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The Word That Best Defines Me Is Fear

This is me. Throughout my whole life I've been unusually fearful......of everything. And I have no idea why

the-word-that-best-defines-me-is-fear

I'm Afraid of EVERYTHING

Some of you already know that since I was 6 months old, I've only had one eye. It's all I know.

I was my parents first born child. I was born with cataracts, and glaucoma, and had 6 operations on my eye before it was ultimately removed when I was 6 months old. My parents had to have been totally freaked out by this.

And they proved to me how freaked out they were by overprotecting me to an extreme. I mean dangerously so. I say dangerously so because they instilled enough fear in me that I've basically been afraid to live

It wasn't their fault. They did the best they could, given the situation, because they loved me. I think many parents would have done the same in that situation.

But now, in a sense, I have to try and clean up their mess.

And I wonder if I can


It Isn't that I don't deal with things well.....I don't deal with things period

How is it that I've survived 58 years with out ever having dealt with anything that I should have?

Well I've just barely survived honestly. I'm one of those people they call a "survivor"......as if that's a good thing. It hasn't been in my case. I have skillfully managed to dodge things, that most other's have little to no problem with


Let's Start With How Exciting it Was Learning to Drive....

...For everyone else, that is. I was always super scared to drive.....but I wouldn't admit it to anyone. I managed to make it through Drivers Ed successfully, but nervously. I failed my first road test, but passed the second one, and got my D.L. when I was 18.

But I didn't start driving for real until I was 21. Because I was scared out out my mind

I'm fine with local driving but anything over an hour, I shy away from. That's a big deal in today's world

My Parents Said All The Right Things

My father always used to tell me that I'd be an especially good driver because I'd compensate for my lack of peripheral vision (due to only having the sight of one eye)

Yes, my father was a drama queen.....thus me.... But I digress....

But his, and my mother's actions screamed way louder than their overly dramatic words

After I got my permit, every time I asked them to take me driving they'd ALWAYS have an excuse not to. Eventually their denying me driving time, became a relief to me. Because every time they denied me, I suspect that I become more and more scared


Okay, so Now What?

But interestingly I didn't have a curfew. The only rule when I went out at night was that if I was going to be any later than 1:00 am, then I had to call my parents to let them know. This was probably because they knew, that in that respect, they could trust me.......probably because they instilled so much fear in me by then that I was too scared of too many things that would have kept me out super late

I am 58 years old, and I still live in fear

At 58 how do I overcome all this?

It sounds like I'm only scared of driving, but really that's not all. There are plenty more fears, that I can usually cover up. But they still lie dormant and I wonder if I'll ever overcome any of them

It is said that you have to want to get over your fears in order to do so. But I have wanted to forever.....I think...


© 2022 jacy albertson

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