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What Do Thieves Talk About?

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

There are many ways to rob, steal, and even make a career out of thieving. But the most-successful of these law breakers are retired and living in an obscure abode in Sweden. If I had been brought up to steal things and unload them to a "fence" I would live as obscurely as possible No one appreciates a person who sparkles everywhere he goes. That's what I've read. And while you are picking up obscure homes in the Alps, another axiom of thieving is the best thief is one you just met. Think on this.

 Masked man threatens a private citizen. This photo has to be a classic.

Masked man threatens a private citizen. This photo has to be a classic.

And While You're

thinking about how living on the run, changing your name and appearance, and knowing in your heart that although you are very wealthy, "that" day is looming. "That" day when the next knock on your door just might be two guys from Scotland Yard, the F.B.I. and local authorities.

I am not in any way, endorsing, promoting, or actually helping you to be a successful thief. I do not have the nerve, guts, or intelligence to steal from someone. I know the number one excuse: oh, no matter what I've stolen, the insurance company will pay for it. You are stupid enough to think that stealing is a win, win situation. I have one word for you: don't.

I also know of yet another thing that's been thrown around: everyone's stealing. Why can't I? Well, most of that "everyone" will get away with the crime for a while, but most thieves will tell you that if they continue their law-breaking life, sooner or later, they make a mistake. And then it's too late. No matter of plea bargain will help them now. My main concern is that "these" thieves were successful. The family who the thief robbed was gone out of town and the homeowner's insurance policy paid them for what the thief took, so why didn't they hide what they stole or fence it and put the money into an IRA? Greed. Attempted to steal again, but there is another old saying: you went too many times to the well for a drink. No explanation needed.

Until these words, I counted 335 words in this commentary and did not bring up the "real" topic of this commentary. I am going to tell you. I would like to ask you something and I want a straight answer: what do thieves talk about? Have you ever put any thought to that question? I mean, thieves, no matter how amateur, slick, or plain down sloppy, talk to each other. Don't they? That's what I am trying to figure out.

Let's use one example. Me, will that work? Okay. I manage, with enough planning and good, sound thinking, get away with $2.5,000,000,000.00 worth of vintage jewelry and paintings. Then I go my "middle man" and let him look it over and he hands me the cash that he thinks my jewelry and paintings are worth and I shake hands with him and we part ways.

I hide (along with the money) and stay out of the public eye for a long time. Then slowly and surely, I get to going to my local Walmart to go shopping. Oh, before I tell you, the jewelry and paintings are all from France. You look surprised, but don't. It's my fantasy, so let me go.

In about three years, I do some negotiating with a banker friend of mine and we settle on a rate and amount of IRAs that will help me when I retire. But I do not take the entire amount of the theft to the bank. Just enough that I can say, "I had this cash at the house," and I did. But only enough for two IRAs. The rest is hidden so good that even I would find it tough to find it.

Now, with the bank selling me two IRAs and the other $2.25, 000,000,000.00 (in unmarked bills) are hidden away safely . . .what else do I do? I know that I cannot keep going to the secret place and lay around in my money--you see, my wife doesn't know about my Life After Dark (my flying to France and all of that stuff) and my "fence" and money all hidden away safely . . .so I just live my life?

That's correct. I just live my life. Relax myself, mind included, and things will be fine. Smile a friendly smile at each stranger I meet. Be friendly. And when it comes to talking, I should be on the ready for people who ask me for an opinion. Those places can be sticky. I mean. I am having coffee in a shopping mall all by myself--not bothering anyone, not even the dangerous gang members who are grouping in a big circle yakking and yapping profanities. I remain steady and way below the radar. I start to thinking that if I can be steady with a gang beginning to rumble, then "that" event that only I know about will not be a problem.

Then my wife's relatives drop in--a sister and a brother-in-law, an uncle and an aunt, please tell me what do I talk about with her sister, brother-in-law uncle and aunt? I am not that versed in small talk. And what if my wife's younger sister and brother-in-law drop in and he is a freak about watching CNN, and is bound to ask if I seen the "breaking news" about $2.5 million worth of jewels and paintings being stolen and no clues are found. Not even Scotland Yard. I'm telling you. He is a News Freak.

My brother-in-law loves to talk. And he loves those Conspiracy Theories--the talk and documentaries about JFK's assassination. He could talk two weeks on that one event. So if the brings up "someone" the detectives uncovered on the jewelry store's security camera and the ones from a certain museum where "someone" stole a few master paintings--and my brother-in-law remarks that my backside looks a whole lot like me.

What on earth am I going to go when that happens?

To take the wind out of his sails, I will tell him, sure. I did it. I flew on Delta Airlines a few nights ago when I told Pam I was going to eat with a buddy of mine who just happened to have the tools hat a cat burglar used and when my buddy and I got to France, (we had a great plan), we lifted enough jewelry and paintings to set us up for life. No work work for us.

Then to show us all how smart he is, he will reply, you don't work now!

Then I will say, see what I mean?

Regular thieving.

Regular thieving.

© 2018 Kenneth Avery

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