Coping With Loss is a Difficult Thing to Do.
All I needed was your belief,
that we'd be able to dive into uncertainty and emerge unscathed.
All I wanted was you,
I never viewed you as a person,
I perceived you as a paragon of everything I thought I wanted.
The problem wasn't the adoration,
My love was infinite. Limitless.
The problem was my execution. I hurt you.
I was cold and unkind. I valued my work more than I did your attention.
If I could rewind time and start over, I would.
I'm deeply sorry.
You don't know how far this sorrow takes me.
Day in and day out thinking about how my greatest moments feeling alive was when you were here laughing with me.
When I'd say a joke or go on a long winded rant and you'd squint your eyes chuckling at the mundane bullshit I'd express.
You never judged me for what I was. You embraced me.
All I did was push that aside when I'd get upset.
It's too easy to feed the wolves when they're hungry.
My unkindness and distaste for human connection developed when I lost you.
It's too easy to shove my entire being into this carapace.
Hiding from anything I perceive to be affection. Kindness. Empathy.
I still yearn for you, Ravyn. I really do.
I forget how your voice sounds like. I replayed that tape so many times it wore out.
The ''forever'' and ''I love you'' parts distorted beyond recognition.
Jesus Christ I wish I could play those one last time. Just to hear you say it in my mind.
Maybe in some twisted, sadistic sort of way It'd bring me closure.
Closer to forgetting just how powerful your influence was.
The only thing I have left is that influence now.
And as hard as it is,
As painful as it is,
I hold on to this moving rope being pulled away from me.
The friction burns my hands until I bleed but I still can't seem to let go.
I cling on to it, as if my life depends on it.
The thought of you ceasing to exist frightens me.
At least in my memory I can go back and see you.
I'm too afraid to forget who you are.
I don't want to.
You mean too much to me for me to discard you.
you are everything.
You're my sun and moon,
my guiding light, my north star.
By now you've forgotten who I am.
You forgot my name.
You forgot my presence.
And I'm probably writing this to your ghost.
But somehow, someway,
I want the world to know how wrong I was.
You deserved infinitely better than what I gave you.
I was a horrible partner.
My heavy hands couldn't hold something so fragile.
I broke you down and criticized you for the cracks.
This did teach me one thing, though.
I know what not to do now.
I can be a better partner. A better companion.
I can love more freely.
I can give the next person something I couldn't give you.
Once I'm ready to let you go, I will.
i'm just not ready yet and I'm sorry.