The Not-So Brief Hiatus

Updated on October 2, 2017
CrisSp profile image

CrisSp is your Emergency Specialist at 37 thousand feet. A writer without a niche. Wonderwoman consumed by wanderlust!

Pardon my alternate ego!

Don't let the fear of judgment hold you back.~
Don't let the fear of judgment hold you back.~ | Source

What exactly happened?

I’ve been away from my keyboard for quite a long time. Now, of course there is a reason for that. Mainly, I was care giving (for my elderly folks) apart from making a living. Finding a muse was quite elusive and then eventually, I lost my mojo in writing. I stopped. Many things happened. I also forgot to look after myself until I became sick but I was in denial and continue to function. Highly, in fact.

However, it wasn’t for long that my doctor finally told me, I am not fit to work for certain period of time. Thus, a medical note to that effect. It was hard to crack a smile but I cannot stop certain things from happening.

There was lot of contemplating during this period of time. I will have to admit it, this news from my doctor added a great deal into my already shoddy mood.

Fast forward to NOW. I have recuperated well, if I may say. Self-discipline and a lot of inspirational self-help, abetted plus of course, the regular visit to the divine doctor of mine, who by the way, was very kind to send me a get-well card reminding me to “treat my medical leave as a gift, a time for me to think, live and heal.” – I like that.

I missed work. I missed writing and everything and everyone because I basically kept myself pretty much to myself. Social media is an on & off thing for me depending on the state of affairs I have to myself and the time in my hand. I tried focusing into aligning myself to the universe.

Basking in the sun and joyfully soaking myself  with this spectacular sight.
Basking in the sun and joyfully soaking myself with this spectacular sight. | Source

That voice in your head

Then, recently I have read an article written by my brother-in-law entitled, “That voice in your head” – and it shoot me like a cannon ball. I’ve written quite a number of articles about that too but I wasn’t actually one who “walks the talk”. I try putting an effort to do so. I aspire to inspire, that’s all and more often, I’d convinced myself that I am alright and that spreading good vibes and love would somehow drive-away my illness and my feeling of desolation. No! It wasn’t like that. Me wanting to spread nothing but good vibes and love was a façade to my dying self. My soul was fading. There exists the anguish. The struggle is real.

I congratulated my brother-in-law for a well-written article and he responded with “Thank you, idol”. Now, regardless of what he meant by that, it meant a lot and I mean, a lot for me to wake up and realize I have wasted so much of my potential by not doing what I want-the desires of my own heart. The things I needed to do for myself. By not listening to my own-voice, telling me to be brave and dance to the song of my heart. Yes, I’ve been ignoring my own voice in almost everything she’s trying to tell me. She’s been screaming loud and I had been completely deaf.

I turned away from my life, my dreams and happiness because I was scared. I burnt the story I was writing because to myself, no one is interested. No one wants to know. No one cares. And, why do I want to tell the world my story? I was afraid of ruining an important relationship in my life and for the world to see my life deviate from the norms of social behaviour in a way that is regarded, as not so good at all, because in the eyes of the people, I have it all sewn together. I have portrayed a very strong personality. I am loving and caring, that’s true but I also have the need to be loved and be cared for. I have portrayed to have a face without a crease, close to perfection but far from the truth.

I do not want to sound very dramatic but I was fostering an illusion to myself and by doing that I am not doing myself a favour.

There was an emotional crisis. I couldn’t challenge myself and yet be still. The pressure from even trying overwhelms me. Every time I’d think about how the world will see me and judge me, it feels like the world was spinning in the palm of my hand. All these negative thoughts affected me, mentally and physically. I was drained.

I was unable to recognize and acknowledge myself.

I think about the past too much. I worry about the future a lot. I think about the people who depend on me, especially the ones I’m financially supporting. On the other hand, I was also feeling inadequate. Not enough. Never enough. The happy feeling just wasn’t there anymore and I would wake up like a robot doing what I need to do for the day. Set on autopilot.

I completely forgot about me. And, no matter how I pretend that I am living a normal everyday life, it is not the case. At the end of the day there is always this feeling of emptiness, imperfection, unhealthy me and the constant yearning for something vague. It was kind of hard to figure it out. Life seems to be simply incomplete or maybe, I am simply complicated. My happy go spirit was taken away from me.

What happened is that, when I took myself for granted, the universe took me for granted as well. The harsh truth is that, people will take us for granted. Despite my only intention to love and protect the people I love, I was taken for granted. My kindness and generosity was taken advantage too and I kept on giving because I wasn’t listening to my inner self, telling me to stop right there. Just as I wasn’t paying attention to the inner voice, these people didn’t want to hear what I have to say as well, unless it is onto their favour. It ultimately made me unforthcoming.

"A show of strength is not always honest." - Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

Breathing some fresh air and softly humming a tune of calming waves~
Breathing some fresh air and softly humming a tune of calming waves~ | Source

Loving yourself

I was trapped inside my body wanting so much to escape but don't know how. I wanted to run away but don't know where. The voice in my head was talking out loud but I was numbed.

