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What Happened When I Accidentally Fell Onto My Kitchen Floor

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

This is NOT me. But how I wish that I looked this good.

This is NOT me. But how I wish that I looked this good.

May I Take Time to

introduce myself. I am Kenneth Avery. According to my birth record, that is my real name. Of course a few friends and family call me Kenny, and I’m guessing due to them (the family members) being so lazy that pronouncing my entire name tuckers them out or they just don’t care. Either way, I find myself on the floor of our kitchen floor—all alone with my wife, Pam, (Pamela on her birth record), being out of town visiting her friendly family members.

Me stuck here in the floor is actually very scary and very funny. I was trying to reach a pack of healthy crackers, those with no salt, no taste, and nothing to brag about, and before I knew it, I was in the middle of the floor. The best part of (that) prat-fall was those awful excuses for food avoided my fall and none of the crackers were crunched. Why? Can you tell me why? Stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Me falling on these crackers (that could pass for Styrofoam) and grinding them into dust was not as serious as me and a few others plotting the fate of the Free World. It was just a quiet, isolated, harmless accident. You Quantum Mechanics can debate why in any other time those crackers would be dust!

I should crawl into our living room, but I have already discovered that there is a serious pain that throbs with each heartbeat and the pain has taken over my right leg—which I am not doctor, but I feel that it’s not broken. And if it were, I would be dialing 9-1-1, but our phone is on the charger out of my reach.

I am in trouble. Serious trouble. (e.g. Jim Lampley, HBO Sports, calling the Buster Douglas vs Mike Tyson boxing match). Speaking of Lampley, I wish he were here right now so I could get him to help me to get to my living room so I could crawl into my recliner and the TV remote: Modern Man’s Two Most-Pliable Tools. Did I mention how naturally-good looking Lampley is?

So What Should

I do now? I am not going to over-state the comedy of error because I am not at the moment of sheer starvation because I have yet to use the strength that I have reserved in my girth so with one giant leap, I could open my refrigerator door and latch onto whatever food item, (real food item, not those stupid health crackers), and tear it to pieces like the primal part of me that has been cleverly-hidden by American Society by using several “tools” such as: Tolerance; Tenderness; Self-Abasement; Self-Sacrifice; and almost never thinking of myself at all. This is what has happened to this accidental-prone, 64-year-old whom needs you, anyone, to jump into your car and floor it!

Since I cannot reach my phone, just get to Hamilton, Alabama, that is in northwest Alabama, and ask any police officer whom know me, but because I am arrested everyday or week, but when I worked for our local newspaper, I did give our “Boys in Blue” a lot of positive PR. Those favors are still in effect, if that helps you any.

The facts: none of my limbs are broken. Thank God for that news. And that is good news, but doggone it, there is a down side: do you remember the late Chris Farley? Now do you remember his fun-loving size? If Farley were still with us (which would be great) and he would stand beside me, we would look exactly like two great big, husky guys who had never darkened any door of any gym. Not even a sauna.

So I am somewhat a prisoner of my own girth because I simply cannot jump up to my feet with the speed of a cat such as Mary Lou Retton, so I just sit here looking sad and lonesome as a forsaken dog that was left out in the middle of Winter. Some humans, I tell you, are some of the most self-centered, self-focused souls on the planet, take it from me!

Maybe, Just Maybe a Few

well-chosen phrases might keep the panic attacks from turning me to a big man who is sitting in his kitchen floor and now he is beginning to feel as stupid as he might look if his family or friends were to come by, knock on his front door and find him sitting there with mouth agape, eyes wide-open and his hands waving like a brakeman on a freight train signaling for the train to stop.

Do you like rap music? Kinda a contradiction in terms, huh? I was exposed, well, accidentally-exposed to rap music by my only daughter, Angela, in 1986, when she was 10. I have to say that of all the rap performers in that time, my quick favorite was Kool Moe Dee—with his hard-yet-perfect rhymes that kept us on the floor as well as on the ropes. I liked most of his music. I sure wish ol’ KMD would drag himself by my house and barge in with no announcement. I would. I would even give him a bear hug.

Okay. Since I do not feel like writing a narrative section of my accidental spill into my kitchen, I shall try to write a few sharp phrases in which Kool Moe Dee would be able to rap with some very bouncy, bouncy music that can only be born in Detroit.

