As a child, I would spend many summers with my paternal grandmother who was of Arab heritage. I loved being with her and she always made me feel like I was important.
The feeling of being important to her was a wonderful feeling. My home life with my parents was not very pleasant. My parents fought constantly and I was often made to feel like a pest that demanded too much attention.
Going to see my grandmother was a wonderful break from my parents and I learned so much about being an Arab child from her. I would often hear my grandmother say "what's written on the brow, the eyes shall see".
In Arab culture, it is believed that a person has free will, however, there are things that are predestined too. Whenever a person is born into this world, their whole life is "written" on their forehead. The writing is invisible to the human eye.
Whenever something (good or bad) happened in our lives, my grandmother would always say that it was written on the brow. I still think about what my grandmother said and it is both comforting and frightening to me.
I used to have a blog a couple of years ago, but I ended up deleting it. Everything I wrote, thought, and created gone with a single keystroke. I never understood why I did that. Maybe it was symbolic of what I felt at the time. I wanted to be gone and who am I if not for my words and thoughts?
Suicide was always an option, but I could never do that, so I committed a kind of suicide by destroying my blog. At the time, an event took place in my life that left me questioning everything about this world and the people in it.
I was never naive about the evil that human beings are capable of. I never believed that underneath it all, people are good and kind. I knew that there are some good people in the world, but it does not apply to everyone in the world. However, what took place in the winter of 2019 left me in a state of absolute shock and despair.
Maybe I didn't truly understand people after all, I thought. Maybe I AM naive and trusting. The incident that took place left me numb, hopeless, and ultimately unable to forgive the people responsible for my pain.
As long as I can remember, I've always been able to forgive whenever someone hurt me, but this time, I couldn't fathom how I can possibly or even eventually find forgiveness for the two people that have turned my heart into a piece of granite that somehow kept beating, still kept me alive.
I will write about this event and its cast of characters at a later time. At the moment, I'm introducing this new blog and hopefully, you will find it to be insightful in some way. Please feel free to write to me and comment. Thank you for reading.
© 2021 Johanna Elattar
Umesh Chandra Bhatt from Kharghar, Navi Mumbai, India on February 06, 2021:
Keep on writing. All the best.