Surviving Recurrent Miscarriages
In the medical world, recurrent miscarriages are three consecutive losses. They are so common that you are made to feel like you have a "medical condition" and that you didn't just lose your child in the womb. Trying to navigate through the grief and confusion can be daunting. Especially, when sometimes you are made to feel bad for grieving your lost pregnancy.
It has been proven that a mother that loses her child through miscarriage, grieves that same and has much as she would during any point during her pregnancy. Which means, even if you had an early loss, it is just as devastating if it were a late loss.
I have had three losses in a row, with no support from anyone but my husband. My doctor's only words were, better luck next time and it isn't anything you did.
I was not expecting the roller coaster of emotions that I went through and my doctor never told me that I could be experiencing postpartum depression that was later diagnosed.
The very first reaction I had was disbelief. I could not comprehend what was happening the first time I lost my baby. I had two healthy children prior to this and never thought something like this would happen. I think it made it worse because I saw and heard the heartbeat only two days beforehand.
After my initial reaction, there was only grief. I did a lot of crying, and a lot of wondering what went wrong. The support of my husband got me through the whole thing and eventually, I started moving on.
When my second loss happened, I wasn't sure how to feel. Of course, I was devastated, as we had planned these pregnancies. I became desperate. In preparing for trying for a third time, I stopped drinking caffeine, eating healthier, exercising, and just doing everything "right". I was doing everything that I was suppose to.
When I did become pregnant that third time, I could not even be happy about it. Instead I experienced high anxiety, fear, and I prayed and prayed several times to god, to just let me keep my child this time.
Imagine how I felt when I lost my child again. I now became not only confused and distraught, but now I was angry. I was angry at myself because I could no longer trust my body. I was angry at God, because I felt like I was being punished for something. I just became an angry person in general. I was desperate for answers at this point and booked an appointment with the fertility specialist.
I think in reality, this only made it worse. After numerous blood tests, ultrasounds, and questions, they could not find anything wrong with me. I had no answers and everyone chalked it up to bad luck.
It had been almost a year since my third loss and I have come to terms with it for the most part. I keep myself healthy in every way I can.
While we want another child, I realize that I am not ready to try again right now. I just wish I had more support when going through this and everyone didn't just treat it as a normal thing, even if in reality it was.
The only way I survived through any of this was giving myself time to grieve and validate my feelings.
I think that the most important thing to remember is that:
it isn't your fault and your feelings are valid. Grieving is a natural process and no one should be made to feel bad about it.