“Ahh, yeah . . .I stand by myself, like a Christmas elf . . .I look good

I am good . . .standing apart, breaking their hearts, . . .my pants are sharp . . .

My shirts are tight . . .the gals climb on me . . .I’m not a tree . . .I’m the

King of me!”

(More heavy drumming here with a heavy foundation of saxaphone).

“Ahhh, yeah . . .I crawl like a snake . . .I feel like a bake . . .I sound good

. . .I am wood . . .legs apart, sweet as a tart . . .I am sharp . . .I am the tune

. . .I hate balloons . . .dog, be careful at who ye’bite . . .I am a bear . . .

You can’t growl like me . . .I am the King of me . . .Open ye’ drunken eyes

and look at me . . .look at me . . .drivin’ my Z . . .don’t ye’ see . . .?”

(Song ends as drum and saxaphone fades out).

You young people here and about HubPages like music like that? Do you think that I sounded cool? Oh, well, if you didn’t, that’s cool. We all can’t be play-UH’s.




Since I’ve Laid Here

I have managed to move at least three feet straight toward my living room. My right hip aches as well as my right foot. Maybe in that blur of the moment when I was foolish enough to reach for those awful crackers, I might have sprained my hip and foot. Now I may have a bigger, more-serious problem: strained body parts. Not the name of any baby food. I have a strained right foot and hip—and my wife is still not home. Even if I had our home home in my hand, it would be useless because she never travels with a wireless phone and now with me home, she wouldn’t have a need for a wireless.

What about me? Yeah, what about me? Ever think, Pam, that I could be as short-sighted as to try and grasp a package of generic crackers that not even the hungriest of fish would want to eat if they seen them sitting on a man’s hook. I’m telling you that if the C.I.A. knew about Lifeless Crackers, they might rule the world. The C.I.A., not those awful crackers.

Hey! I can almost reach the back of my recliner. There is hope after all. It’s mid-afternoon. There is a classic movie about to start. I heard that on one of my TV channels last night. But I am still here on my big butt and my right foot and hip are aching as if I am in need of medical attention.

Just wait ‘til my wife, Pam gets home.

© 2018 Kenneth Avery

Comments

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 28, 2018:

Mr. Happy -- (seriously put), you are not only a vibrant writer, but a caring person. Both traits are very rare in the world in which we live and exist on HubPages.

If there is anything that I can ever do to help your life, let me know.

Time for a nap.

Peace.

Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on August 28, 2018:

I forgot to mention Epsom Salt, or Magnesium Sulfate (which is what epsom salt has and You can use). This does have a more significant cost than the herbs I use but it is really, really good. You put a cup into your bathtub and sit there for a while. It's awesome for back pains, leg pains (which I know quite a bit about, haha), muscle pains, relaxes the nervous system, etc. I use it once in a while. Probably not enough.

This is what gymnasts use. After doing pirouettes, while holding someone else above their heads and such things, the pains are significant. Epsom salt is a thing they use daily to deal with their aching bones and muscles.

I've been such a slacker today LOL I was supposed to be out the door like an hour and a half ago but no, I'm still here. Haha!

I think I should go. Until again, be well.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 28, 2018:

Suhail Zubaid aka Clark Kent and T -- I appreciate you two as well the other hubbers who commented on this and other hubs.

I am blessed.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 28, 2018:

Mr. Happy -- and you, my good friend, stay sane and when you watch TV, make sure it doen't move.

(Wait for it!)

LOLOL!

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 28, 2018:

Mr. Happy -- Wow! Thank you. And since I am on a fixed-income, you have saved me thousands on doctor's bills, which, unless you already know, are really a LOT.

I am your friend forever.

Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on August 28, 2018:

Me again lol

I just thought I'd mention a few things to help with bruizing. Here let me add that I have not had any medical treatments in the last sixteen years. I heal everything myself (including that shin fracture that I wrote about earlier). I use natural things to help with healing.

So, to help with bruising, You can crush up some parsley leaves, put them on the bruised part and then wrap-up with a cloth. You can also use St. John’s wort oil, if You can get some. Rub on bruised parts and leave it on. You can do bath infusions too. I use Cedar and put a concentrated extract (a couple of litres) in the bathtub filled with water and sit there for like twenty minutes. It always helps take away all my scratches and bruises I sometimes accumulate in the Forest.

