The Shiny Sunglasses Saga

Updated on January 19, 2018
kenneth avery profile image

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

A True, Fitting Introduction

to this piece might be considered as my, dare I say it, "best" hub, dare I say it, today. Not in the eight years since becoming a member of HubPages. Not even in the last few months, but today. And loaded with a fresh brewing of black coffee, I am ready to ride. Buckle up. Signed, Kenneth.

 Ed Sullivan Show, January 16, 1956. Elvis didn't start wearing sunglasses until "Hound dog" was popular.
Ed Sullivan Show, January 16, 1956. Elvis didn't start wearing sunglasses until "Hound dog" was popular. | Source

I Have Never Understood

the attraction (for lack of a better word), for those glaring, mega-obvious, attention-getting sunglasses worn by celebrities when they were told by their agents, "Hey, you've got it, son!" And with that one five-word sentence, a normally-obscure, day worker from 7 am 'til 5 pm, and guitarist from 8 pm 'til midnight. Yes, Early Famous Man, you have got it, alright. Fame? Do you think that I am that vain as to ask you if I think that you are vain? You bet your guts, Famous Man.

Your forte is picking the guitar, which is a noble and makes lots of money, but you haven't sold any records with you playing your guitar. Whoa! Hold the presses! That iconic phrase has nothing to do with Famous Man and the verbal bout that I'm having with him, but that Hold the Presses surely sounded great.

You see, Famous Man, you jumped from picking your guitar and performed rather well, I am first to admit, but when your agent told you that "son, you've got it," you ran right through your agent's window breaking all of that cheap-looking knock-off of some Frenchman's one word name: GiDi. Yes, sirree. The first time you were hungry as a starving dog--jobless, staying at the Y, you sought the help of an agent you read about in some men's rest room in a laundry mat you slept in to just keep from freezing your butt off--and the very first time you saw, "Glass by GiDi," your bowels went to pure water. You couldn't believe it. You were about to open a real theatrical/musical agent and in no time flat, you would be on top.

GiDi, indeed. What a racket! But you sold your young soul (of 35) to this throw-back to East Memphis, near Mud Island where REAL blues guitarists play for FREE because they have "paid their dues," done the work, and held on for dear life until fame kissed their lips and bank account--all without the help of the seedy "Jacky D.'s" who did, honestly speaking, meet Bobby Vinton at a Fan Fare in Nashville many moons ago and this "Jacky D." has traded on and lied about his friendship with Vinton only to impress you, Famous Man. Do you look stupid now or what.
You just had to have sunglasses. Why? I will never know. But I do know to a certain extent. You must have seen Elvis when he hit Sun Studios with "That's Alright, Mama," and "Heartbreak Hotel," on the wax . . .he "had" to wear sunglasses. They were not a fashion extra, but a "need" of Presley's to not be clawed like hungry alleycats looking for an empty tuna fish can. "Need" Famous Man. "Need." Not just to look cocky to walk this way--talk this day. Learn, Famous Man, what "Need" and "Want" stand for and when the GE light bulb pops over your empty head, you may have learned something.

Another bit of Show Biz Wisdom that you will need once you are free to wear sunglasses, and I don't mean those cheap, gas station models, but the real deal, man. The kind of sunglasses when strangers locked into serious business negotiations or bidding for a date with a Lady of The Night will cease talking and be gazing right at you. Then and only then will you hear those Ahhhhs and Ooooos and your spine will tingle because you know for sure that your sunglasses are for real and you are for real.

Not everyone famous is well-suited for wearing sunglasses. Example: the late Man in Black, Johnny C., never resorted to wearing sunglasses--not even when he recorded Johnny Cash: Live at Folsom. Never. He was a man without having his wife, June Carter string that cheap aluminum tinsel all over his statuesque frame while he was singing whatever song he wanted. It did not make a hill's worth of difference. Johnny Cash made it the hard way. Without sunglasses.

