Stop Labeling Our Projections of Expectations, Desires, and Feelings on Another Person as LOVE

Updated on June 22, 2018

I recently attended a small group meditation. One of the attendees expressed her deep afflictions she is experiencing in her relationship with her daughter. The woman said her daughter is 19. She wants to be a great mom and wants the best for her daughter. She wants her daughter to be "the spiritual girl" so that her daughter doesn't have to go through the hard lessons she learned in life, so she signed up her daughter for Sharon Salzberg's retreat. But her daughter is not connecting with her and she doesn't know what to do.

As I sat there and watched her, I translated her grievances into the following:

"My expectations and desires for my daughter are not being met. She is not good enough, not in the ways I think she should be. I know what is the best for my daughter. She should be doing X, instead she is doing Z. I want her to be a spiritual girl, but she is not. I am deeply disappointed by this and at a loss as to what to do. I am trying really hard to be a great mom, but my relationship with my daughter is not working out. I feel deeply troubled by this."

I noticed my feelings. There were a mix of sympathy and aversion. I saw how distressed she was about the situation. I also felt this aversion in my heart as I listened to her narrative of how things should be, masked under the labels of love and spirituality.

As an outsider, I don’t know the details of her relationship with her daughter and it is not for me to judge. But something I have learned about human relationships is that the first condition of love is acceptance. The second condition of love is understanding how to give love.

Not willing to accept others as the way they are and forcing others to be the way we want is not love. This "thing" we believe is love is causing a lot of suffering for ourselves and others.

Many of us can relate to this woman’s story and probably have experienced in our own lives where our feelings and expectations for another person don't get reciprocated. We feel like we are the victims. We don't understand how the other person can be so cruel as to turn a blind eye to our yearnings and feelings.

There is no law in the universe that states our love and feelings must to be reciprocated.

The reality is that there is no law in the universe that states our love and feelings must to be reciprocated by others. Conversely, all of us have our own free will to make choices that are to be respected.

When we have deep feelings and expectations for someone (family, friends and partners), we automatically project our imaginations, desires, and emotions onto that person. Our minds start to fantasize and imagine how things "should" be.

We get so lost in our own emotions and fantasies that we forget that the "things" we want may not be what the other person wants after all.

The fine line between trying and forcing.

Sometimes when we try, we end up getting what we want. The other person starts to reciprocate our feelings and expectations. Other times when we try, we fail. There is a fine line between "trying" and "forcing" to make things happen. When we persistently try and fail, this is when we have to pick up our dignity and self-respect and learn to let go instead of "forcing" our feelings and expectations onto others. This is also about learning to respect others' will and choices.

Every human being cherishes his/her own feelings and emotions. Our love and feelings are not more valid than other people’s feelings and love, even though we believe our feelings are the most valid thing in the world. We can't force onto others what they don't want and still label it as love. Because that is not love, it is us projecting our selfish desires onto another person. We know that because when we fail to have things the way we want, we feel miserable.



Love is not about projecting our expectations, desires and feelings onto others and expect them to be the way we want. If we do that, we are guaranteed to be disappointed and hurt. But if we can love others even though they are not the way we want, we can experience aliveness of love. We will feel a lot of joy and happiness in our relationships because our hearts are filled with love for others.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • myzencafe profile imageAUTHOR

      Wendy Lin 

      2 months ago from New York

      Yup, part of that learning is learning self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-love. We learn to love ourselves and others the way we want to be loved.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      2 months ago

      "There is no law in the universe that states our love and feelings must to be reciprocated. " - Very true!

      However we're all entitled to have our own {mate selection process} and "must haves list" for choosing our ideal mate.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      The choice is up to us. Choose wisely!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)