You Didn’t Deserve to Die
Ivania Elizabeth, this ones for you.
You didn’t deserve to die. Oh sure, you had your faults like the rest of us. You struggled and you lost your way at times. But girl - you were a fighter. No matter how many times life tried to knock you down, you fought back ten times harder. And it wasn’t always graceful, or pretty, or elegant, but you freaking fought. Until now.
I knew something was wrong. On Thursday, August 9th, I had an anxious feeling in my spirit all day long. You had snapchatted me at 9:30 pm the night before, but I was already asleep and didn’t respond until morning. By 8 pm, you still hadn’t responded which was rare for you. Throughout the day, my anxiety grew. Around 8:15, for whatever reason I grew frantic. It’s like I knew. I called, texted, snapchatted, & FaceTimed you. No response. I then decided to message your boyfriend & other best friend.
And less than 10 minutes later, what I already somehow knew was confirmed.
“She passed away Macie.”
I nearly crumbled to the floor. My soul s c r e a m e d. Tears gushed. It was a gut wrenching pain like I hadn’t felt in almost 10 years since my dad died. So many smiles, & late night phone calls, & tweets, & snapchats and every part of your presence in my future was gone. You were going to visit for Thanksgiving. We were going to see Paramore in concert. We were going to plan your wedding together. You were going to be a dental assistant for now and a private pilot someday so you could be a stay at home mom. We were going to go to Benihana and pretend to be engaged again.
And in one moment, all of that disappeared quicker than you could snap your fingers.
It’s a strange thing, dealing with the death of someone you love. The world keeps spinning & life keeps going although you’re not entirely sure how. My soul still has that gut wrenching feeling it had 4 days ago when I heard the news. I cannot stop thinking about you. From the moment I wake up till my eyes finally drift to sleep ... all of my thoughts are of you, sweet girl.
And I wish I could say I’m handling your death with grace, & strength. But honestly? I’m angry.
I’m angry because you deserved more time. More time to get your life together. To go to school and get your degree and get married and have babies. To seek out Jesus & grow in your walk with Him. More time to be my friend and to grow with me. I’m angry because I want you to still be here with me. I want to tweet and know that in 5 minutes you’ll respond to it. I want you to still gush over every Snapchat of my puppies. I want my friend that supports me no matter how bad I screw up and never judges me but pushes me to be better. No, V, you weren’t perfect. I hate when people die and everyone forgets every bad thing they ever did. But you were my friend. And I love you.
I know God’s promises still stand. His faithfulness is true & He has never failed me yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still wish you were here. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to hit my steering wheel & cry & write you letters to tell you all the things you need to know. It doesn’t mean I won’t miss you everyday for the rest of my life. But I do know I will meet you again where no darkness exists. And you will be free of all pain, and suffering, and it will be a joyous reunion. I will do my very very best to honor your memory by living my life well. I will make you proud, V.
“Although I don’t believe everything happens for a specific reason, I do believe it’s possible to find purpose even in the absence of any explanation.” - Rachel Hollis