Then there's the late Dan Haggerty. He was not into sunglasses. His full hair and beard were built-in fashion points. Ask anyone. And while I am with NBCs outdoor shows, there was Gentle Ben. Clint Howard, Ronny's brother, wore sunglasses on occasion, but to look taller. Not because he was famous. Truth? He is not "as" famous as Ronny, and I suppose Ronny has pity for Clint because he doesn't cling to the trappings of Fame and Popularity like wearing sunglasses. We all can agree with Floyd "Money" Meriweather does wear sunglasses, but they make him look old. Notice Meriweather when he goes to the ring again and his ego will drive him there, see his sunglasses? Since his Super Fight with Mixed Martial Arts Specialist, Conor McGregor, he looks a bit slower and tattered--and this can all be explained because of his wearing sunglasses.

Then there's 16-time World Heavyweight Champ, Ric Flair. He is sunglasses personified. When he was with WCW and would do interviews before each match, he would, as he would yell, dressed to the nine's, and of course, have those heavy-rimmed sunglasses. They made Flair more famous. Flair looked like he was a slice of bling slung over his eyes. But Roddy Piper, no way in creation, will I ever endorse "Hot Rod" as being popular just because of his wearing sunglasses. Or did wear them for he passed July 31, 2015, and if I am a betting guy, he went to heaven without wearing sunglasses.

I am taking my time to choose my words here out of pure respect for Jesus, Our Lord and Savior. He, while on earth, did not have sunglasses. He had not created them--yet. But in His case, and in his countryside, hot and balmy, sure, I am not opposed to saying that if Jesus wanted to wear sunglasses, He would have created them right there on the spot and nobody would have one word of criticism to say about it.

Women, I have to tell you, and I am being biased, look so fine when they are wearing sunglasses. But up to a point. Me personally? I had much rather be able to look into the eyes of a pretty woman without squinting to see through her heavy tinted sunglasses that look much like the the grill work of a '56 Buick. Natural is the way to look, ladies. Not with sunglasses. Take it from me.

Jackie Kennedy Onassis as well as Sophia Loren . . .Wow! Bravo to sunglasses to these fine ladies. But a mild scorning to Raquel Welch, for obviously trying to copy Onassis and Loren and failing. Hey, sweetie! Your looks were stunning a-plenty. Sunglasses made you look awkward; restless and couldn't find your car keys. That's all about Raquel. In my heart, I loved her deeply.

And as far as Famous Man with his guitar goes, YOU cannot afford the sunglasses those of the famous and popular wear. The Trump's, Pitts, Ditka's, and sometimes the former anchorman of the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather. Now these people know their sunglasses and the how and where to wear them. Unlike you, Famous Man, you have (and do) probably barge into a nice restaurant, not a 4 Star, but a "nice" restaurant wearing your $3.75 sunglasses you bought "on sale" at some Mobil gas station on the corner. You think that you look good when you wear "these" sunglasses, but guess what? Those around you DO NOT!

From the time I have started this personal narrative to where I am almost finished, my mind has raced to and fro trying to find the Final Three Powerful and Popular men who look the Best when wearing sunglasses. The winners may knock your socks off, but from No. 3 to No. 1, goes like this: At the No. 3 spot: Hank Williams, Jr., he is so tough and rowdy, he can wear his designer sunglasses or just not wear ANY sunglasses and look just as talented. I for one am not going to question his sunglasses opinions and choices. At No. 2 is your friend and mine, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnie has scored with his Terminator films and the Cult Classic, Predator. Even the Predator creature played by Kevin Peter Hall, looked cool and smooth when wearing his sunglasses. And the No. 1 slot goes to Five-star Gen., Douglas MacArthur. No explanation needed.

So Famous Man, I hope that I haven't bored you with his narrative on all about sunglasses and when you should wear them. Tell ya' what. You work as hard as you can, put in the work and pay your dues and when you hit the way of The Rich and Powerful, I will buy you a pair of sunglasses as my own gift of appreciation to you.

Now where is the nearest RayBans store?

I apologize, but these sunglasses look pure awful.
I apologize, but these sunglasses look pure awful. | Source

Questions & Answers

    © 2018 Kenneth Avery

    Comments

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment

      No comments yet.

      working

      This website uses cookies

      As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

      For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

      Show Details
      Necessary
      HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
      LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
      Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
      AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
      Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
      CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
      Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
      Features
      Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
      Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
      Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
      Marketing
      Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
      Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
      Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
      Statistics
      Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
      ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)