Country Comes to Buckhorn

Updated on September 12, 2019
Gerry Glenn Jones profile image

Gerry Glenn Jones is a writer of fiction and nonfiction, as well as scripts for theatre and film. This is a factual account.

Introduction

I wrote this stage play script in 2011, and my inspiration came from living on a farm when I was young, and the antics that some local people provided to make life there more interesting. "Country Comes to Buckhorn" is a two-act play set in the fictional community of Pontowok County in Mississippi. The only town for many miles is Buckhorn, and it's the terminus for much of the zany activities of the somewhat addled country folk, who make the "Beverley Hillbillies," "He Haw," and the "Dukes of Hazard" seem tame compared to the country folk around Buckhorn.

This play is presented in its original form, with all its formatting shown. Also, all names and places in the script are fictional.

Animal Pyramid
Animal Pyramid | Source

Act 1 - Scene 1 - Introducing Grandpa Haycock and Lester Funderburk

(Play opens with Grandpa, John Haycock, and Neighbor, Lester Funderburk, sitting in rockers on the front porch, whittling.)

(Dueling Banjos - Music plays)

(song ends)

LESTER FUNDERBURK

You know, this could wear a man plumb out!

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK

Yeah, it's a good thing that we pace ourselves, Lester.

LESTER FUNDERBURK

You got that right, John. These women folk don't know how good they got it made.

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK

You dang right bout that---I reckon they couldn't stand it if'n they tried to keep up with us.

LESTER FUNDERBURK

Yeah, Lula Belle was complaining just this morning that she has to get up too early to start breakfast. I done told her time after time, Lula Belle, I don't expect you to get up afore 3:30. That still gives her plenty of time to milk the cow and slop them hogs afore she has to get me up ta eat.

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK

Ya know, I've had that same complaint outa Patsy for the past 40 years, or so, but ya know that complaining didn't start till after the honeymoon up at Old Ben Cayson's Pond.

LESTER FUNDERBURK

I didn't know ya'll went up thar. Me and Lula Belle took our honeymoon over in Crockett County. We camped under the stars for a whole week, and I tried to learn Lula to hunt possums, but she didn't take a likin to it too much. She said it wudn't a proper honeymoon. She had her mind made set on us spending our honeymoon up at Pig Waller at her sister's house, a watchin her younguns.

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK

Lula Belle has always been hard to please, I reckon.


Grandpa Haycock's greens
Grandpa Haycock's greens

Act 1 - Scene 2 - Introducing Grandma Haycock

(The two old men become silent as Grandma Patsy comes out on the porch in her apron. She gives Grandpa a sour look)

GRANDMA PATSY HAYCOCK:

I guess you boys are planning on a sitting out here all day, lying to each other.

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK:

No Patsy, darlin, we wus just a talkin good things about you and Lula Belle.

LESTER FUNDERBURK:

(Says proudly)

That's a true fact---I was a fixin to tell John how much we should appreciate our women folk. Heck---we couldn't have sent all the way over to Memphis to find no fancier women than you and Lula Belle!

GRANDMA PATSY HAYCOCK:

Lester, you old fool, you always did know how to flirt with a woman, with that silver tongue you got. Now, ifin you two are caught up on your gossip, you kin come on in; I reckon I cooked enough for you to Lester.

LESTER FUNDERBURK:

I thank ya kindly there Patsy--I believe I will stay and have a bite to eat with you since Lula Belle is probably still chopping firewood.

(They go into the house)

Rural mailboxes
Rural mailboxes | Source

Act 1 - Scene 3 - Enter Billy Ray Mathis and Ely Stone

(Billy Ray Mathis and Ely Stone come around the side of the house. Billy Ray is carrying a burlap bag with something moving in it. They sit it down on the porch steps and start looking in the bag.)

ELY STONE:

That's the maddest skunk I ever did see!

BILLY RAY MATHIS:

He sho does stink--don't he?

ELY STONE:

Yeah...he's rank. Are ya sure you want ta do this to Cousin Vern---sometimes he can get real upset!

