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Borderline’s Worst Fear Manifested: Fear of Abandonment

Bachelors Degree in Organizational Behavioral Psychology with a background in Autism, Mental Health, Business Psychology

Abandoned Helped To Create BPD Me

No One Is Forever...Everyone Leaves

No One Is Forever...Everyone Leaves

Abandonment From A Borderline

My surrounding’s never matter when my cognition begins a fight with my Borderline.

Disassociation just unfolds and overtakes me,
rational cognitive efforts engage to undermine.



Floating...like on clouds...eruptions fade as numbness engulfs, no longer feel pain.

His face blurs...fades into all the rest...now he permanently also on my soul did stain.



I no longer can feel each teardrop that slowely trailed down my cheeks

Desperation...evolving...hysteria...of that deep desire of eternal love she seeks.



Lies...disloyalty...words sharp as knives...bruises, fear, confusion that leads to officers in blue.

Statements, blame, manipulation he brings... humiliations he keeps swirling, confusing me..wtf is true?

He Abuses Me...Blames My BPD

The Truth About Abusers and What To Do

The Truth About Abusers and What To Do

“Til It Happens To You”: Lady Gaga

“Your Mental Illness Is To Blame”

No word can accurately portray the tumultuous thoughts that reside inside my head.

Not one phrase is capable of depicting my Borderline emotions flooding me as I lay in bed.


Visions are swirling through each partition in my mind

Blending every memory of him I hid deep away...need to bind.


Vivid Imagery...sounds crescendo...words and emotions arguing...every emotion I ever had.

Waves of all are crashing And colliding...I‘m drowning...it is driving me mad.


Rational thoughts remember the therapy that trained them to forcefully invade.

Turning on my cognitive functions, manual flip my switch...are all standing ready, impatient, ready to persuade.


You are one of the lucky members of the exclusive BPD clan

DBT ingrained ... embedded... cognition stands at attention, not a BPD fan.


Many aren’t as lucky...work harder than I do through life

Only when abandonment I gave; love I lost... insanity becomes my reality of constant strife.


Through as many as 7-10 times... I felt I was always the one to blame

He had me convinced me of this; but that he would never leave... and one day I’d be tame.


borderlines-worst-fear-manifests-i-love-youi-hate-youim-leaving-youdont-leave-me
The Lightbulb Movement

The Lightbulb Movement

“Blood” By: In This Moment

Lightbulb Moment

“It’s not me! It’s You!”

One day it happened yet again; I couldn’t breathe when I met his gaze... glaring in to his blank, dead eyes.

A switch seemed to switch on in my exhausted brain... realization regarding abuse and all of the nonstop lies.

That moment is still so vivid... And I finally truly fought back, quiet no longer was I afraid to be.

Louder I became as my peril I now chose to share, not caring who...or what... may see.

Realization led to this feeling that I finally gained this power, brave an evil one-on-one.

Clearly pictured in my mind, as I was clinging to a pole, violently shaking me...done...


As I hear him clearly scream to him “Leave ME ALONE!...DONT TOUCH ME...

I can still see it in slow motion, he LAUGHED as he violently shoved my head Into his knee.


I can still feel his foot end up on my throat...a few seconds I couldn’t breathe

This eerily calm demeanor of my husband terrified me to the core... Im going to end up dead in an episode of ‘Investigation Discovery.


I can hear myself still; sobbing...begging him to stop...screaming ”I don’t understand!”

Desperate and scared I scream “Rape”...no one around, no idea what to do...but his laughter calmly did determine.


The world seemed to halt, that laughter so loud... “HaHa Little Bitch Ass Cunt...you supposed to yell FIRE!”


Totally in that one moment understanding why there’s so many cases to support an ID Network, because I was convinced I was next episode desires.


How in Gods name our vehicle suddenly appeared...only God might know...the back door open...me full of terror.

This fear I never expected to feel...I got images of that night Im dying...missing...or listed as a statistical error.


I fought with all my might...stay on that pole... wasn’t provoked or prodded...but I started to feel this power

He will never stop hurting me, my pain he cares none for...I’m regarded as nothing but equal to a dead flower.


borderlines-worst-fear-manifests-i-love-youi-hate-youim-leaving-youdont-leave-me

My tears no longer give him that super human power of control over every aspect of me.

No longer a puppet on his many strings leading his desperation to make a mistake (or three.)

Desperate to make him realize the torment I am put through if for once I talked

Police finally did see “me”... not my mental crazy... for once punishment, i am not letting him get walked.

Never did I desire wrong doings and definitely had no ill intent

Accountability for himself the only goal with nothing he could circumvent.

My father once did tell me some really great advice

Tough love and shame...fear of God...only punishment that might suffice.




© 2021 Abigayle Malchow-Rourk

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