You Didn’t Deserve to Die

Updated on August 14, 2018
Macie Colson profile image

Macie is a 22 year old nanny who’s dream is to touch people with her words. She wants her writing to let people to know they aren’t alone.

Ivania Elizabeth, this ones for you.

You didn’t deserve to die. Oh sure, you had your faults like the rest of us. You struggled and you lost your way at times. But girl - you were a fighter. No matter how many times life tried to knock you down, you fought back ten times harder. And it wasn’t always graceful, or pretty, or elegant, but you freaking fought. Until now.

I knew something was wrong. On Thursday, August 9th, I had an anxious feeling in my spirit all day long. You had snapchatted me at 9:30 pm the night before, but I was already asleep and didn’t respond until morning. By 8 pm, you still hadn’t responded which was rare for you. Throughout the day, my anxiety grew. Around 8:15, for whatever reason I grew frantic. It’s like I knew. I called, texted, snapchatted, & FaceTimed you. No response. I then decided to message your boyfriend & other best friend.

And less than 10 minutes later, what I already somehow knew was confirmed.

“She passed away Macie.”

I nearly crumbled to the floor. My soul s c r e a m e d. Tears gushed. It was a gut wrenching pain like I hadn’t felt in almost 10 years since my dad died. So many smiles, & late night phone calls, & tweets, & snapchats and every part of your presence in my future was gone. You were going to visit for Thanksgiving. We were going to see Paramore in concert. We were going to plan your wedding together. You were going to be a dental assistant for now and a private pilot someday so you could be a stay at home mom. We were going to go to Benihana and pretend to be engaged again.

And in one moment, all of that disappeared quicker than you could snap your fingers.

It’s a strange thing, dealing with the death of someone you love. The world keeps spinning & life keeps going although you’re not entirely sure how. My soul still has that gut wrenching feeling it had 4 days ago when I heard the news. I cannot stop thinking about you. From the moment I wake up till my eyes finally drift to sleep ... all of my thoughts are of you, sweet girl.

And I wish I could say I’m handling your death with grace, & strength. But honestly? I’m angry.

I’m angry because you deserved more time. More time to get your life together. To go to school and get your degree and get married and have babies. To seek out Jesus & grow in your walk with Him. More time to be my friend and to grow with me. I’m angry because I want you to still be here with me. I want to tweet and know that in 5 minutes you’ll respond to it. I want you to still gush over every Snapchat of my puppies. I want my friend that supports me no matter how bad I screw up and never judges me but pushes me to be better. No, V, you weren’t perfect. I hate when people die and everyone forgets every bad thing they ever did. But you were my friend. And I love you.

I know God’s promises still stand. His faithfulness is true & He has never failed me yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still wish you were here. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to hit my steering wheel & cry & write you letters to tell you all the things you need to know. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss you everyday for the rest of my life. But I do know I will meet you again where no darkness exists. And you will be free of all pain, and suffering, and it will be a joyous reunion. I will do my very very best to honor your memory by living my life well. I will make you proud, V.

“Although I don’t believe everything happens for a specific reason, I do believe it’s possible to find purpose even in the absence of any explanation.” - Rachel Hollis

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)