BILLY RAY MATHIS:

We owe him--don't you remember the snake he put in yore daddy's truck?

ELY STONE:

We don't know for shore that he done it; It could have been Earl Watson.

BILLY RAY MATHIS:

Na--it was Vern alright--he bragged to the Wilson boys about causin yore daddy to run his truck off in the cow pond.

ELY STONE:

I guess yore right. Ya know, it was kinda funny the way my pappy jumped outta that truck while it was still movin.

BILLY RAY MATHIS:

Yeah, and he was a saying some words I ain't never heard before.

ELY STONE:

Yeah, an he was a sayin um while he wus trying to run in mid air.

BILLY RAY MATHIS:

It's just natural that we get Vern back, but are ya shore that Grandma and Grandpa Haycock are gone?

ELY STONE:

They gone---I saw Grandpa's truck heading tord town bout an hour ago, and you know grandpa won't let Vern drive it no more since he tried to outrun Sheriff Potts. And, ya know Grandma won't let grandpa go ta town by himself since she saw him a talkin to Widow Burns.

BILLY RAY MATHIS:

Well, let's get 'er done then. I'll bet old Vern is asleep on the couch, taking his lunch-time nap.

(The boys open the screen door, and slowly open the wood door, and Ely puts the open bag inside. They then retreat to trees in the front yard to watch the fun. There's a long period of silence, then the sound of grandma's scream.)

GRANDMA PATSY HAYCOCK:

Mercy help us---it's a skunk! Get it outta here John!

LESTER FUNDERBURK:

Whew--wee, I saw it run under the table John--watch out there it comes!

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK:

Well, open the front door ya idiot--- we gotta get this thing outta here.

GRANDMA PATSY HAYCOCK:

Look out, it's headin for our bedroom--stop it John!

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK:

What do ya think I'm a tryin to do, dance with it. Ooooh--wee, he done sprayed me good!

(Lester runs out the front door)

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK:

Where ya going ya coward?

LESTER FUNDERBURK:

I just remembered, Lula Belle told me ta be home by 12:30.

(As he goes out of the door, he is followed by grandma, who is holding her nose, and grandpa, who has the broom in his hand. They are all followed by the angry skunk. They see Billy Ray and Ely take off running from behind the trees. Grandpa understands what has just happened and he yells at the boys.)

GRANDPA JOHN HAYCOCK:

You boys better run. When yore daddy gets through with his hickory switch, y'all won't be able to run no more for a while.

(Lester, grandma and grandpa disappear around the side of the house as the band plays "Foggy Mountain Breakdown")

Stinky the skunk
Stinky the skunk | Source

Next Exciting Visit to "Country Comes to Buckhorn"

Join us next time for Country Comes to Buckhorn: Act 1 - Scene 4, and meet some more of the leading citizens of Buckhorn; namely, Sheriff Leroy Potts, Earl Watson, and Deputy Jenkins as they add their country expertise to the saga, "Country Comes to Buckhorn."

Betsy the cow
Betsy the cow | Source

Questions & Answers

    © 2019 Gerry Glenn Jones

    Comments

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      • Gerry Glenn Jones profile imageAUTHOR

        Gerry Glenn Jones 

        7 months ago from Somerville, Tennessee

        John, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      • profile image

        JOHN LOCKE 

        7 months ago

        HEY YOU OLD WHIPPER SNAPPER .. I ENJOYED THE READ MADE ME LAUGH

      • Gerry Glenn Jones profile imageAUTHOR

        Gerry Glenn Jones 

        8 months ago from Somerville, Tennessee

        I don't know Uvond, I am waiting for all the response. I glad you like it!!!

      • profile image

        Uvond 

        8 months ago

        It was great!!!! When are you going to get it published.

      • Pamela99 profile image

        Pamela Oglesby 

        8 months ago from Sunny Florida

        This play was fun to read. I can't image a skunk spraying inside the house. We would have to move! I really enjoyed this act of your play.

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