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Drained of Love

''Doesn't that sting...''

Yearning is a terrible thing.
The feeling of saudade gnaws at a person's mind,
engulfing their senses,
making them wish for the days that have passed.

Such a poison could very well kill a man.

Yet, it isn't enough to yearn for someone like me.
My fantasies, my imagination, my visualizations...
they all orbit the thought of one woman.
As pathetic as it sounds; it cripples me.
I can't interact with the female population without feeling guilty.
I made a promise...

It's been close to two years.
I've been holding on to a moving rope,
and my hands are burning.
The pain is immense. I just can't see myself letting go of it,
even though in the back of my mind I realize it's hopeless.

I just miss her. I miss hearing her voice.
I miss the conversations.
I miss the way her eyes would squint when she'd smile.
I miss her love. Her compassion.
She understood me when nobody could.

What hurts me the most is the fact that I'm probably forgotten in your mind.
My greatest fear is being forgotten.

I try to hide it with malice.
It doesn't work too well. People see through it.
They don't vocalize it to me,
but it's easy to tell that they pity my perceived loss.

Doesn't that sting... I fucking hate pity.

I wove my being with hers and I'm supposed to simply forget and move on?
Her identity meshed with mine. We created what I am now.
I don't know how to explain it without seeming desperate,
I just really have a hard time accepting this as reality.
That's why I go back in time via memory and live there for a bit.

I suppose that's why I'm anxious.
I've debated killing myself, too.
I don't think it matters much to anyone,
but the feeling is there and it percolates within me.
Not because of her, or the absence of her,
it's because I'm tired.

I'm drained.

I just wish I had a reason to do something.

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