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The Shiny Sunglasses Saga

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

A True, Fitting Introduction

to this piece might be considered as my, dare I say it, "best" hub, dare I say it, today. Not in the eight years since becoming a member of HubPages. Not even in the last few months, but today. And loaded with a fresh brewing of black coffee, I am ready to ride. Buckle up. Signed, Kenneth.

 Ed Sullivan Show, January 16, 1956. Elvis didn't start wearing sunglasses until "Hound dog" was popular.

Ed Sullivan Show, January 16, 1956. Elvis didn't start wearing sunglasses until "Hound dog" was popular.

I Have Never Understood

the attraction (for lack of a better word), for those glaring, mega-obvious, attention-getting sunglasses worn by celebrities when they were told by their agents, "Hey, you've got it, son!" And with that one five-word sentence, a normally-obscure, day worker from 7 am 'til 5 pm, and guitarist from 8 pm 'til midnight. Yes, Early Famous Man, you have got it, alright. Fame? Do you think that I am that vain as to ask you if I think that you are vain? You bet your guts, Famous Man.

Your forte is picking the guitar, which is a noble and makes lots of money, but you haven't sold any records with you playing your guitar. Whoa! Hold the presses! That iconic phrase has nothing to do with Famous Man and the verbal bout that I'm having with him, but that Hold the Presses surely sounded great.

You see, Famous Man, you jumped from picking your guitar and performed rather well, I am first to admit, but when your agent told you that "son, you've got it," you ran right through your agent's window breaking all of that cheap-looking knock-off of some Frenchman's one word name: GiDi. Yes, sirree. The first time you were hungry as a starving dog--jobless, staying at the Y, you sought the help of an agent you read about in some men's rest room in a laundry mat you slept in to just keep from freezing your butt off--and the very first time you saw, "Glass by GiDi," your bowels went to pure water. You couldn't believe it. You were about to open a real theatrical/musical agent and in no time flat, you would be on top.

GiDi, indeed. What a racket! But you sold your young soul (of 35) to this throw-back to East Memphis, near Mud Island where REAL blues guitarists play for FREE because they have "paid their dues," done the work, and held on for dear life until fame kissed their lips and bank account--all without the help of the seedy "Jacky D.'s" who did, honestly speaking, meet Bobby Vinton at a Fan Fare in Nashville many moons ago and this "Jacky D." has traded on and lied about his friendship with Vinton only to impress you, Famous Man. Do you look stupid now or what.
You just had to have sunglasses. Why? I will never know. But I do know to a certain extent. You must have seen Elvis when he hit Sun Studios with "That's Alright, Mama," and "Heartbreak Hotel," on the wax . . .he "had" to wear sunglasses. They were not a fashion extra, but a "need" of Presley's to not be clawed like hungry alleycats looking for an empty tuna fish can. "Need" Famous Man. "Need." Not just to look cocky to walk this way--talk this day. Learn, Famous Man, what "Need" and "Want" stand for and when the GE light bulb pops over your empty head, you may have learned something.

Another bit of Show Biz Wisdom that you will need once you are free to wear sunglasses, and I don't mean those cheap, gas station models, but the real deal, man. The kind of sunglasses when strangers locked into serious business negotiations or bidding for a date with a Lady of The Night will cease talking and be gazing right at you. Then and only then will you hear those Ahhhhs and Ooooos and your spine will tingle because you know for sure that your sunglasses are for real and you are for real.

Not everyone famous is well-suited for wearing sunglasses. Example: the late Man in Black, Johnny C., never resorted to wearing sunglasses--not even when he recorded Johnny Cash: Live at Folsom. Never. He was a man without having his wife, June Carter string that cheap aluminum tinsel all over his statuesque frame while he was singing whatever song he wanted. It did not make a hill's worth of difference. Johnny Cash made it the hard way. Without sunglasses.

