My expertise in this is that I lived it. I did it to myself. Yet not consciously
Who does this to themselves?
I don't know why I did something like this to myself, but I didn't do it consciously
It was about 10 years ago. I had a good job in IT. Despite the fact that I dropped out of college. But I was by no means technically minded. I never understood what I was doing, therefore I really felt like a fraud.
I used up so much focus and energy in hating it, that I became exhausted emotionally. I could not take an other day. (So, I thought in my cocky little brain) that I just quit. Without having any direction, or much of a savings.
Upon quitting, I immediately registered for school full time to become a licenced Massage Therapist. And I decided to use my entire 401k to survive on while I attended.
Exactly half way through, when I was running out of money fast, I fortunately, had a stroke. I say fortunately because, my symptoms afterward are not earth shattering. I never finished because I was too busy being a victim of a non earth shattering stroke. Although, I'll never be able to speak like I once could, I can be understood. I also have slight balance problems. And slightly compromised fine motor skills. Because of the stroke, I was fortunate enough to get approved for disability. So at least I get some automatic income. Right now, especially, I am very thankful for it.
In addition, because I'm on disability, I don't have to pay back my 401k
I am extremely fortunate
But I wasn't always this thankful. I was always a huge victim. Thinking that life just happened to me, I had zero control. I allowed life to control me, as opposed to me control it. Anytime my brother said anything to me (he always said I was a victim), I'd just get defensive with a million "but's", and "you don't understand" . Poor me, woe is me, type attitude.
For several years thereafter, I told people that I was living in poverty.
I was never living in poverty
The amount I get is definitely survivable. It's not a lot but one can certainly survive on it if very careful
I was not always this appreciative. I felt a big sense of entitlement. Yet for no reason
And admittedly I had horrendous teachers; My parents were huge victims. That mind set was all I knew. I still often have to watch how I am thinking, and acting.
I then used my stroke to become even more of a victim. I had been comfortably living on Long Island, but since I never really looked for work, after my stroke, I could no longer afford to live there. I then moved to Pittsfield, Ma. where prices are drastically lower than Long Island. (Long Island is expensive)
I lived in low cost housing. Big deal, right? Well it was to me. For some weird reason I hated people knowing that. But why? Now I'd do almost anything to have it back.
As I write this I am technically homeless. Yes I have a roof over my head, but since February of this year, I've been staying at a friends. ( I am staying here so that I can save a bit of money) Prior to that, I'd been living in an "illegal rental". for a few years. My landlord was not able to get it legalized because it did not have closets It also did not have a full kitchen. I could not use it as my address. So the address on my drivers license was not legal. And I was being way overcharged, but I needed privacy. It was my choice.
You see, I'd made the catastrophic mistake of leaving low cost housing because for some idiotic reason I thought I was above it. I'm above nothing.
I left it, moved to California, had my car repossessed, gave up all of my furniture, moved in with a roommate just to be in a "better" living situation. It was not better. It was hell. I gave up everything because I couldn't afford to take anything with me. I gave up everything so that I could move to a "better" place....hell
Then my roommate in California got pregnant, so that was my excuse to move elsewhere.....
Writing this feels very surreal. Like I can't believe I'm writing about myself. I swear I am not making this up
A friend of my parents (who are deceased now) was living in Florida. She told my brother that I could come live with her. So feeling that I had no other choice, (because, remember; I was a victim) I went there. And that was when I began to feel that I did not have a home. But I was too frightened to admit that to myself at that time. And that was about 5 years ago. I am 56 years old now.
After that I had a few more subsequent roommates. I had a serious problem with each other one. But the problem was not with the roommates that I had, it was with myself for living that way. But; again; I refused to admit it to myself at that time. Throughout my insane journey I totally lost sight of everything that I enjoyed. I had zero purpose. What was my point in being here? I wasn't even volunteering. I never had kids, and have no pets.
As I am writing this I am still at my friends. I finally got a place of my own which I will be moving in to in a few weeks. Who does this to themselves?
Somehow everyone just knew not to ask me too much. Not to even ask me basic questions. But a relatively new friend, on 2 occasions asked me a very obvious, every day question of what I had going on.
Little did he know how loaded of a question that was. That's when I realized that I truly had nothing. It wasn't so much the embarrassment that I had to say out loud; "nothing", it was the deep sadness that I felt of all the time I wasted doing nothing. And how do you make nothing sound interesting?
I could have gotten through my initial panic over feeling like I didn't know my job. I must've known something. I did it for 22 years
And this is who I was.
I have been in a place of my own again since August 2020. Thank goodness
Is this what it took to finally get me to appreciate the little but that I DO have?
Everyone tells me to stop being so hard on myself.
And putting this on paper. Actually saying it all out loud. Has helped me to stop.
But wouldn't you be a little hard on yourself having done what I did?
I am human; Of course I was hard on myself
jacy albertson (author) from Sanford, fl on October 11, 2021:
Aww I love you buddy. What you wrote really touched me and made me giggle at the same time. Hugs right back at ya
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on October 11, 2021:
This article finally answered my question of long ago. :) Makes perfect sense now. How about you give yourself a break and quit being so hard on yourself. I have been a total fuck-up at times during my life. You can join my club. :) Congrats on the new living arrangements. Hugs from Olympia!