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Lessons Learned from Loving a Confused Man


I loved a guy for five years.

We broke up and made up several times. I asked him about his future plans hoping to hear that I would be a part of it. I invested so much in him including my time, attention, money and love. I was sure that he would be the guy I will marry someday. I believed in him. I was his rock during his difficult times. I almost ran away with him to build a life together. I was contented with the little time he was spending with me and understood that he was just busy with work.

The last time we broke up and talked again, he told me he would be busy with work and he was not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I waited for a year, hoping that maybe he would be someday ready to be with me again. I waited patiently even if my mind was telling me to move on.

Days, weeks and months went by and my confusion grew bigger. I was looking for a big reason to walk away for I knew deep in my heart that he cannot love me anymore. I asked him about his plans for us and he kept on telling me that he was not sure of what he wants.

Until one day, I got the only reason to walk away for good. He went back to his ex-girlfriend while I was waiting for a year. I gave him a chance to explain himself. I even asked him to choose between us but he gave me a vague answer. I decided to move on and never look back again.

Today it has been more than a year since I walked away. My journey was an emotional roller-coaster. There were nights when I was crying myself to sleep or I would wake up with a wet pillow. There were days when I was mad at everyone and I was looking for a medicine to give my heart a temporary fix. I convinced myself that I would never look back and I never texted him even once.

I went on so many trips with my friends and discovered that there is a bigger world outside my life with my ex-boyfriend. I met new people, fell in love with different places, laughed again and for the first time since the breakup, I found peace within me. Eventually my tears for him lessened and the pain did not bother me that much anymore.

One day after my birthday this year, he texted me and asking me to meet him. He told me that he misses me and he made a big mistake. He told me that it has been more than a year but it has always been me. My younger self would have believed that but I learned so much better from my experience. I asked him if his ex-girlfriend left him again but he did not reply. Once and for all, I told him that I respect his now girlfriend and she seems to be a good woman who deserves a chance. And I deserve being more than just a backup plan. For the first time in my life, I felt happy with my decision. And I didn't feel any pain when I pushed him away for good.

This experience taught me so many things.

1. Life is not like the movies where I romanticize everything. It doesn't mean that if someone goes back to me, it is meant to be. It's not always about happy endings. It's not about chasing someone and hoping that I will be chosen in return. I do not live in Hollywood. I make my future and I decide for our relationships.

2. Life is too short to keep giving someone unlimited chances to treat me bad again. I am not a doormat to let anyone go in and out of my life as they wish. They got it wrong before, do they have to be given multiple chances for them to know the right things to do? I am not a training ground so that they can be good men for other women.

3. So many things could happen in a year. After the breakup, I checked my progress in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and a year. It took me a year to fully forgive him and myself. I was also able to think clearly and process the breakup on my own pace. I learned to accept why our relationship did not work and what I have to work on myself to become a better lover in the future.

4. I deserve someone who doesn't have to lose me first before he sees my worth. The man who is really meant for me would not go anywhere. He doesn't have to meet so many women til he finally decides that he wants to be with me. He doesn't have to make my heart the collateral damage if he really cares about me. Finally, he will be sure about me and doesn't need any reasons to justify it.

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