CrisSp is your Emergency Specialist at 37 thousand feet. A writer without a niche. Wonderwoman consumed by wanderlust!
Pardon my alternate ego!
What exactly happened?
I’ve been away from my keyboard for quite a long time. Now, of course there is a reason for that. Mainly, I was care giving (for my elderly folks) apart from making a living. Finding a muse was quite elusive and then eventually, I lost my mojo in writing. I stopped. Many things happened. I also forgot to look after myself until I became sick but I was in denial and continue to function. Highly, in fact.
However, it wasn’t for long that my doctor finally told me, I am not fit to work for certain period of time. Thus, a medical note to that effect. It was hard to crack a smile but I cannot stop certain things from happening.
There was lot of contemplating during this period of time. I will have to admit it, this news from my doctor added a great deal into my already shoddy mood.
Fast forward to NOW. I have recuperated well, if I may say. Self-discipline and a lot of inspirational self-help, abetted plus of course, the regular visit to the divine doctor of mine, who by the way, was very kind to send me a get-well card reminding me to “treat my medical leave as a gift, a time for me to think, live and heal.” – I like that.
I missed work. I missed writing and everything and everyone because I basically kept myself pretty much to myself. Social media is an on & off thing for me depending on the state of affairs I have to myself and the time in my hand. I tried focusing into aligning myself to the universe.
That voice in your head
Then, recently I have read an article written by my brother-in-law entitled, “That voice in your head” – and it shoot me like a cannon ball. I’ve written quite a number of articles about that too but I wasn’t actually one who “walks the talk”. I try putting an effort to do so. I aspire to inspire, that’s all and more often, I’d convinced myself that I am alright and that spreading good vibes and love would somehow drive-away my illness and my feeling of desolation. No! It wasn’t like that. Me wanting to spread nothing but good vibes and love was a façade to my dying self. My soul was fading. There exists the anguish. The struggle is real.
I congratulated my brother-in-law for a well-written article and he responded with “Thank you, idol”. Now, regardless of what he meant by that, it meant a lot and I mean, a lot for me to wake up and realize I have wasted so much of my potential by not doing what I want-the desires of my own heart. The things I needed to do for myself. By not listening to my own-voice, telling me to be brave and dance to the song of my heart. Yes, I’ve been ignoring my own voice in almost everything she’s trying to tell me. She’s been screaming loud and I had been completely deaf.
I turned away from my life, my dreams and happiness because I was scared. I burnt the story I was writing because to myself, no one is interested. No one wants to know. No one cares. And, why do I want to tell the world my story? I was afraid of ruining an important relationship in my life and for the world to see my life deviate from the norms of social behaviour in a way that is regarded, as not so good at all, because in the eyes of the people, I have it all sewn together. I have portrayed a very strong personality. I am loving and caring, that’s true but I also have the need to be loved and be cared for. I have portrayed to have a face without a crease, close to perfection but far from the truth.
I do not want to sound very dramatic but I was fostering an illusion to myself and by doing that I am not doing myself a favour.
There was an emotional crisis. I couldn’t challenge myself and yet be still. The pressure from even trying overwhelms me. Every time I’d think about how the world will see me and judge me, it feels like the world was spinning in the palm of my hand. All these negative thoughts affected me, mentally and physically. I was drained.
I was unable to recognize and acknowledge myself.
I think about the past too much. I worry about the future a lot. I think about the people who depend on me, especially the ones I’m financially supporting. On the other hand, I was also feeling inadequate. Not enough. Never enough. The happy feeling just wasn’t there anymore and I would wake up like a robot doing what I need to do for the day. Set on autopilot.
I completely forgot about me. And, no matter how I pretend that I am living a normal everyday life, it is not the case. At the end of the day there is always this feeling of emptiness, imperfection, unhealthy me and the constant yearning for something vague. It was kind of hard to figure it out. Life seems to be simply incomplete or maybe, I am simply complicated. My happy go spirit was taken away from me.
What happened is that, when I took myself for granted, the universe took me for granted as well. The harsh truth is that, people will take us for granted. Despite my only intention to love and protect the people I love, I was taken for granted. My kindness and generosity was taken advantage too and I kept on giving because I wasn’t listening to my inner self, telling me to stop right there. Just as I wasn’t paying attention to the inner voice, these people didn’t want to hear what I have to say as well, unless it is onto their favour. It ultimately made me unforthcoming.
I was trapped inside my body wanting so much to escape but don't know how. I wanted to run away but don't know where. The voice in my head was talking out loud but I was numbed.
I felt alone all along. Yes, one too many times and I feel like I have suffered enough because of it. At least, that’s how I felt and it took me sometime to understand that when it comes to other people, especially when they are a close relative to you, instead of questioning, why they are the way they are, learn to accept it, slowly embrace the difference and their imperfections. However, I have to be careful and be honest to myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot give what I do not have and there’s nothing to be guilty about it. To allow other people to use me is totally wrong. I can love and give all the way but I have to love myself first or I have no love to give. Yet, I have to be gentle. I’ve done my best and it is enough. I am enough.
I’ve also learnt not to expect to avoid frustrations. More importantly, I now learnt (still learning) how to listen to that mystical voice inside of me. So, hear me! If you feel it isn’t right. It isn’t right! Follow your instinct! Be well. Love yourself.
Claiming your life back
Back to my life, my health, my dreams and my joy? I’m claiming it back and I’m working on it. It is a process. I have to re-affirm my dedication to it and play hard(er) with a genuine expression of who I am. I will rise to the challenge of seeing myself deserving the love of my family and friends (true and trusted ones). One-step-at a time because life is built day-by-day. Oh, and one last thing, I promise to listen to the whispers of my heart and the screaming voice inside my head. Claim, reclaim!
Hello, it’s me! Do you hear me?
Love from the sky~
It's My Turn to Reach and Touch the Sky...
© 2017 CrisSp