I'm an aspiring writer, poet, and author from the Philippines. Aiming to be a successful poet and author someday! :)
Do I Always Have To Tell You Everything?
What is it that you want to know?
What is it that you can’t understand?
I’m hesitant to tell you all the things in my head,
Yet you chose to push me to my limits,
What if I end up hurting you instead?
Will you be happy ?
Do we really want to hear it all?
It scares me to tell you everything.
What I don’t know might even make me lose my mind.
The answers I’m searching for,
That only you can make sense out of it;
I’m afraid to know the truth and the rest.
Will it set me free? Or Will it just prolong my agony?
Each time I just keep resisting.
Trying to avoid everything.
Can we even face each other?
I can’t. Not now, not anytime soon.
I know you’ll be crying once again.
I can’t tell whether I’m crying in pain or
I’m crying because it’s my fault seeing you like that.
Is it my fault? Do I have to be sorry?
This is why I can’t always tell you everything.
It’s hurting me more that I can’t tell you the exact words I’m thinking.
It’s the exact reason that whatever I might say you’ll just end up crying.
What you want to know, is it really best to let you know?
If you knew, will you do something about it?
Or I might just end up regretting all?
You want me to tell you everything?
Do you really expect me to believe that?
You already make a fool out of me,
How many times do you want me to fall for your trap?
Tell me, who’s being unfair?
How many times I explained everything,
I have told you everything about what I’m going through.
Yet you chose to take advantage,
Like capturing a bird, imprisoned in a cage.
You wanna know everything not because you want to understand.
But because you want to be in control. You want to be in superior.
You came to me not because you want to make amends and console.
You want to be heard and get what makes you feel good.
Is that what you really want?
Is that what’s going to make you genuinely happy?
You answer, “No, no it’s not like that. You’re getting it wrong.”
I say , “then what?”
“You don’t understand what’s going on. Let us explain.”
I say, “then what?”
You’d respond and argue with just negating everything what I said.
Why? Still putting up with the act?
Is that what you call love?
Abuse someone when no one’s watching,
Act nice and caring when there’s someone around?
Protecting some kind of image?
Tell me what really matters to you?
I couldn’t make sense of what you really want.
Do I have to say everything?
Just to tell you how much I’m hurting?
If I told you everything I’ve been holding in,
Will you even listen?
Do you even have time?
Will you listen wholeheartedly?
Or you’ll listen for a split second and hurt me once again?
What’s your plead?
You want to fix everything between us?
Or maybe you are just covering up.
Finding an escape.
I’m getting sick and tired of this never ending cycle.
You’ll come to me asking for forgiveness, asking to give you my trust.
Not even a minute have passed right then and there,
There you are again arguing that it is you that’s supposed to be the victim.
Ahh, you want to be understood.
You want to be consoled.
You want the sympathy of others to be on you.
Cause you are in power.
You are good to them, and they benefit from you.
How can they ever turn against you?
It’s perfect image to be loved by many.
You can’t let someone ruin it.
Do you really want me to tell you everything?
Let’s do it in front of all those people that respects you and look up to you.
Will you cry again and shut me up like what you’ve been doing?
Guess you have no time for that do you?
Who’ll ever believe someone like me?
I’m not mentally stable.
You know that so well, you can easily say:
“Sorry, she’s just out of her mind, sorry to bother you. ”
“Don’t mind her, she doesn’t know what she’s saying.”
“Let her be, it will soon pass.”
“Don’t believe in anything she’s talking about.”
You just don’t want others to know the other side you have shown.
It’s alright make me a fool to others, to your friends.
But you can’t fool HIM. He knows everything you’ve done.
I have nothing to hide.
I’m not the one who’s lying.
But for your sake, sure. I’d keep my silence.
If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
The more I’m struggling, the more I see you are enjoying.
Is it a relief? Oh finally, she’s going to talk to us.
Are you smiling?
Are you thinking that I’d really give in that easy?
What a pain in the ass.
You want to be in control just because the person needs you.
Does it give you that satisfaction?
Are you really okay with that?
It’s really funny when you love and care so much of someone,
Even when you’re mad, sad, dismayed, angry, disappointed,
You’ll still go out of your way just for the sake of that someone.
Still for that person’s own good and betterment.
It’s a sacrifice and risk that you’ll take.
It’s toxic and tough.
But because you love and care that someone,
What will happen and what that person will feel,
Is always what you think and prioritize about.
That’s how love is.
You should know better.
But it really doesn’t matter anymore.
That’s how you are.
You know what’s right and wrong.
That’s just how life is.
If you still don’t understand,
You really wouldn’t if you chose to resist.
The fight of my inner battles continues every single day.
If you are doing well, good for you.
If you aren’t, well, you don’t have to drag me with your battles as well.
That is of course, if you aren’t that selfish and you still have mercy within.
No more holding back.
No more being forced to shut it all up.
I will fight back, for the sake of my sanity.
No more to self-pity #2022.
I chose to love myself more.
© 2021 Gianella Labrador