Kari spends much of her time thinking about the meaning of life and time. She has concluded love is the meaning and time doesn't exist.
Cold and Alone
A Poetry Challenge
I was reading some of Genna East's work and came across a poetry challenge she had published 10 months ago. In this article she had two videos. One was called "The Grey" and the other, "The Shadow".
Both of these videos were about humans, lost in a wilderness, and wolves. They are poignant video shorts. The endings are different, but the need to survive is shown in both. I do not want to say too much about these videos. I want you to have a fresh look if you, also, accept this challenge.
Here is my poem:
I’m cold and forgotten,
So tired...and worn.
I cannot stir.
The fire is out,
The matches are gone.
I just want to rest
In this dark freeze,
And dream of your warmth
Cold, So Cold
Depression and Grey Days
We all get depressed sometimes. That day we just do not want to get out of bed, thinking, "why?". But, what about those people to whom this feeling is just an everyday occurrence. Everyday, cold and alone, trying to stand firm and find hope.
Depression actually makes your days gray. A study done by Dr Ludger Tebartz van Elst at the University of Freiburg shows that there is an organic reason. The retina of depressed people have a significant decrease in the ability to notice contrast, as opposed to people without depression. The world really is "gray" for people with depression.
Emotions are Frozen
Many depressed people have emotions that are frozen. These emotions become frozen in childhood because we were taught they were not acceptable. Maybe you were told, "If you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about!" Now you find it is almost impossible to cry. Even when you want to cry, you can not.
Maybe you think you must always be strong and never show weakness. Have you ever heard the saying, "God helps those who help themselves"? Have you ever heard your parents complain about people less fortunate, calling them lazy? These seem like simple things, but continued exposure to these attitudes as a child can lead to repressed emotion.
I struggle with depression every day. I am also one of those people who can not cry. Part of my depression comes from how my body hurts every day. I am not as strong as I once was and this upsets me greatly. I struggle with my physical weaknesses and it causes fear. I was always very strong physically, even for a woman. Now I am not.
I worked as an operating room nurse. I moved around the country often. I love going new places. As an operating room nurse, I could work anywhere. I would often become a travel nurse until I found a place I liked. Now that is gone. I have lost my independence.
I have also lost much respect. As a nurse, people respect you. Now that I am not a nurse, I do not get that automatic respect. Plus you cannot see my injuries. I worry now that people will group me in that "lazy" category. This and the loss of my independence hurt the worst.
At times I do not want to get out of bed. This is especially true when I am having a good dream. Why come back to reality if I can be so happy in my dreams. Why wake up to the hurt. Other days I have to get out of bed when my pain wakes me up. I much prefer waking up to my dreams.
"In life, No matter what you are going through, have faith, and believe your sorrows won't last forever because what time does not heal God will."
— Rashida Rowe
I think many depressed people have lost, or are losing, hope. Hope is the thing that makes the world seem brighter. It is the emotion that tells you everything will get better. Hope is the antithesis of depression. Life without hope is dim and dark.
I know, I almost lost all hope this past year. But, I am slowly fighting to regain it. No one ever said life would be easy. To regain hope, it helps to notice the small, insignificant wonders in the world. A flower (even if it is a dandelion), a sunrise or sunset, the laughter of small children, these are small pleasures to be thankful for. I think the more we are thankful, the more hope lives in our heart.
Depression is a deep dark pit. It is hard work to climb out. Even to climb out far enough to see a light. And once you can see a light, a dim, pinprick of light, the climb does not get much easier. Some days it is all you can do to hang on and not fall deeper into the pit.
Hope is that dim light. After much fighting with myself, I finally found it again. This doesn't mean that I have hope everyday, it just means that on the days without hope, I can remember what it is. This is a giant step in getting out of the pit.
I am a fighter and survivor, if nothing else. I plan to find my way out. I will win. I get impatient at times, and feel like it is a useless fight. But, I know in my heart that I must, or I will be gone. I will not lose the fearless person I once was.
© 2017 Kari Poulsen