To The Father That Abandoned Me.
You were the first "heartbreak" that I ever had to experience in life. A heartbreak so immense, that it would impact other relationships for me in the future. For the longest time, all I could do was blame myself, and everyone else around me for the emotional pain that you put me through. Was I not good enough? Was everything my fault? What did I do wrong? Those were the kinds of questions that haunted me for years. Because of you, I had the hardest time trusting any man that walked into my life. The constant fear & anxiety of people entering my life just to leave..exactly what you did to me. You choosing to leave my life, affected me in ways that you would never be able to understand.
You have never deserved the title as my "father" because let's face it, your own father was the only father-figure that I had growing up because you were irresponsible, and chose the life of drugs, and the failed relationship between you & my mother, over me. Your own blood. Your first-born baby, your only Daughter..how wouldn't that affect you? You always seemed to blame my Mother, when she never talked badly about you to anyone else. You also blamed my Grandmother, the woman who raised me, and molded me into the woman that I am today. You are nothing, but a selfish coward.
When I was in Elementary School, I remember seeing my friends attend "Father-Daughter Dances" with their dad's. I remember being alone, sitting in my bedroom crying. I remember wishing that I had a father to go with because Grandpa had to work late night's, and you were never in the picture. I'll tell you, one of the hardest feelings that I ever had to endure growing up, was the feeling of seeing other girl's with their father's. Worse than that? When you grow up, and your own father isn't in the stands during your High School Graduation.
Although there was a lot of emotional pain in my life because of you, you made me a stronger person. You prepared me for some of the hardest lessons of life. You taught me that people will enter your life, but not everyone will stay (including family). You taught me that not everyone will keep their word. You taught me not to trust everyone in life. Because of you, I am stronger today than I have been in my entire life.
If it wasn't for you leaving, I would have never had the chance to show my love to my Grandmother & Grandfather. The two people that deserved the title's of being my "Mother" & "Father". The two people that gave me a better life. The two people that hugged me when I cried, loved me through all of my flaws, who were there for me through all of my heartbreaks, and so much more. If it wasn't for you leaving, I would've never gained the lessons & the knowledge of parenting that I have over the years. Valuable lessons that taught me the kind of parent that I want to be, vs the parent that I shouldn't be when I have children of my own. One day, I will show my children the unconditional love, and nurturing that I always wanted growing up, the kind you never gave me.
© 2018 Ashley Riley