Ways How You Can Act in a Cafe and Instantly Become Uncivilized

Updated on September 3, 2018
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.

I want to sit back and think about what I want to say about “this” hub and that way, you will all know that I did give it my all before publication. Didn’t that sound civilized and polished? It was so much of both that I was even impressed with myself and this rarely-happens. I confess. There are many times when I find myself dreaming of writing original stuff but written as flamboyant and classy as Ernest “Papa Bear” Hemingway and as mind-tingling as J.D. Salinger.

I want to sit back and think about what I want to say about “this” hub and that way, you will all know that I did give it my all before publication. Didn’t that sound civilized and polished? It was so much of both that I was even impressed with myself and this rarely-happens. I confess. There are many times when I find myself dreaming of writing original stuff but written as flamboyant and classy as Ernest “Papa Bear” Hemingway and as mind-tingling as J.D. Salinger.

Look upset and hold a banana and say, "give me some more sauce and nobody gets hurt."
Look upset and hold a banana and say, "give me some more sauce and nobody gets hurt." | Source
You stand up while holding a banana and say, "I want more sauce and nobody gets hurt." Nice gag, huh?
You stand up while holding a banana and say, "I want more sauce and nobody gets hurt." Nice gag, huh? | Source

I Think That

I am somewhat civilized, but not polished. I can live with 50% of those two words and be happy. And since I am playing the part of someone who is civilized, I should point out that when my wife and I are going out for the evening and then visit our favorite eatery, us civilized persons have to live up to a certain code of behavior that has no room for foolishness, loud guffaw’s and childish games.

And since I have drove home the point about being civilized, how would you like for me to share with you, Ways How You Can Act in a Cafe and Instantly Become Uncivilized. Read on, friends. I just happen to know what I am talking about.

Note: these things will only work if you are planning to dine with friends who have known you for a long time. All that you have to do is act well enough and soon, your friends will commence to hit the exits and peel away in their cars. I promise. Kenneth.

10.) Before you walk to where your friends are waiting on you at their reserved table, you slap on a mask such as the one worn by The Lone Ranger or even better, the one worn in the TV hit, The Green Hornet. Do NOT crack a smile. Sit down and act as if things are okay. I promise that within two minutes, one friend will ask, is this a joke? Or what is this? Then you get to do Act II and act so angry that you stand up and bellow: “I am the Caped Glutton! Children and women stay away from here.”

9.) You and a couple of friends are chatting while waiting for your food. Then you spot those tasty bread sticks. Take one and do the sound of a buzz saw as you run the stick through your teeth. Do it until all of the bread sticks are gone. Then wipe your mouth politely and leave.

8.) Be sitting at your table with a very conservative couple. If you spy a youngster about 10 years old sitting at a nearby table, then say (in a very loud voice): “Hey, punk! I dare you to try and hit my chin with that roll in your plate! Come on! I bet you fifty bucks that you cannot do it.” The waiter will probably quit on the spot.

7.) If you are dining with people who like to laugh, but you have never seen you do this prank, do it: If you are having a roll, act as if it is too hard to eat. Then get the female across your table and say, “here. Take these rolls and stick them underneath your arms so they can warm up and I can eat them—why they are so hard is beyond me. Thank you, sweetheart.”

6.) You start off the evening very polite and happy. But mid-way of the evening when the guy, your college buddy, is telling one of his favorite college stories, place your chin in your two hands and glare at him as if you despise him. Do not smile. Just look through him. Soon, his stories will turn to, “are you okay, Tom?” Or “Hey, I apologize if I offended you with my story.”

5.) If you are dining with a man and his wife, but your wife is at home, give this prank time enough for your food to arrive and then eat a little, then move your plate, drink and all, over to the couple and sit between them and eat and look at the woman, and then the husband. Do not reveal that this is a prank because the husband will ask: “is something wrong?” You are shocked. Then reply, “Oh, no, Bob. Why do you ask? Oh, you mean why am I sitting between you and Helen? Well, Jennie and I do this at home when her parents visit. We love it.”

