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The Mt. Rushmore Trump Interview


Narrator: “Thank you Mr. Gutzon Borglum for assembling our panel today. It is our pleasure to feature these men of honor and your granite symbol of what America stands for in this mixed up world. President Washington would you like to start?”

Washington: “Thank you. We are a nation of proud people and our beginning proves that we stand for all that is best in the world. We are a pillar of the rest of the world to envy. Our military has fought long and hard to make this land of ours safe. They and the generations that followed have a right to live under the safety and protection that the United States flag offers to its citizens. We don’t want anything done that will tarnish that.”

Trump: “That’s rich coming from you. You are most famous for not telling lies. But the very myth of the Cherry tree is a lie. Your fame rest on you as General in the revolution. My Generals are much better than you can imagine. And my revolution will be much better than yours. I will remake this nation into an image of my creation. Greed, Avarice & Gluttony or G.A.G., will be the new law of the land.”

Washington: “That appraisal is a bit harsh. England was the most powerful nation on earth when we declared our independence. You will never really control the power that was wielded by the British Empire.”

Trump glances at Abe: “I am the most presidential president presently present, in this country's history of presidents and even before that. No one comes close to how presidential I am. I think we all agree on that, bigly.”

Narrator: “Mr. Lincoln, would you like to respond to that?”

Before Mr. Lincoln could react, Jefferson piped up: “I certainly would. We brought together representatives from the thirteen colonies. Men with diverse interest and backgrounds. Together we decided we were stronger together. We brought men in rags together and fought off the best trained army in the world. I think you are underestimating the strength of the people you are supposed to be representing.”

Trump: “I am the best person to decide that.”

Lincoln: “You behave like a peacock. You prance and boast. You blame and complain. None of us were ever under investigation. Arguably, my administration oversaw the greatest challenges of the nation. I say arguably because The Revolution, I am sure was no picnic. What is it again you have done? So far the only thing of note is to raise the rent on the Secret Service. You made them rent a trailer that sat out on the sidewalk, like they were night watchmen on a construction site. Many claim you are not worth protecting.”

Trump began to respond, but Theodore Roosevelt asked to speak.

Roosevelt: “You have not talked about me. No comparisons like yourself and Lincoln have been made about you and me. But we have a lot in common. We both like the bluster. We are both overweight. You charge off in all directions, while I gained some notoriety from charging San Juan Hill. You should have joined the military when you had a chance. You don’t have a war to call your own. Ordering someone else to push a couple of buttons, while you are wearing an ill fitting suit, is not the same thing. You have to be in the field. George experienced that, so did I. It is that getting dirty that teaches you the value of a battle and the measure of men.”

Trump: “I have preliminary studies underway to have my face carved on Mt. Rushmore. What do you think of that?”

Jefferson jumped in: “An ice sculpture? No one is going to remember you. You are alive, and less popular than Millard Fillmore. There is even a slight resemblance. ”

Lincoln: “Besides our inside joke is that, ‘we are a bunch of stoners’ – do you get it stoners?”

Trump: “No, what’d ya mean?”

Lincoln: “From the Sixties. Marijuana, stoners; none of this rings a bell?”

Roosevelt: “He is more like the French. Used little enameled boxes with powder to stick up their noses. You know a fancy pants.”

Narrator: Gentlemen. Gentlemen, we are getting off track.

Jefferson started to speak.

Trump cuts him off: “You are just a bunch of blockheads. I will go find my own mountain to carve my face. Perhaps I will emboss my face every two miles along my great and glorious wall. A 1,600 mile memorial, that has never been done. Yes, I like that. I will bully Congress into funding a useless wall. We can take funding from medical facilities and environmental projects.”

Washington: “I understand you have decided on the location of your presidential library. I hear an iPhone will be mounted on a bus stop bench in Brooklyn, NY and anyone that stops by can read all your presidential tweets while waiting for the bus to Stanton. ”

Trump: “Oh, ha, ha. Besides, my memorial will be in Moscow.”

Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln became stone faced. They looked out to the Southeast, their stature accented by the afternoon sun. Their strong expressions emitting hope, strength, courage and fortitude. Their granite base, strong enough to shoulder any weight put upon them.

Narrator: “Mr. Gutzon Borglum once again, let us thank you.”

Trump rose to leave. To an aide he said: “Find out who is scheduling these interviews. We must stop these leaks.”

Everybody Must Get Stoned Bob Dylan

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