A New Nightmare on College Drive: The Reboot No One Wants

Woke up in a freezing cold sweat after a scary dream

Felt so real that it was almost happening in real time

From an alternate dimension that Rod Serling was reporting from

And laughing about it relentlessly with a killer soundtrack

Chalk full of celebrity guest stars to implement this grim episode

No script was necessary to make this narrative come to life

An active imagination got the ball flying over Fenway Park's green monster

A story that's too eerie to even fathom the scenario

No blood was spilled and no crime was committed

Just a turn of events that was unrealistic and terrifying all at once

Something that Freddy Krueger never intended to deal with

A subject that Jason Voorhees had no understanding of

They only understood the endless need for revenge

And long drawn out chases with expendable movie characters

Cinematic roadkill meant to be disposed of by the first half of the story

True scares came from actual events; no matter how far-fetched they seem

Unsolved Mysteries worked based on that concept; and the host's unnerving voice

Robert Stack could say hello and make your nerves stand at full attention

Dealt with a recent break-up that put the brakes on any fantasies of domesticity

Had a vision that an unexpected bundle of joy came into play

Had a secret desire for it when the now ex-boyfriend confessed to no more kids

Well, he couldn't have them anymore either, which sealed the deal completely

That made the dream all the more disturbing to think about

Don't want to have anything to be connected to that human albatross

Fully aware that it was an impossible scenario rationally speaking

Hard to shake though with recent events and the conclusion of any future desires

Probably where the lurid fantasy stemmed from

Ready to wash my hands of the whole sordid subject

Not in the mindset to date anyone new or even think about what tomorrow will bring

Itching for Halloween to be over; eager to shake off the bad vibes this has brought

Would rather focus on rainbows and unicorns instead for no particular reason

Something bright, shiny and not even remotely terrifying

Just what the arm chair doctor prescribed.