Then there's the late Dan Haggerty. He was not into sunglasses. His full hair and beard were built-in fashion points. Ask anyone. And while I am with NBCs outdoor shows, there was Gentle Ben. Clint Howard, Ronny's brother, wore sunglasses on occasion, but to look taller. Not because he was famous. Truth? He is not "as" famous as Ronny, and I suppose Ronny has pity for Clint because he doesn't cling to the trappings of Fame and Popularity like wearing sunglasses. We all can agree with Floyd "Money" Meriweather does wear sunglasses, but they make him look old. Notice Meriweather when he goes to the ring again and his ego will drive him there, see his sunglasses? Since his Super Fight with Mixed Martial Arts Specialist, Conor McGregor, he looks a bit slower and tattered--and this can all be explained because of his wearing sunglasses.

Then there's 16-time World Heavyweight Champ, Ric Flair. He is sunglasses personified. When he was with WCW and would do interviews before each match, he would, as he would yell, dressed to the nine's, and of course, have those heavy-rimmed sunglasses. They made Flair more famous. Flair looked like he was a slice of bling slung over his eyes. But Roddy Piper, no way in creation, will I ever endorse "Hot Rod" as being popular just because of his wearing sunglasses. Or did wear them for he passed July 31, 2015, and if I am a betting guy, he went to heaven without wearing sunglasses.

I am taking my time to choose my words here out of pure respect for Jesus, Our Lord and Savior. He, while on earth, did not have sunglasses. He had not created them--yet. But in His case, and in his countryside, hot and balmy, sure, I am not opposed to saying that if Jesus wanted to wear sunglasses, He would have created them right there on the spot and nobody would have one word of criticism to say about it.

Women, I have to tell you, and I am being biased, look so fine when they are wearing sunglasses. But up to a point. Me personally? I had much rather be able to look into the eyes of a pretty woman without squinting to see through her heavy tinted sunglasses that look much like the the grill work of a '56 Buick. Natural is the way to look, ladies. Not with sunglasses. Take it from me.

Jackie Kennedy Onassis as well as Sophia Loren . . .Wow! Bravo to sunglasses to these fine ladies. But a mild scorning to Raquel Welch, for obviously trying to copy Onassis and Loren and failing. Hey, sweetie! Your looks were stunning a-plenty. Sunglasses made you look awkward; restless and couldn't find your car keys. That's all about Raquel. In my heart, I loved her deeply.

And as far as Famous Man with his guitar goes, YOU cannot afford the sunglasses those of the famous and popular wear. The Trump's, Pitts, Ditka's, and sometimes the former anchorman of the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather. Now these people know their sunglasses and the how and where to wear them. Unlike you, Famous Man, you have (and do) probably barge into a nice restaurant, not a 4 Star, but a "nice" restaurant wearing your $3.75 sunglasses you bought "on sale" at some Mobil gas station on the corner. You think that you look good when you wear "these" sunglasses, but guess what? Those around you DO NOT!

From the time I have started this personal narrative to where I am almost finished, my mind has raced to and fro trying to find the Final Three Powerful and Popular men who look the Best when wearing sunglasses. The winners may knock your socks off, but from No. 3 to No. 1, goes like this: At the No. 3 spot: Hank Williams, Jr., he is so tough and rowdy, he can wear his designer sunglasses or just not wear ANY sunglasses and look just as talented. I for one am not going to question his sunglasses opinions and choices. At No. 2 is your friend and mine, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnie has scored with his Terminator films and the Cult Classic, Predator. Even the Predator creature played by Kevin Peter Hall, looked cool and smooth when wearing his sunglasses. And the No. 1 slot goes to Five-star Gen., Douglas MacArthur. No explanation needed.

So Famous Man, I hope that I haven't bored you with his narrative on all about sunglasses and when you should wear them. Tell ya' what. You work as hard as you can, put in the work and pay your dues and when you hit the way of The Rich and Powerful, I will buy you a pair of sunglasses as my own gift of appreciation to you.

Now where is the nearest RayBans store?

I apologize, but these sunglasses look pure awful.

I apologize, but these sunglasses look pure awful.

© 2018 Kenneth Avery

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