To All Moms
For the Mothers that feel alone... Know that you're not alone
He may be crying only to feel my touch. To be held close. To feel warm and safe.
It can be so frustrating when there's so much to do and I have to sit and rock my child. Sometimes for hours.
I may get him back to sleep and lay him down, only to have to pick him right back up when he cries again. I may cry a little too.
And when I'm desperate for sleep and begging God to help me stay sane. Begging God to help this child sleep. At times I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
I don't think God looks down and shakes his head in disappointment... I feel like He knows... He understands...
Because, I know I'm not the first woman to cry out in the night. To wonder if I'm going to make it. I've talked to other Moms who battle the same things.
Depression and Loss
Many battle depression. I know I did. I think it went even deeper than that for me. I know for a long time I just was not myself. You can call it whatever you like but I know I was going a little crazy. or maybe a lot.
I look back and see a pattern. I had a baby, 3 months later I was pregnant again. I had a miscarriage. Then 3 months later pregnant AGAIN. Wouldn't that make anyone go a little insane?
A miscarriage alone is a battle in itself. You don't know how to think, how to feel. You can't help but ask God, "Why?"
And those who think you should never ask God why must never have gone through any kind of loss. It's human nature to ask questions. To try to understand something that we probably never will.
During miscarriage you may blame yourself. You may even blame your husband. But sometimes things just happen. This reality doesn't make sense and does nothing to make you feel any better.
Loss is part of life and we all deal with it in different ways. But there is a peace in miscarriage too. Knowing that your baby is in the hands of God and won't have to battle sickness. He won't know what it's like to lose a loved one to death. He will know God and that's a million times better than what we have to offer here on Earth.
It doesn't make sense, but you don't have to understand. it's OK to ask, "why".
But for the children that I am blessed to know. The children God allowed me to raise, I forget all too quickly how delicate life is. I forget that this time with them while they are little is precious.
"No more booboo's that need kissing."
No one's got it "all together"
I remember back to the days of pregnancy, reading up on all of the articles of child raising.
How to get your infant to sleep through the night.
When to take your child to the doctor.
Should I vaccinate my child?
Should I stay home with my child?
Why is there so much controversy about raising kids? Why is everyone so judgy? And why is there so much pressure on Moms!?
Nothing could prepare anyone for this. There's no book, article or person that can give you enough advice to truly prepare you. Not mentally... Not emotionally...
Some things just have to be lived out. I understand this now. I painfully understand.
I can laugh at myself now though. Thinking I was so smart. Having it all together. Knowing what to do at every stage of their lives before they were even born.
I was so naive.
And now I know that every kid is so different. They all respond differently... There's not always one set way... There's many ways to raise a child...
Which is why it's so scary... You only get one chance... And I sure as heck don't want to mess it up.
With all the pressure, all the tears, the sleepless nights and the rude awakenings in the mornings... I know that one day I won't have that.
One day, there won't be a little hand reaching out for me. There won't be a cry in the night for me.
One day, I will find myself with no more children in my home. No more cuddles. No more, "Mama look"...
No more nap times that give me a chance to clean.
No more booboo's that need kissing.
No more pitter patter of little feet.
I won't be needed so much... I won't be hugged as much...
It will be just me and my husband and silence.
Those days will have some good times too but right now is our best times. I've heard too many old people say that I'm going to miss this.
I've worked in a nursing home and I've seen the women holding baby dolls... They miss these times that I'm in right now.
They miss being needed.
One day, I will miss this time. Despite all of my frustrations. I will miss this.
But, for real, the frustrations aren't as frustrating when I think about "One day".
Deep down, we all secretly want to be needed and we all want to be loved...
And that's what I've got right now.
So, when I hear him crying out for another bottle, to be held and rocked. Maybe I should think about "One Day" and know that it will come all too quickly...