What Not to Be
Blood doesn't define family...
A small peak into some of the things that have happened in my life, sharing life experiences and advice for when something goes in this very interesting direction like mine has.
Hopefully we can come to an understanding and share our lives together in the form of words...
Loneliness isn't necessary, don't fight anything alone
Do you ever feel like you're on the edge? Ready to jump off a cliff? You're not alone! No one is truly alone, we just feel that way due to the lack of ability to share our feelings with others without judgement. We live in a very judgemental and nosy society and that makes it hard to feel comfortable enough in our own skin to share life experiences with others. I'm guilty of this myself. I've become more and more of a hermit over the years even though everything in me wishes to be free; to not worry about what I need to do or feel without repercussions. Let me be clear, it's not that I worry about what others think about me. It's more-so that I worry about what horrible thing may happen to someone I care about. There are so few people that I can genuinely care about.
Today I'm breaking that seal, I'm ending the need to hide inside of my shell and not take any action. Today I'm hoping that maybe someone is going through the same things I've gone through in my life and that this will help them. I'd much rather the world be filled with happiness as well as acceptance...but lets face it, it's not and it may never be. There's death and sorrow happening every day, everywhere and most people need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to whisper into. I'm here to provide that shoulder or that ear through all my life experiences.
Don't lose yourself
You're going to be okay! Just breathe! No one is perfect, nothing is going to go right the first time, and sometimes you're going to make a bunch of mistakes.
No family is perfect, but that's why there's time apart. Try to be understanding and reflect more-so on your handling the situation rather than theirs. Even though someone may act like and ignorant fool doesn't mean you should reply with the same. Try to keep a level head despite things that may be going wrong.
From the beginning....
When I was a child, I didn't get to grow up slowly like most children. It was take care of yourself or don't survive at all. My neighborhood was rough (there were drugs and lots of violence), I had no real friends, and my family life was terrible overall. School was always something I looked forward to though, my place of solace. My temple. This was simply because I could distract myself with learning things I didn't know, I could read until my eyes hurt and I could be somewhat alone, not bothered by terrible things going on my life.
We were poor, there was mental/physical abuse, and we were always to blame.... My parents both worked very long days, but despite that we could still never afford things needed to survive and because of this there was much tension always near, waiting to surface. Looming over our household. My father had two boys from a previous marriage and my mother had given away all of her other children and kept me for reasons unknown. She was constantly confirming the false feelings she had towards any of us. She was a showman in front of company and other adults, it was always something I cringed when I saw. How easily people could be fooled by the front put on. I don't honestly believe she wanted to be a mother. Not only because of the fact that she had given away a few children that she had birthed from other people, but because of the horrible things she said/did to myself and my two half-brothers. My father was a trucker for the majority of my our lives so he wasn't around much (he hauled all over the U.S long-term). There isn't much to say about him, just that he believed every lie my mother told him and still does to this day. Which, naturally, bothered me, but I didn't blame him for that.
I remember many days of hiding in the yard, hiding in the woods or attempting to talk my teachers into letting me stay after school because I just didn't want to go home. I got asked a lot by my teachers in elementary school why I always tried to stay at school, but I never gave them a direct answer. They knew though, they knew everything. I had very kind teachers though, they never brought it up during parent/teacher days at my school. Many days my teachers would buy me a lunch because they saw I wasn't eating (again) or they'd bring an extra sandwich in their lunch for me. I was always grateful of their acts of kindness and it's something I remember fondly. Instead of recalling the bad things during that time.
I can't say that I harbor too much anger over everything that was done, because it wouldn't do much good. Instead I always made an attempt to put that energy into bettering myself and educating myself. Anything that I could get my hands on to do arts and crafts I have attempted to do over the years. I never wanted to go the path that my parents did when they were younger and that my brothers eventually went down. It's not a pretty road and it doesn't do anything productive. Doing drugs or drinking excessively isn't going to change what happened to you. It's just going to highlight the terrible. I didn't want to be a statistic and I swore to myself that I never would be.
Instead of following a negative path I choose to be above where I came from and not give a hint to where I've come from unless absolutely necessary...
When faced with adversity and stress think of ways to flip the situation. Don't let someone else tell you who you have to be just because of where or what you came from. I keep my experiences more subtle for now with having to go into great details...for now. As this is just the beginning. I want you to understand where I'm coming from, understand that I'm here for you and I welcome you to share your stories with me. Judgement free.
I believe in equality for all, happiness for all, and identifying as what you feel comfortable as. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, don't focus on trying to change their feelings, just accept that they're different and distance yourself from their negativity. Don't let anyone take away your inspiration, your sparkle. At the end of the day, you have to love you before anyone can love you like you deserve. We all definitely deserve to be loved.
I thank you all very much for reading my article and I hope that you wish to continue reading everything that I post. I appreciate you, more than you will ever know. This story will be continued as mine is still being written every single day.
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© 2018 Jessica