If You have inflamation and pain eat Pineapples, they'll help with those. Why do You call them pineapples? English is such a weird language. Who made-up that word? Pineapples have nothing to do with pines, or apples. I am more inclined to call them ananas (the Romanina word for pineapple - see, now You get to learn Romanian lol). Anyway, I got getting carried away.

I never got running so now, I really gotta run. All the very best!

Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on August 28, 2018:

That Sun-Herald commercial is hilarious. It's totally something that I would do. Hey, at least I got a fire-estinguisher for the kitchen now. I actually got a small one for the car too. You never know with me lol

Alrighty, I gotta run. Everyone be well! : )

The Logician from now on on August 28, 2018:

Well Mr. Happy you and I might have more in common than I would have imagined. Like your episode with disaster, this could have been me when I was single:

https://youtu.be/xqR6k2Sp2Nc

Suhail Zubaid aka Clark Kent from Mississauga, ON on August 28, 2018:

Hi Ken,

I have been there reading hubs, but don't leave comments. After my last fall at a lonely hour at a rocky falls area, I have been much more careful.

But for hikers, taking a fall per winter season isn't uncommon ha-ha.

Regards,

Suhail

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 27, 2018:

Hello, John -- sue? Hmmmm. What a simply marvelous idea. Thanks and the makers of those "cookies" should be sued due to them not having any flavor whatsoever.

Thing is, they are all gone. Thank God and if my wife EVER buys them again, I might resort to being sneaky and just "drop" them into a deep garbage can. Shhhhhhhhhh!

Thank you, John for your visit and come back anytime.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 27, 2018:

Carolyn -- I was amazed at so many of my sweet followers who have met with accidents and lived to tell about it.

I am Very Happy that You and all on here were here to share your accidents and tell them with such honesty.

Do not neglect your safety no matter what you are doing.

Write soon.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 27, 2018:

Hey, Suhail and my dog -- I appreciate your comment. I haven't heard from you in some time. Are you doing okay? I noticed the part of your comment about hiking with your dog and taking some awful falls. You must love your dog so much as to face danger as you hike and enjoy your life. But please be careful and I mean both of you.

Come back anytime.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 27, 2018:

T -- to you, my friend (also), I am very sorry not just for not closing my hub down in an appropriate manner, but your episode that has me worried about your overall health.

Seizures are nothing to take lightly. I suffered those a few years ago and I had to see a neurologist and with tour months of therapy and the right medications, they ceased, thank God.

But I was sad as I read your comment and what I got out of your comment was you were in danger and did not know it.

Thank God that He took care of you.

Write me anytime.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 27, 2018:

Liz -- (sincerely) I apologize to you, and all of my followers, who I overlooked an ending point of this piece.

Okay. With patience and a little singing (to myself and you would know that if you ever heard me sing) I made it to my recliner and toughed it out when my wife, Pam returned from her trip and we had a good laugh. But I got to thinking that the laugh was AT me, not with me.

Life goes on, Liz. Stay in touch with me. Thanks.

Kenneth Avery (author) from Hamilton, Alabama on August 27, 2018:

Hello, Mr. Happy -- as usual, your commnt(s) are always happy, uplifting, truthful and they move me. I thank you for this and all of your comments.

How am I? Tired. My legs hurt along with my ankles and lower back. But at least I am on Upper Ground.

No humor intended.

Write me often and help me to keep my sanity.

Mr. Happy from Toronto, Canada on August 25, 2018:

"And if it were, I would be dialing 9-1-1, but our phone is on the charger out of my reach." - This reminded me of the time I had a fractured left leg and I light the kitchen on fire. While watching the stove and cabinets on top of the stove on fire, I thought: "Fire extinguisher! Fire extinguisher! ... Ohh, I don't have one. Cellphone!! Where's the cellphone?!"

The cellphone was in a room upstairs and forgetting about the fractured leg, I sprinted up the stairs, banging my good foot/leg into the stairs. That day, I ended-up with my right fractured leg, my left foot with a few purple toes (from banging them into the stairs while trying to get the cellphone) and a burned kitchen.

"You young people here and about HubPages like music like that? Do you think that I sounded cool?" - Yes to the first question and no to the second. Haha!! Sorry Amigo. It is what it is. Haha!!

Okay, now on a more serious note, how You doin' now? Or, how You feelin', I should say?