I felt alone all along. Yes, one too many times and I feel like I have suffered enough because of it. At least, that’s how I felt and it took me sometime to understand that when it comes to other people, especially when they are a close relative to you, instead of questioning, why they are the way they are, learn to accept it, slowly embrace the difference and their imperfections. However, I have to be careful and be honest to myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot give what I do not have and there’s nothing to be guilty about it. To allow other people to use me is totally wrong. I can love and give all the way but I have to love myself first or I have no love to give. Yet, I have to be gentle. I’ve done my best and it is enough. I am enough.

I’ve also learnt not to expect to avoid frustrations. More importantly, I now learnt (still learning) how to listen to that mystical voice inside of me. So, hear me! If you feel it isn’t right. It isn’t right! Follow your instinct! Be well. Love yourself.

Claiming your life back

Back to my life, my health, my dreams and my joy? I’m claiming it back and I’m working on it. It is a process. I have to re-affirm my dedication to it and play hard(er) with a genuine expression of who I am. I will rise to the challenge of seeing myself deserving the love of my family and friends (true and trusted ones). One-step-at a time because life is built day-by-day. Oh, and one last thing, I promise to listen to the whispers of my heart and the screaming voice inside my head. Claim, reclaim!

Hello, it’s me! Do you hear me?

Love from the sky~

The writer is but a vehicle. The muse is the source. Eternity is the message.
The writer is but a vehicle. The muse is the source. Eternity is the message. | Source

It's My Turn to Reach and Touch the Sky...

Tell me...

Do you always listen to that little voice in your head?

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© 2017 CrisSp

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    • profile image

      DDE 2 months ago

      I listen to that voice in my head. You surprised me on this hub. I too haven't been writing for long time but for different reasons. Life has its challenges and you too have shared your challenging journey.

    • CrisSp profile image
      Author

      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Rolly A Chabot : Bonjour Rolly! Thank you and love I send you back from the skies of T.O.!

      P.S. I was in YYC last week for a few days; didn't really like the fact that it was already snowing there. *smile*

      Be well.

    • CrisSp profile image
      Author

      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Suzanne Ridgeway: Greetings from the cold skies of Toronto! Reading your comments somehow validates that I am not alone and it means a lot. Thank you. See you around.

    • CrisSp profile image
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      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      David Edward Lynch : Sorry to hear about your mom and thank you for your visit and leaving a comment. I wish you well.

    • CrisSp profile image
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      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Eric Dierker : Thank you. I missed those Sunday sermons, eh! And yes sir, I am here...slowly getting back up.

    • CrisSp profile image
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      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Linda Lum: Thank you for reading and commenting. It will be my absolute pleasure to connect. My goal is to reach out through my pen and I hope the message gets across.

    • CrisSp profile image
      Author

      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Bill Holland: Hello Bill! It feels good to be back and thank you for always being supportive. I see, congratulations is in order for another well deserved award. *round of applause* :) With much respect, Criss~

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image

      Rolly A Chabot 2 months ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Cris...So good to see you back, thank you for sharing your journey with us in such a personal way. Life can be such a journey at times, getting caught up in the needs of so many others will drain us. Live for you, both inside and out and know that you are dearly loved...

      Hugs from Alberta

    • Suzie HQ profile image

      Suzanne Ridgeway 2 months ago from Dublin, Ireland

      Lovely to see you back and can relate to your journey quite a bit . Congratulations and look forward to seeing you around again, Take care of yourself brave lady.

    • DaveOnline profile image

      David Edward Lynch 2 months ago from Port Elizabeth, South Africa

      Thanks for sharing, glad that you can write again. A similar thing happened to me after my mother passed away, I had no desire to write anything.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 2 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      So nice to hear from you. Your journey sounds tough but in the end very good for you. Sometimes the strange quote; "whatever does not kill me makes me stronger" makes sense. It puzzles me that we can sometimes be so loving of others (taking care of elders) and yet forget about loving ourselves.

      Well I hope this means that we will hear more from you.

    • Carb Diva profile image

      Linda Lum 2 months ago from Washington State, USA

      Thank you for sharing such a personal journey; I think we can all take something away from it and use it. Do continue to take care of yourself. You sound like someone I would like to get to know. Blessings on your day.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Well it's good to have you back, my friend. You were missed but not forgotten. Now that you found the path back to us, don't be a stranger.

      And thank you for sharing your ordeal with us. I'm sure many can relate.

      hugs from Olympia

      bill

    • CrisSp profile image
      Author

      CrisSp 2 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Jodah: Thank you John. You're a wonderful person and I very much appreciate your welcoming words and presence here. Good to see you. *smile*

      FlourishAnyway: I'm stubborn and sometimes, simply complicated. :) Thank you. I am happy to be back too...slowly. I hope you're having a meaningful weekend. Cheers!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 2 months ago from USA

      Beautifully written and I'm glad you are back. I was told a long time ago to listen to your inner voice or intuition, as you are likely processing an event or situation on a deeper, unconscious level.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Welcome back, Cris. You have been missed. Thank you for sharing your very personal journey. I know it is a work in progress but acknowledging and sharing is the first step. Well done.