Adrift: A Poem for The Lost
Awash, adrift, a raft
Of my own making.
Each wave against the battered bow
Leaves my tired body aching.
No chart, no map, no guide
To show the way.
I lost my bearings, long ago -
Aimlessly drifting with each passing day.
A day, a week, a month -
There is no way to tell.
How long since I have seen the shore?
How long have I been in hell?
No space, no time, nothing -
But only sea.
How long until I lose the fight,
And these waves crash down on me?
Awash, adrift, my raft -
Now sinking in.
Just close my eyes, and wait for peace,
And pray I see the shore again.
-Daniel Kinnunen, 2018
Adrift: Alone with Myself
Often, I look back on my choices in life and wonder why I just can't seem to consistently do the "right thing." I have made many mistakes in this life, and I have found that I have no one else to blame for my inability to find a career, a family, a significant other, or many of the other things that people seem to take for granted in their daily lives. I find myself wondering how my life would have changed had I made slightly different choices. I don't know if anything would be different, really. In a way, I feel as though I am meant to be a lonely wanderer, drifting along in this life without any direction. I must be one of those "marches to the beat of a different drum" types, that no one ever truly understands.
I have heard it said before that we are all living exactly the lives we are meant to live. If this is true, why do I feel so out of place? Why do I feel as though I am awash in a sea of uncertainty? My choices have lead me to where I now sit, alone, at the mercy of the sea of life. I am being pushed and pulled in so many directions at times, that I feel like I have lost control over my heading. I have lost my bearings, and now find myself horribly lost, with no one there to guide my way back to shore. If this is the life I am meant to live, so be it, but I feel as though there is a place for me to land this vessel, somewhere out there. The only question is "where?"
Struggling Against the Tide
I have many hobbies and interests. I am talented in several areas. My focus has been so fractured, however, that I have never truly found my niche. I have had several amazing, fulfilling experiences in the search for my path in life. I have loved and lost. I have experienced life and death. I have turned dreams into realities. Yet, I have made many mistakes that have lead me to my current situation. Dropping out of high school was one of those mistakes, but the traditional path to a diploma wasn't for me. I even earned that diploma, on-time, just not through the path most of us have been pushed upon. I had to find another way, even if that meant drifting for a while before finding what was right for me.
College was the same story. I went to college immediately after earning my diploma, as I had been told was the "right way." Once again, it wasn't for me. I left after a single semester, telling myself that I'd be better off looking for work in the real world. I knew I'd try again, one day, but I had some learning to do: learning about myself. I was drifting, trying to find my way. I earned my Associates of Arts degree at the age of 26, by attending classes online. It wasn't the traditional means, but I did what I could not do by taking the easiest path. The struggle was worth it. When I started taking classes online, I knew that what I was doing was the right thing for myself. That is the most important thing to me: finding what is right for myself.
I find myself drifting, once again, fighting to stay afloat while searching for the path that leads to my ultimate goal. It is not easy, nor do I want it to be. I want it to be a fight. I want to struggle. That way, when I find my destiny I will appreciate it more so than I would if it came easily. My only concern is that I will sink before I "find the shore." However, if sinking is my destiny, then sinking is what I shall do. It beats a life of never truly knowing my capabilities. It is when I am alone, struggling against the tide, that I have learned the most about myself.