Time for Lemonade Etiquette
Time For The All-American
drink: lemonade. Not beer. Sorry to all guzzlers of suds who voted that beer always defeats lemonade in both the Favorite Drink Category and Americana Drinks. Oh, it was a close, neck-and-neck, photo-finish, but lemonade won by a squeeze. It's been a long month. A very long month.
Today is May 14. But I have to share this sad news with you: The First Sunday in May is always National Lemonade Day. And look at me writing about America's Drink here nine days past the national day of observance. Did I say that it's been a long month? You have to clue, my friends.
I Confess Openly
that I have written more than a few hubs where I talk about my love of coffee in a certain context, but coming clean, I have a great love for our pal, Lemonade. (See? I even capitalized its name. I don't do that for coffee). But in the days when my health allowed me the pleasure of mowing my grass, nothing suited me better than so sit back in the shade and down a few frosty glasses of Homemade (or store-bought) Lemonade. Man, oh, man what a delicious drink!
And to come clean again (I didn't know that I was this dirty) I have, on occasion, downed a few cups of hot, black coffee in my Grass-Cutting Days, but those days are eclipsed by my love of Lemonade right out of the glass. Yes, sir. Give me a Lemonade anytime of the day or night. Actually, there is no Bad time to enjoy a Lemonade. And if there any of who work for a huge, successful PR agency who could promote Lemonade on the world-wide scale, "I" will now offer my services as copywriter for HALF the going rate for anyone who you might hire. Think before you make a hasty mistake a hire a wet-behind-the-ears copywriter who thinks Lemonade is a new tool to fix a car that is broken down.
I hate to be a bully, but I know lemons and lemonade backwards and frontwards. I could eat lemons and ask for more. I have been tempted to go on an All-Lemon Diet by simply eating lemons at meal time and wash them down with (wait for it!) a gallon of cold, homemade lemonade. You know that I could easily drop 20 + pounds if I chose to use this diet--but my physicians are all saying for me to stay away from "that" diet due to how it may affect my hear
So Lovers of Lemonade
listen up! I know and you know that we all love lemonade, but there comes a piece of information that you might get hurt (your feelings) if you do not read too much of your ego in the following paragraphs, but I'm not scared. You all have thick skins and able to take it. I am including these descriptions about myself and doing my best to not let my feeling be hurt, so here is the information that simply says . . .The Right and Wrong Way to Drink Lemonade. Even now you are looking at your friends (in this restaurant) and saying, "I thought that there was only one way to drink lemonade," and you would be wrong. There are more than one day to drink OUR favorite drink: Lemonade. Doing things more ways than one is what made America great!
These are all the Wrong ways to Drink Lemonade . . .
- If You are Driving -- and drinking that cold, delicious lemonade with your left hand and hanging the hand holding the lemonade and your face out of the driver's side window, you are causing yourself to be to look foolish in public as well as making lemonade look foolish and do you really want that?
- If You are Using The Bathroom Facilities -- and reading the sports page in your daily paper and struggling to drink a glass of lemonade at the same time, well, one of the two things has go and it ain't going to be the sports page. There was lemonade before there were sports, buddy.
- If You are Standing -- on your head as your morning ritual as your Yoga Exercise and sipping a glass of lemonade before you get ready for work, I can tell you that you will be wasting a very long time to get ready for work. Try (this) exercise and see what I mean.
- If You are Trying -- to be a real he-man with your buddies who live on beer and you are trying to be as manly as they are and drinking Sugarless Lemonade, you might as well go home. I do not know of any he-men who drink their lemonade without sugar. Real lemons are the only way to make Real Lemonade and real lemonade always "bite" your taste buds and then pucker your face. Now do you want to be like your buddies?
- The Ultimate, Pure Stupidity -- for you to drink your lemonade the Wrong Way would be to get (the same buddies in the above Tip) to sit with you in a public place and you say, "buddies! I want to bet you this $500 in cash that I can drink this Two-Gallons of Real Lemonade in less than 30-seconds!" Odds are, the True buddies will let you keep the cash for if they take the bet, you are headed for one more filthy, squishy, and laughable thing that your buddies (and public) have ever seen.
These are all the Right ways to Drink Lemonade . . .
- Relax -- with a glass of cold, tasty Lemonade. No dares. No bets. Just a delicate sipping of Nature's Utopia. This is one of the right ways to drink lemonade and be very happy.
- If You are Super-Thirsty -- do not gulp down that frosty glass of your favorite drink: Lemonade. It's NOT beer, friend. Show some class, just like your Lemonade. And gulping down a drink that is even thought of in the class with Lemonade is being an angry rhino in public. No class.
- When a Friend -- possibly a pretty girl is with you on a date and she wants to share her feelings with you . . .let her. All she wants. You can sip your Lemonade slowly without causing your hot female friend to think that your mind is elsewhere. Lemonade is THE perfect drink for all Eligible Gentlemen.
- If You are Going -- to a local pet shop to purchase a cute puppy to give as your girlfriend's surprise birthday present, go ahead and bring along a tall glass of cold Lemonade. Hey, pour just a dash of this wonderful liquid into the pup's water dish and the pup will instantly love you, the crowd of onlookers (other pretty girl pet lovers) will love you and your girlfriend will literally go-to-pieces when you show up drinking cool, refreshing lemonade (in a stylish crystal glass). PS: the girlfriend with the birthday present with the cute puppy you gave her, decides to name it "Lemonade."
- If You Are Out to be - a Power-Drinker, then let me issue you this suggestion: you can attend ANY alcoholic-based, wild and filthy party (beginning at sun-down, Friday night and stops on Monday morning at 5 a.m.) and all you do at this party is Power Drink Your Lemonade, guess which guests will be pulled-over when they try to drive home? Not you! There might be some nausea because of the excess lemonade in your belly, but you will be able to walk a straight line toe-to-toe and the police officer will yell, "passed," when you pass the Breath Test and then apologize to you and buy your breakfast.
Drink up, America!
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© 2018 Kenneth Avery