That sounded like a serious adventure You had there. All over a box of crackers too. Geez. At least I know I'm not the only one that can pull-off an adventure from a simple walk to the kitchen. I can join your team now. I'm qualified lol

Well, You can call on me anytime. Just keep in mind that it's roughly a seven hour flight from Toronto to Birmingham and from there ... lol

Alrighty, I do wish You are doing better now and I don't know but I'm inclined to leave some offerings for your well being. You seem to be going through a patch of sorts.

Off I go with the Wind! Be well.

May Wakan Tanka guide your path.

Liz Westwood from UK on August 23, 2018:

This is a very well-narrated piece. It leaves me wondering though how it all ended up. Hope you were ok in the end.

The Logician from now on on August 22, 2018:

Ken, your stream of consciousness writing here is quite a literary style. I had to keep reading to see how this would end, I mean IF this would end lol.

May I share what happened to me a few years ago? This may be long so just delete it if you want. I was putting some room dividers into the basement one morning before having breakfast and they were pretty heavy so as soon as I got them all in the house I went upstairs to rest. I sat in my recliner watching TV and dozed off, or so I thought. When I awoke I slowly came to my senses and realized I had bruises on the top of my head, had peed my pants a little, and my leg was cut and bleeding around my knee. I sat there trying to figure out what happened but was at a loss. I decided that I must have had an episode like a seizure and went to the hospital ER. Well they could find nothing wrong with me aside from the scraps but referred me to a neurologist who ordered some tests. When I got home I went into the kitchen to get something to eat and as I was getting a cup of coffee I noticed two drawers in the counter under the coffe machine next to the stove were open and one was bent down off its rails. I also noticed that right in line with the scratches on my leg was some sharp metal edges on the oven door. After some more examination I surmised that I must have gotten up from my recliner and went into the kitchen to get coffee and food since I hadn’t eaten and had a seizure, falling to the floor grabbing the drawer handles and scraping my leg on the oven door and probably convulsed on the floor banging my head against the oven. Then when the seizure was over I got up and still unconscious because I have no memory of any of this, went back to my chair where I passed out. When I then came to all I remembered was sitting down before the episode and then waking up in the chair.

The tests showed there was no reason for a seizure and since I had no record of having seizures or anything like that the neurologist said it is not uncommon for people to have one seizure in their lifetime and never again and they don’t know why. He said I was fine and everyone is entitled to one seizure!

Well the real downside was since I had a seizure a license applicant or licensee must be seizure-free for 90 days in order to obtain or maintain driving privileges.

Actually I think what happened had something to do with low blood sugar after exertion without a breakfast and maybe a medication I was on but I guess we will never know. Of course there is the other explanation.

I read in a time life book that if you have an extra vertebrae in you spinal column it is evidence you are the result of experimentation during an alien abduction. What is really odd is I read that while in the waiting room to see my chiropractor for my X-Ray results. Yep, you guessed it, he showed me on the X-Ray where I had an extra vertebrae. That was so weird having just reAd what I read in the waiting room!

So perhaps the aliens abducted me to see how I was doing. That would explain the loss of time now wouldn’t it. Let me tell you it still haunts me how all this could occur to me and I have absolutely no recollection of it!

Suhail Zubaid aka Clark Kent from Mississauga, ON on August 22, 2018:

Very graphically define, Ken!

I came over after a long time to read your articles. This is a good one as I can relate. I have taken some nasty falls while hiking with my dog. I can relate to the feeling how helpless and silly one feels when he/she is flat on the ground.

I hope everything went well though, afterward.

Take care, always.

Regards,

Suhail and my dog

Carolyn Fields from South Dakota, USA on August 22, 2018:

I was out walking my dog, and she pulled forward suddenly causing me to literally fall on my face. My first reaction was to see if my eyeglasses were okay. Then was the realization that I would need to get vertical again, all alone in a field, without the aid of a chair or recliner to steady myself. I managed by getting to my knees, making a "bridge" with my right leg, and using it to push myself back up to standing position. I was so proud of myself to be able to stand up. Wow . . . what was an achievement as a one-year old is now an achievement of a middle-aged gal. I see that I'm in good company. Thanks for sharing. Hope you are okay, and the strain fades quickly.

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on August 21, 2018:

Wow, Kenneth, did that really happen? If so, at least you were fortunate to have your laptop, tablet, or phone with you to record the incident...or maybe a notepad and you transferred it later. You should be able to sue the makers of the crackers...lol.