4.) For the not-so-prankish-at-heart, create from your dinner rolls, a good sized triangle and use it for some table-top football. Get your buddy across the table to stick his two fingers up to look like a goalpost and please do NOT let the prank go. Act as if it is fine to do this.

3.) This prank is a little more controversial. If you have enough cash, get your waiter to rent his suit coat and pad, but you must do this—when he is going after more food and you have stated that you must be excused to go to the men’s room. The waiter will love to make some extra scratch for five minutes prank fun when you walk up wearing his wardrobe asking your guests, can I get you something?

2.) Now for some good, old-fashioned public theatrics. The waiter brings you and your guests the food and you and your friends are having a great time. Then all you have to do is pick up a piece of food and in a very angry, loud voice, say something like: “Do you expect me to eat this stuff?” “I mean. Where do they get this stuff?” Now when the waiter comes and asks if he can make you something new, take him away from your friends, slip him an additional $20- bucks and tell him that you were pulling a prank like this to get your buddy back from one he did in college.

1.) This prank is very daring. I do not think anyone will get hurt, but keep in mind that you could suffer some embarrassment. At just the right time, pick up some spaghetti sauce and rub it through your hair and yell, “I love this stuff!” And take the spaghetti and fill your jaws with this stuff—your guests’ eyes will grow wider and then tell you they need to go home and pay their babysitter.

Speaking of babysitting, one of these days I will share Ways on How to Never Get Hired for Babysitting Jobs.

September 4, 2018_______________________________________


You stand and use a light bulb that you have in your pocket and say, "I have a Bright Idea! Who all's out of town?"
You stand and use a light bulb that you have in your pocket and say, "I have a Bright Idea! Who all's out of town?" | Source

But, Friends

you know and I know that the likes of these literary geniuses will never walk the earth again. Right now, even as I feel myself growing older, I can only dream about meeting the two and asking if they would teach me the inside secrets on what topics sell the most to a public with lots of money and how to market my materials. Sure, I would spring for our lunch if we had lunch. I am far from being a bum.

Did you notice, in the first paragraph, second line where I used the words, “civilized” and “polished?” The noun, “civilized” and adjective, “polished,” adds something to that particular thought, don’t you agree? And right now, I think that this journey is going rather swimmingly.

But you and I can use those words in our daily lives and if we are bold enough we can act in a way so those around us will think us to be civilized and polished and if this were to happen, I would be very happy.

© 2018 Kenneth Avery

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    • profile image

      Ken Avery 

      21 months ago

      Mercedus -- reading? Oh, how blessed you are, my good friend. i say, cultivate and nourish these young adults and the sky's the limit to their potential.

      Remember, you heard it here first.

    • profile image

      Ken Avery 

      21 months ago

      Doris -- only you could take a life-based event and make it into a novel. I do mean that too.

      Come back again.

    • Azalea24 profile image

      Mercedus Long 

      2 years ago from Maryland

      My children love (read:dislike very much) for me to run onto elevators and tell those currently on the elevator that I am so glad they could make it today.

      You have a couple of gems here...I wonder what my children will think?

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James MizBejabbers 

      2 years ago from Beautiful South

      Or you can take your 13-year-old and her cousin of the same age out for a family outing to a Mexican restaurant. When one of them leapfrogs over the other and nearly kicks a diner in the face, and the person yells "stop that, you nearly kicked me", you can bawl out the person for discipling your children. Then when she says she was nearly injured, your wife can say, "this is a public place, if you don't like it, then don't eat out." That will start a row. The person will tell you that your children haven't been taught manners, and the husband will tell you that you are very rude. Never at any time admitting that the girls were acting like two hoodlums. By that time all the people in the restaurant, including management are frowning at you, and all you want to do is pay your bill and leave. As you leave, people are still frowning at you, never judging the actions of the two rowdy girls or their rude parents.

      This really happened to my friend. She never darkened the door of that restaurant again. By the way it is now out of business. Can you imagine why?

    • Eurofile profile image

      Liz Westwood 

      2 years ago from UK

      We had a meal with friends yesterday. Their kids (10 and 8 years old) provided great entertainment. I wouldn't like to speculate on how things would go if the kids got hold of your list. They would have a ball.

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