I open my eyes.
I hear raised voices in the background.
And then it hit me.
Here I am, in this world, as the consequence of an action two other people took.
I didn’t ask to exist since you have to exist first before you can ask for anything.
I didn’t choose my body, my mind, my instincts, this world, or what it contains.
And yet I am made responsible.
Made to feel guilty as if it’s my fault I don’t do what they want.
As if it’s my fault I don’t meet the endless standards of everyone around me.
Don’t play the victim they say.
What are you... weak? Suck it up.
And if I’m lucky the bias of blood relation might come in to where someone would put up with me.
But those are the conditions of “love”.
Molding me, attempting to use me for their purpose, their desires.
Maneuvered through reward and punishment.
Pain and pleasure.
Or bare a negative label invented by them for not being convenient, for being a burden to put up with.
They are so selfish, so manipulative.
I just negatively labeled others because they are not what I want.
I am selfish, I am manipulative, just like them.
Seeking to control and posses.
Seeking my ego to feel validated through others’ praise on my behalf.
I turn my head and so called “friends” say the worst behind each others’ backs.
They don’t meet each others’ secret desires and they go tell somebody else, just like I do.
Validating ourselves through thinking we are “better”.
Who can I trust here?
Mocking my every way.
Taking me for gullible and trying to take me astray.
If I follow you to obtain heaven or flee from hell I don’t love you but me.
My eternal self-preservation.
Do I bow down out of fear of you having the most ultimate power and pain falling upon me?
Would I worship you if you had no power and could benefit me in no way?
Then why don’t I go after everybody?
Why does it annoy me every time I am told what to do?
Feeling used, and conditionally wanted.
What is crazy is that I am a human and the same conditions others place on me, I place on others.
A person who had no boundaries and was 100% selfless wouldn’t be alive.
A woman can’t love many or she is degraded by social stigmas where a person is only supposed to love one.
It makes me wonder if the concept of beauty and attraction aren’t merely the images we were brainwashed with, as children, as the definition of such concepts.
It seems a person wants to appear worthy by having what society considers “beautiful” by their side, yet they can’t live together with that person because of too many mutually contradicting desires.
What is real, and not a lie used for monetary gain and control?
What do I do now?
Now that I feel in a plastic world, with plastic money, plastic houses, and plastic affections?
Should I just keep all of this inside, so no one feels the pain I feel?
Or does the pain come from everyone hiding behind facades and not revealing the feelings and questions that plague us all?
What if at someone realizing all of this words and labels don’t hurt anymore?
What if false expectations don’t set in, therefore creating less emotional pain from others?
What if now we can laugh or cry without a care in the world because now we don’t live to impress?
What if we are all real and take our masks off?
Maybe without the masks we would treat each other better than with them on.
Maybe, just maybe.
© 2018 Andrea Estefania