The Reagan Trump Interview
Ronnie: “Donnie, Baby. You don’t just go to Saudi Arabia and go on television and sign a billion dollars arms contract. Sit back, let me tell you how to go about this. When I was the Republican pirate-in-chief, my guys wanted to support a little group called the Contras. The Contras were right-wing, just like us. So, what we did was we sold weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Now, here is the good part. We took the money from the arms deal and funneled it to the Contras. Now, some say there were payments made with cocaine. But nobody ever proved it. Our friend Bush pardoned most everyone involved.”
Donnie: “What do you know? You were just a movie actor."
Ronnie: “A movie actor is at least one step up from a reality TV host. At least that’s what Nancy always told me. But that is not the point. You are starting out small. If you are going to break my record of people who worked for me being sentenced to long prison terms, you are going to have to step up your game. And man, lose some weight. Even Theodore Roosevelt stayed trimmer than you. Taft still holds the record.”
Donnie: “You are such a respected symbol of the party. One wonders how that is with all the scandals in your administration.”
Ronnie: “My Secretary of Defense had to be pardoned. Five other Administration officials had to be pardoned. My National Security Advisor plead guilty to four misdemeanors. My Chief of the Central Intelligence Agency's Central American Task Force plead guilty. It’s a game, how many careers can you destroy? My Central Intelligence Agency's Division of Covert Operations was convicted of lying to Congress. None of this, ‘I don’t recall’ nonsense, your boys are pulling. I even brought down a few party members, just with this one scandal. I am telling you Donnie, you're new to this, but you are way behind.”
Donnie: “Wasn’t there cocaine involved? Seems I remember you were President during the Cocaine Eighties.”
Ronnie: “I have not even mentioned the HUD scandal. I don’t know why you selected who you did to look over housing. There is so much money to be made by sending contracts to your contributors. My Secretary of the Interior was indicted on 24 felony counts, of course we are Republicans so we don’t go to jail.”
Donnie: “I have already issued pardons. Most of my staff carries signed pardons in their breast pockets. It is the only way I could keep them working for me.”
Ronnie: “Congratulations on all the deregulation that you have achieved. I deregulated one little thing and seven hundred and forty-seven Savings and Loans went under. We went on the hook for $160 billion dollars in taxpayer dollars. That is when we really learned our lesson. American’s don’t pay attention to how the government robs them. Well, you know that. They are now paying all your expenses. You might just bring malfeasance and larceny to a new high. I think I will maintain the record. By the end of my term, 138 administration officials had been convicted, or indicted or under investigation.”
Donnie: “I have only been in office a few months. Give me a little time. I am the greatest. I will beat your record easily. I may even bring down some Senators and Congressional Members. This goes deeper than just me and my family. Oh, that is off the record. We have banking ties strung out all over the globe. I am willing to be unpopular.”
Ronnie: “Talk about unpopular. I once did a movie with a monkey.”
Donnie: “I can top that. I stood for a picture with Paul Ryan.”
Ronnie: “I just have to mention something about this whole ‘Wall’ thing. To me, you are on the wrong side of this symbolism. Those dirty commie rats built a wall around Berlin. That wall stood from 1961 to 1989. One of the good things I am remembered for is saying, “Mr.Gorbachev, tear down that wall.”
Donnie: “I am going to build the wall. It will be a beautiful wall. A fortune will be made with the fifty billion dollar contract.”
Ronnie: “Any wall you build will be torn down. Your legacy will be dismantled. You are early in your Presidency, but you are going to be remembered poorly.”
Donnie: “The USSR fell. Russia was family run for centuries. Now, the iron fist is in place and the people have only the right to work for the leader. That is what we need here.”
Donnie paused, picked up his phone and tweeted, ‘You have the right to work until you die.’ Then turned his attention back to Ronald Reagan.
Ronnie: “In the late Forties, I fought to keep the Reds out of Hollywood. We fought them in the Fifties, we fought them in the Sixties and Seventies.” He scratched his head. “So what gives?”
Donnie: “American banks would not loan me money for my activities. So, my family met with Russian money and they fixed that problem. They did favors, we did favors. It is just about the money. Well, with me it is just about the money.”
Ronnie: “Listen. You have to learn to play to the cameras. You are always frowning and scowling and smirking. Get a game face. This is entertainment after all. All the back room dealings should be kept in the back room. Don’t bring Russians into the Oval office for photo shoots. You need a writer or a batch of writers. You need to memorize your lines. You need to gracefully improvise. Stop pointing your finger at people and saying it's their fault. Get good at acting your job. You are the head salesman now. Get out there and sell. Put some glamour in it.”
Donnie: “I have let cameras into my luxury accommodations in Florida. People can see that if they work hard, they too can live in a golden façade of opulence, just like my family.”
Ronnie: “You don’t want to be remembered as the ‘Exploitation President’, or the ‘Illegitimate President’ or the ‘Eviscerated President.’”
The hooded dungeon-master interrupted, “Time is up Ronald. Time to go back to the ninth level of purgatory to serve out your first one hundred and fifty years chained to a dungeon wall.”
Donnie and Ronnie stood and embraced.
Ronnie waving over his shoulder calls: “See you soon.”
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