Skip to main content

The Gump Trump Interview

the-gump-trump-interview

This political satire brought to you by the sponsors of liberty.

Gump: “Mommy always said, well, let me get to that later.”

Trump: “Aren’t you some kind of cartoon character. Why do I know your name?”

Gump: “I have been asked to speak to you. First, what did you do during the Vietnam War?”

Trump: “I had the best medical deferments that money could buy. I mean, it was horrible, a bone spur in my foot prevented me from my rightful position as a true American war hero.”

Gump: “Many young Americans went to serve their country when called. Lt. Dan, even earned a pair of magic legs. He can’t even get a bone spur in his foot, cause he left his feet over there.”

Trump: “That is the price some men pay. I understand that you have met several Presidents.”

Gump: “Yes, yes, I did. Some good ones too. I met President Kennedy. They made me wait so long that by the time I was brought into the oval office, I had to pee. President Kennedy thought that was funny. Then President Johnson mentioned that I got shot in the butt, so I told him, yes, yes, I did, then I pulled down my trousers and showed him. Do you want to see my butt?”

the-gump-trump-interview

Trump: “No, no I don’t. Why are you here? Did you have some message for me?”

Gump sat back: “You never got a chance to meet Bubba. He was going to be a shrimp boat Captain, and I was going to go into business with him. He did not come home from Vietnam. He knew about shrimp. He knew about BBQ shrimp, boiled shrimp, baked shrimp, sautéed shrimp, shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole, gumbo shrimp, shrimp stew, lemon shrimp, pineapple shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp potatoes, shrimp salad and shrimp burgers. But he never mentioned a man shrimp. Bubba knew short men, but I don’t think he ever met a little man.”

Trump: Throat clearing. “Do you want to talk about policy?”

Gump: “OK, when my Jenny got sick. The doctors did everything they could. But she still had to go to heaven. I am a simple man, but if the doctors had more time and resources, for research and these professionals are willing to dedicate their lives and careers to saving lives, why would anyone try to stop them?”

Trump: “You don’t understand economics. There are millions of people in this country. What makes your or their problems, your neighbor’s problem? We are not our brother’s keeper.”

Gump: “When the country wanted to go and fight ‘for our democracy,’ young men and women, except you, came together to do that. Are the problems of the country, not a collective problem?”

Trump: “I serve this country by making money. Capital is the life blood of this country’s system. Little people, do little things. That is my credo.”

Gump: “When I was in Vietnam, one day it started to rain. It rained and rained. Some stinging rain, some fat rain, some seemed to go sideways and some came up from underneath. That rain was like trouble coming from all sides and people’s troubles get like that. It comes at them from all directions and sometimes they need help.”

Trump: “What does that have to do with it? People ought to go out and earn enough money for their doctors and lawyers. Us privileged professionals deserve to be paid. The people have equal access to professionals, if you can afford us. If you can’t afford it, too bad. The world worked better when there were serfdoms and kings. That’s what I think.”

Gump: “You are a patriot who won’t fight, a Christian without empathy, and a president who does not love his country's people. I am just a simple man, and I know it. But how is that going to work?”

Trump: “Work, I am glad you said the word work. What this country needs is more people who work. A third of the country is sitting home and watching television, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. There are other corporations to support besides entertainment, tobacco, and alcohol. We have a trade imbalance, we import more than we export. I aim to change that. Wages will be low, but if the little people want to eat, they will take whatever wage we offer.”

Gump: “When you were running around the country, asking people to vote for you, you spoke of America First. You never mentioned Americans last. When I was playing ping pong for the American ping pong team, I learned to hit the ball back over the table. You seemed to have learned that moving the table had its advantages. You would make a terrible ping pong player.”

“You know. We do have something in common. When I was a shrimp boat captain and a big storm hit the coast hard, my boat was spared. After that, we grew and grew. Pretty soon we bought hats that said, “Bubba –Gump” on them. I hear you have a hat also. I knew if I sat here long enough, that there would be something. Yes, sir, Bubba-Gump.”

Trump stood up. “Sorry, I just remembered another commitment. I really have to go. Thanks you for all of your valuable input. A member of my staff will see you out.”

Gump: “Don’t you want to know what my Momma always said?”

But the door closed behind him. The staff member escorted Forest Gump to the security gate.

Lt. Dan met him in an old pickup truck with special hand fitted gas and brake pedals on the steering wheel. When Gump was in and had his seat belt fastened, Lt. Dan said, “I told you that would be a waste of time.”

Forrest Gump (1994) - Shot In The Buttocks

Simon and Garfunkel - Mrs. Robinson (lyrics)

Related Articles