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The World is Always Wide Enough

Kat is currently studying Communication at Saint Louis University, Baguio City. She loves getting lost in fiction.

A few days ago, I came across a Tiktok video where a girl said if the multiverse is real, she hopes there’s a version where her mother ends up with a man that loves her and gives her the world even if it means the girl wouldn’t exist in that world. I reread that statement, saved the video, and cried. I haven’t shown my mom the video yet, and I don’t think I will.

As a child, I favored my dad over my mom. After school, my dad bought me sweets and took me to the movies. My mom would get angry when I didn’t clean up my toys or when I would cry over minor things. In my eyes, my mom hated me. I was too scared to approach her and always retreated to my dad whenever she scolded me.

Long story short, my mom and dad’s relationship didn’t work out. Their differences were too heavy on them, resulting in screaming matches and days where I had either parent pick me up from school. I cried each time they fought, which forced them to be civil with each other for the sake of their children. Maybe it was partly my fault for forcing my mom and dad to be like the other parents I see. Currently, I am not on speaking terms with my dad, and I talk to my mom more.

Growing up, I got to know my mom more outside her role as my mother. I had a lot of similarities with her: my dislike for overly sweet desserts, my quick temper, my love for pretty things–even my title of younger sister. My mom has an older sister who lives in Canada. I recently found out that my mom worked odd jobs in Japan, working hard and persevering for a year. She graduated from the same course I am currently taking at the same university. It brings me joy knowing that I am a reflection of her.

I am also haunted by the fact that I have my father’s nose, stubbornness, and most of all, family name. I am a reflection of the woman my mother is, yet I am also a reminder of her biggest regret in life. It makes me wonder if she regrets having my siblings and me–if she would prefer to go back to her life before my family. “If anything, you and your siblings are the reason why I wake up each day,” she tells me, tenderly stroking my hair as I wonder if she’s telling the truth.

My siblings and I are proof that my parents loved each other at certain points in their lives. However, it is useless to dwell on those moments as time moves forward. I acknowledge that my mother is honest when she says she doesn’t need to find someone else anymore. That declaration felt like an indirect message from God telling me to continue listening to my mother’s heart.

The more my mother opened up to me, the more she felt like a best friend. She tells me the countries she would love to visit, the food she wants to try, and the cities she wants to get lost in. She says she hopes I get to accomplish all these travel plans she has in her head, even if she wouldn’t be with me. I know she wants to live the part of her womanhood she missed out on through me, but I want her to experience it herself.

So, while I am a reminder of my father’s absence, I make up for it by being the best daughter I can be. I may stumble and make mistakes, yet my mom would always remind me that doing my best is enough for her. It feels like each promise I make and each embrace I give is not enough to show my appreciation. Each smile she gives me would never be enough to satisfy my desire to make her feel like the luckiest mother and best friend in the world. I hope I become a woman my mother would be proud of. I hope that woman will live out the life my mother has always wanted for me.

Going back to that Tiktok video, I would love to see my mother with a man who treasures her the way she deserves to be treasured. At the same time, I know that Mama is already happy she has me as her best friend and daughter, ready to conquer whatever adversities life throws at us.

Mama, the world is always wide enough for both of us.

© 2022 Kat Garcia

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