Empathy: Blessing or Curse
I deserved better
So many nights I hid from you
Hide and seek was our game
But you always won!
I put my life in your hands
Because I understood why you did it
I deserved better
With your fists clenched and knuckles white
You knew I'd be too scared
And too weak and too trapped
Or maybe just too powerless
I screamed and tried to fight back
I put my fists down and felt so weak
Because I understood why you did it
I deserved better
When you promised to take me away
To save me from my past.
Promising the world and a sense of self-worth,
You grew angry and distant.
I began to tolerate the wait
Because I understood why you did it.
I deserved better
Every night I hoped for the relief of dying
As I barely fought back
When you wrapped your hands around
My jaw, my back, my wrists, my arms
Because I understood why you did it.
I deserved better
Every single time I was told,
“I’m not enough,” until it became a constant thought
I stopped protesting and accepted it
Since you knew me better than anyone
And continued to love me all the same.
I stopped arguing every time your actions or words
Proved you honestly believed I never could be
Because I understood why you did it.
I deserved better
When I stared in the mirror asking myself,
What is wrong with me?
Why do I keep fucking up?
Why am I never good enough
For you, for my family, for society
For myself?
So I tried to change and be better
I tried to shape myself into acceptance
Instead of valuing and embracing self-love
Because I understood why you did it.
I deserved better
When I allowed every degrading word
Take over my mind and tear into my soul
Everytime you lifted me from the ground
Just to throw me back down
And force me on my knees to beg for forgiveness.
I lost myself as every part of me lay broken at your feet
All because I understood why you did it.
I knew I deserved a better life
So I found the strength to leave
But the scars never faded
They never healed
I fell back into the same patterns
And allowed even worse into my heart
All because I understood why he did it too.
© 2021 Grace Peterson
