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The Adventures of Two Robbers and Their Victims on a Train

I have been writing poems and short stories for years, some of which I have published independantly. I also blog. Writing is a loved hobby.

The two bumbling robbers go a-robbing!

The two bumbling robbers go a-robbing!

A Writer's Note, An Introduction Into Mayhem

Writer’s Note 1: The writer apologizes in advance for assaulting your senses with her very special kind of humor. Possibly questionable language might be present. Please put down the pitchfork. I say, you have to just appreciate one’s wit given in good faith, ain’t it?!

Writer’s Note 2: Please refer to the very end to find out which victim represents which character, and if the two robbers ever did make their successful get-away.

One day, two bungling robbers decide to rob a train. One robber is an imbecile, while the other is a little less clever. But then, their victims are not God’s most intelligent creatures either.

And so, the stories goes.

"Give me your money!"

"Give me your money!"

Chapter 1

Robber 1 : FREEZE!! This is a hold-up!.....Eh! Sorry! Should be, “Freeze! This is the Police!”

Robber 2: NO! It should be, “Don’t move! This is a hold-up!” How ‘bout using another line?

Robber 1 : Oh, Okay! Yo, dude! What’s happening? This is a pick-up!

Robber 2 : Not “pick-up”, you fool! “Stick-up!” It’s a STICK-UP!!

Robber 1: Sorry! Yo, I said this is a stick-up!

Victim 1: Oh my! It’s Jesse James, The Sundance Kid and The Highway Men! This is a stick-up!

Victim 2: Eh….What’s that? Who is stuck to what?

Victim 3: Nobody’s stuck, silly! And they’re not Jesse-what’s-his-name. They’re just a couple of idiotic thieves

Robber 1: Hey! Who’re you calling thieves? We ain’t no thieves!

Victim 2: Eh? Who dat?

Victim 3: But you’re idiotic, right?

Robber 2: Ya’ll know what we are? We’re what gonna make you sweat blood and tears if we don’t see some cash flapping around pretty soon!! Yo, old man, quit the play-acting and start passing on the hat. I wanna see some generous offerings today, heh-heh!

Robber 1: Yeah! Heh-heh… Give and it shall be given ya, ain’t that right? Don’t ya fellas know we’re two wretched, hungry sinners here?

Victim 2: Eh? What’s that? What two fat, ugly cleaners? What are they doing here?

Victim 1: (Giggles) They’re ugly, all right.

Robber 1: Hey! We ain’t no cleaners, and we ain’t fat neither!

Victim 3: But you’re ugly, right?

Robber 1: Huh?!? Well….ah.. Now, see here. I ain’t no Miss Universe….

Robber 2: MISTER Universe, idiot! Ya want them to call ya sissy?

Victim 1 and 3: Hey, watch it, being a Miss is not being a Sissy!

Robber 2: (Rolls his eyes) Whatever man! Ya’ll know what I mean!

Victim 3: (Sniffs) Sadly, I do. And I am not nor will I ever be, a Man. Carry on, fool.

Victim 2: Eh, who da man?

(So everyone else pretty much just ignores him, poor Victim 2, all the sadness)

Victim 2: (Confused face) …eh?!

Victim 3, bless her sarcastic self!

Victim 3, bless her sarcastic self!

Chapter 2

Robber 1: Huh….ah… Anyways, like I said, I ain’t no MISTER Universe, and me pardner here ain’t no Sunshine himself, but I betcha the Queen herself will pick me over you anytime!

Victim 3: Oh, really? Well, of all the unspeakable, asinine thing!! I’ll have you know, my fine fellow, that the Queen (God bless her soul *insert quick writer’s note, yeah I wrote this years ago before Her Majesty’s passing*) is a sweet old thing who would reel at the sight of you. My goodness, I bet your mother left home just to get rid of the sight of you!

Robber 1: Me mama ain’t never left home cos of me! She ran away with a traveling sales-man.

Victim 3: Huh! A likely story.

Robber 1: And I’ll have ya know I ain’t no idiot…nohow!

Victim 3: Oh, shut up and grow a beard!

Robber 1: Aha!! Give up, ain’t ya? I knew ya’re all talk and no action! Sour grape, na-na-na-na-na!

Victim 3: Idiot! Silly, ridiculous green-nosed baboon! Not so clever, are you? Have you forgotten what you’re here for? Aren’t you suppose to take our money? Fat-faced, blue-eared….

Robber 1: Oh, that’s right! We really came here to mug ya all, ain’t we, pardner??

Robber 2: As truth herself speaks. Now then, people, let’s see some dough!

Victim 1, bless her guileless self

Victim 1, bless her guileless self

Chapter 3

Victim 1: Do’! Oh, you mean ‘hair-do’, don’t you? Well, how do you like my hair? I did it myself. Actually, I like it better in curls, you know, like Curly Sue’s, but I…

Robber 2: Not ‘hair-do’, silly! DOUGH!! Ya know, ‘money, cash, dime, pennies…’ And I don’t like your hair! What’d you do to it, anyhow? Run a plough through it?

