Why Miscarriages Aren't Just "Miscarriages".
On the night of October 11th, 2017, I found out that I was going to be a Mother. I remember vividly all of the emotions that I felt that night when the nurse came back into the room and told us "The test results came back positive". I remember feeling anxious, excitement, fear, anxiety all at once. The feeling was unexplainable, yet beautiful.
From a young age, I have always dreamed about being a Mother one day. I can remember asking my family for baby-dolls every Christmas & Birthday of mine when I was a little girl. As I got older, I found myself even wanting to work with children. The joy, warmth, and happiness in my heart every time that I am around children, made me realize that I am destined to be a Mother.
When I found out that I was going to be a Mother, it was a dream come true. The countless moments that I spent thinking to myself "What is my life was going to look like" was phenomenal. I remember thinking about the gender, the life that I would give my baby, the color hair that my baby would have, everything you can think of.
A couple of weeks after we found out the big news, I had my first ultrasound. For anyone reading this who is a Mother, you know what the anticipation is like waiting for your first ultrasound. I remember walking into the OB Office and fidgeting with excitement. I remember laying down on the bed wondering what my baby would look like when the nurse scanned over my uterus. At the time, my baby was only 7 weeks, which is about the size of a blueberry. I wasn't able to see much, but the nurse scanned over the baby and all I could see was the tiny heart-beat. I remember my eyes starting to fill with tears because seeing my baby's heart-beat was the most precious moment of my life. It was beautiful knowing that there was a little soul, and a little life growing within me.
As the days went on, I started planning on what I would need for when the baby arrived. I started seperating different names that I liked, boy & girl names. I even started planning what Hospital I would deliver the baby in. It may have seemed too early, but it's better to plan earlier rather than later!
No more than two weeks after my first ultrasound, I started having light uterine bleeding. I remember panicing and questioning if it was a normal process to go through. It was my first pregnancy so I continuously asked family and friends for advice. I remember people explaining to me that it can be normal, especially in the beginning of a pregnancy, but if the bleeding got worse, to call the Doctors. I remember going to bed that night afraid. I was terrified of what was happening, I was afraid of what would happen to my baby. I was afraid of how things would turn out. All I could do was pray that night and ask God to help me..
Things didn't get better from there, they only got worse. I remember going into the Emergency Room because of how much I was bleeding. I remember them hooking me up to an IV and rushing in the room to take my vitals. I remember the Doctor's facial expressions every minute. I didn't know how to exactly feel, but I kept trying to tell myself that things would be okay. The doctor ended up telling me that night that I was going through a "Threatened miscarriage", and that there was a 50/50 chance that my baby would survive.
The entire car ride back home I remember the numbness that I felt. "Why is this happening?","What did I do wrong?". At that moment all I could do was blame myself. How could everything be perfect one moment, to completely changing? No matter how afraid I was, I did everything I could to try to prevent the miscarriage from happening. I remember being on bed-rest for three days, I remember drinking gallons of water the days following, doing everything that I could in my own power to help save my baby.
After six long days of very little sleep, excruciating pain, constant doctor trips, dozens of phone calls, all of my hopes, and all of my dreams scattered right before my eyes. I lost my baby. I lost my everything..
If you are reading this right now, I can't explain to you the feelings that I had that night, other than I was numb. To see your baby's heart beating one moment, to having a little precious life ripped away from you in the matter of days, there is no way to explain that pain to you.
The days after my miscarriage were extremely difficult. So many different emotions and thoughts were flooding through my mind. I remember crying for two days, being in my Boyfriends arms hoping that we would get through it. I remember seeing new moms with their babies, and having my heart ripped out of my chest everytime. I remember the feeling of anger, and sadness everytime that someone asked me if I was "okay". I remember the guilt that I put myself through because I felt like I did everything wrong. I remember taking the hospital & doctor papers and throwing them in a drawer so I wouldn't have to be reminded of them. I remember looking at my ultrasound pictures and praying to God that he would keep my baby safe. I remember the times I would pray to my little baby apologizing. I remember never wanting to work in a Pre School again because I felt like I would never be able to heal again..
I never truly understood what a Miscarriage was, until I went through one myself. I don't think anyone truly understands unless they've gone through it themselves. For those reading this right now, Miscarriages are more than just a "miscarriage". It is the same emotional pain that a parent feels when they lose their child. The only difference is, when you go through a Miscarriage, you don't get to experience a life with your baby. And that's the part that kills.