

And kisses to me she sends

Now I am not a Casanova and of course I’m totally flattered

But my wife has seen this message and I am sure I will get

For as much as I tell her ‘this is just a spammer’

I am getting really scared now, she’s gone to get a

Ahh he's got a kitten

There was a man from Maine

Whose postings were terribly tame

But all the ladies were smitten

When he got a kitten

At last, at last he found fame.


Auntie Beth is ninety-two, but still she is quite sprite

For Auntie’s discovered facebook and is on it every night

But Auntie’s fun has a darker side, and dark it is you’ll agree

For Auntie’s become a troll and and a nasty one you see

But she doesn’t troll the famous, the powerful and the rich

it's to those she doesn't agree with, that’s she really is a bitch

If someone posts a status that is not too Auntie’s views

Her retort is normally vicious and then she turns the screws

She’s had many a poster disappear, never to facebook again

Too scared to cross Auntie, the evil, trolling Gran.

The Power of advertising

Facebook ads are quite eclectic

Apart from all those things electric

Today I had a chance to see

Ads galore that ‘should’ interest me

A new set of teeth for a smile too white

And taut young skin that seems so bright

A funeral plan to ease my worries

And powder to make fantastic curries

There’s plenty of second hand things

And dodgy planes without any wings

There’s adverts for dating sites

For older folk and for men in tights!

There are plenty of treatments all ’holistic’

And even one for an Indian mystic

And if you dare to look at something new

Their ad will appear on facebook too

The Sorry tale of Fred

My friend Fred posts a lot

A load of rubbish.

But he posts such rot

He’ll tell you what he’s had to eat

And ‘bout the corns on his feet

He tells you when his tax is due

And the other day that a cow went Moo

He will post pictures of his garden shed

His tea and when he’s still in bed.

His life if there for all to see

but it comes as no surprise to me

Fred is single

An imaginary scene,

Mark Zuckerberg is sat in the office of his bank manager, he is a
young adult, fresh faced with the appearance of a dishevelled student. The bank
manager is sat opposite him, a corporate Johnny, in his forties, and dressed
immaculately in a dark suit and tie.

The bank manager picks up and puts on his glasses and scans the
small wad of paper.

-So Mark, may I call you Mark? You want a loan based on this
business plan.

Mark nodded enthusiastically.

-I have read your paperwork and i would now like to hear about
your proposed business idea directly from you.

-Well it’s like this the business will be called facebook, its
internet based

The bank manager smiled to himself, he liked internet start ups,
and was keen to get involved.

-So what does it do?

-Its main activity will allow people to share photos of lovely
little kittens and cute little puppy dogs. Oh and there will be lots of videos
of stupid people falling off of logs

-So where do you get the pictures of the lovely kittens and cute
little puppies

-Thats the beauty of it, they upload them themselves.

-Is there anything else

-Well people will be able to share photos of their dinner and
gossip about people

-Hmmmmm what else does it do

-Well actually it’s a fully integrated messaging system involving
a user friendly interface with targeted marketing and advertising capability
with complete video system, but no-ones interested in that, would you like to
see a picture of my kitten, look she’s wearing a bow on her head……...

© 2017 Dave Proctor

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