Victim 1: Well!! Of all the...! Some people never know how and when to appreciate beauty!

Robber 1: Gee, I dunno, I like her hair, pard. Looks cute!

Victim 1: Why, thank you kindly, sir. You speak like a gentleman, even if you don’t look or smell like one!

Robber 1: Aww, shucks!

Robber 2: Hey! What’s going on around here, anyhow? Ain’t we gonna rob somebody? ANYBODY??

Robber 1: Aw right, everybody! Quit yapping around and do what you’re suppose to do!

tryna rob Victim 2, bless him the poor deaf dear!

tryna rob Victim 2, bless him the poor deaf dear!

Chapter 4

Victim 1: Gosh! That’s right! You guys are here to take our money, aren’t you? Well, then, why didn’t you say so?

Victim 2: Eh? What’s that? What’s going on? And why are you pointing that stick at me, young man?

Robber 2: This ain’t no stick! It’s a pistol! What are ya, blind or something?

Victim 2: Eh? WINE?! What wine? Where? Who’s got wine? Young man, did you say wine? Well, then, let’s to the party!!!

Robber 2: Who said anythin’ about wine? I only want your money, so start diggin’!

Victim 2: Honey? You want honey? And why should I dig for honey? What tomfoolery. Any idiot knows honey grows on trees, not bubbling around like some lava-pool!

Robber 2: NOT HONEY! MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! Idiot, idiot, idiot!

Victim 1: Eh, did I not-hear you say you want our money? What are you yelling around for an idiot for? And don’t flap around me like that, young man! I’m getting dizzy.... wha...why do you look like a raccoon?

Robber 1: You’re gonna get a lot more dizzy if you let your friend over there upset my pardner more. He’s a real fire-eater, me pardner is! So don’t you go ‘round messing with him no more.

Robber 2: ENOUGH!! I can’t take no more of this … this…. baboonin’-round!!

Robber 1: Er….It’s clowning-’round, pardner.

Victim 2: Huh? Who drown?

Robber 2: Never you mind! Just give us your money!

Victim 2: Honey?

Robber 2: MONEY!

Victim 2: Money?

Robber 2: Yes! Money, money, money!

Victim 2: Where?

Robber 2: In your pocket!

Victim 2: Eh, whose pocket?! Mine?!

Robber 2: YES!! Your pocket!

Victim 2: What’s your money doing in my pocket?


Victim 2: Huh, so it is. What’s the problem then?

Robber 2: (Sobbing in frustration) Wahhh....

Raccoons, LOL!

Raccoons, LOL!

Chapter 5

Robber 2: (Literal tears in eyes now) I’M ROBBING YA, SEE?? Grrrrr…..

Robber 1: Er… Maybe I’d better do the talkin’, pardner. They’re just simple idiots.

Robber 2: Oh sure. They’re idiots. It takes an idiot to make sense of another idiot!

Robber 1: !!..’scuse me. Did ya call me an idiot, pardner?

Robber 2: An idiot? Did I call ya an idiot? ‘course not, idiot!! I’m your pardner, ain’t i?

Robber 1: Well yeah.... I guess so.

Robber 2: ‘Course so! Now let us rob some people, pardner! STICK ‘EM UP, WENCHES AND OLD PERSON, GIVE ‘EM HERE!!


And so they robbed some people. Well, they tried, but turned out that none of their intended victims had any money, you see. The two ladies never carried cash with them since they’re well, ladies, and that was all the explanation they gave. As for the old gentleman, he was a retiree, you see, and he just did not have the cash. He just really liked train-rides, the old dear. Plus, he got major senior citizens' discounts, so why would he had needed cash, am I right? The end.

Nobody lived happily ever after there, everybody's too cranky, but there’s entertainment, surely. Plus, nobody got robbed. The end again.

Character Profile:

Robber 1 and Robber 2 were just the dum-dum duo.

Victim 1 was the prim, giggly lady.

Victim 2 was the deaf and slightly blind old gentleman.

Victim 3 was the ornery, pompous lady.

Note : The writer does not condone nor encourage name-calling of any sorts. There will be no robbery of any kind tolerated either.

Note part deux whatever : The writer apologizes to the baboon. No offense was meant, truly. Please to have a laugh, and yee-haw in peace. Yee-haw.

More notes part what-ever : Nothing is politically correct.

Well, rats...there's a post-credit scene >:|

Well, rats...there's a post-credit scene >:|

Post-Credit Scene Whatever

Snoring in the background.

Robber 2 : (Ranting) Ya know what? Dude? I want justice for all the men-robbers out there and also gender equality. Yes, that’s what I want. You know why? Because I know for a fact that the writer is a FEMALE and yet she makes all the villains - fyi, US - men! I demand that SHE makes female villains next time! (stares through the computer screen at the writer, thus breaking the fourth wall)

Writer : Eep! Time to log out!! Peace out!!

© 2022 Lynne Samuel