Ana Melendez is a writer and blogger. She loves to read, create stories, and she is an introvert. She writes for Medium and Vocal Media.
My Not So Happily Ever After
In late 2020, I separated from my ex-husband of 13 years together. During my time of separation, I was going through something called the "dark night of the soul". It's something I don't wish on anyone. A dark night of the soul is when you're going through a painful period in your life. In my case, it was my marriage that ended in a divorce.
For years, I was living a complete lie during my marriage. Blinded by the love I had for him. I completely ignored the red flags before my marriage to him and let myself get wrapped up in his lies.
I became so unhappy in my marriage and felt so empty for years. And even though I wasn't happy I still kept myself faithful during my marriage even while finding other men attractive at my job. I actually felt a crush on one of the former students at my previous job but never did anything. Nor did I want to.
In the summer of 2020, before we separated, I was on a dating app to "fill my emptiness" and decided I just wanted to chat with other men. However, I got apprehensive and decided to meet men in another part of the world. I decided to only chat with men from my home country.
I felt so disgusted that I started drinking a lot. Fighting a lot with my then-husband. And, him of course ignoring me and my pain. He didn't care at all my nights full of tears.
In the dating app, I met a few. Online only. Ugh. Their approach was so disgusting. I felt like a cake with a bunch of flies on top of me, metaphorically speaking. I ignored their request. There were 3 of them that did get my interest. One was local and the other two were in my country. The local one in the end was not my cup of tea since he had other interests. We ended the communication shortly after.
And for the other two, with one of them I exchanged phone numbers but that also didn't last long because he was asking me sexual stuff that I wasn't ready to share, yet. Lastly, only one out of all of them including the perverts that I ignored their request, he was the only one that never disrespected me whatsoever.
We never exchange phone numbers just chatted. He was handsome too. It was all casual. Just two strangers trying to get to know each other. Or at least I was. I would ask him questions and he would answer. It was nice until he ghosted me a couple of weeks after. I guess he found someone else. I mean, after all, it was a dating app.
A week later, my then-husband left too. It was the beginning of the most excruciating painful journey.
The Dark Night of The Soul
I was unemployed because I left my job due to Covid. It was two months before he left me. Felt so lost. I didn't feel like cooking so I was not eating. I was constantly losing weight. Felt excruciating pain in my chest. I wanted to learn new skills so I took a few courses online. Couldn't concentrate when I was taking courses.
And then there were the nights of insomnia. Having nightmares during my nights of one hour of sleep. Almost every night I would wake up at 3:00 a.m.
During the days I would try to sleep. I didn't want to think about anything. And when I did sleep, I would be waking up crying like a sobbing baby.
The constant crying all day and night. Watching a whole lot of tarot readings on YouTube to the point it was so addicting. I was noticing synchronicities everywhere including the name of the guy that ghosted me. I saw his name everywhere. Or would hear people mentioning this same name in conversations.
For example, I would watch a video about a review on this course I wanted to take and the former student was talking about how she found out about the course thanks to so so. That so and so happened to have the same name as he who ghosted me.
I didn't know why I was seeing his name, hearing his name, or seeing synchronicities. And I didn't know why it was not the name of my ex-husband. I mean, after all, I hardly knew the guy. It was becoming so confusing to me. It made felt so lost.
To make it even more confusing, there were the dreams with this same guy. Dreams of us being in chained and him fighting a witch. So many weird vivid dreams.
There were times in which I was feeling worthless, unloving, and rejected. My memories from my past would be throbbing in my mind constantly. Memories from my painful childhood.
Those painful memories for some reason became vivid of all sudden.
My inner child was telling me I needed to heal. To forgive me and to forgive those that have hurt me. I didn't realize at that time that I was purging all those painful memories from my past.
I was so confused that I started searching online about my experience and why I was feeling what I was feeling. During the tarot readings, I would hear the word "twin flames" and "soulmates". I had heard of soulmates but never of twin flames. So I searched about the topic.
I was astounded as to so much information on the internet in regards to the "twin flame" journey, the stages, the symptoms, and so forth. And there was a point in my life when I came to believe that I was on a twin flame journey. My analytical mind was constantly using logic when fighting with what I was feeling.
My logical mind would think something like tarot readers would repeat the same stories from other readers as if they cross-watch each other to get ideas on what topic is popular. Hence, to get clicks and views. My intuition would say this story resonates with me or this story does not resonate with me.
I was constantly resisting to believe that I was in this "twin flame" journey. Because like I said before, I hardly knew the guy to even think he is meant for me and to even have obsessive thoughts of missing him and so forth.
It wasn't until I found a coach online that explained everything so clearly that everything finally made sense to me.
The "twin flame" journey is not about a romantic love story at all. It's all about a spiritual journey. It's a soul journey. And this same coach was the one that mentioned being in zen, about the movie "Samadhi" which by the way it can be found for free on YouTube. And he is also the one that recommends the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
My Journey to Spiritual Enlightenment
For a month or two, I didn't tell anyone in my family about my divorce situation. I was dealing with this pain by myself. I felt as if I was drowning in my pain and I wasn't seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.
After I finally opened up to my family about what I was dealing with about my marriage ending, it was then when I felt a need to become more spiritual and to cleanse my energy. So, I went to Amazon and bought myself some sage. I constantly cleanse all the toxic energy left by my narcissist husband.
I was falling behind my rent for a couple of months, so I packed my things and moved to be closed to my family. It was there that my spiritual journey began.
The dark night of the soul didn't end after I moved to be with my family. It was still continuing and it was still worst during the night at bedtime. Couldn't sleep much. But I was eating more. I meditated some nights and bought myself crystals to heal my chakras.
My mother gave me some multivitamins to help me heal. It was hard trying to put on a happy face during the day and at night when I remove the happy face to begin my nights of sobbing and crying. I was still watching tarot readings videos on YouTube for a whole year.
Because I was on YouTube a whole lot, I started to search for free audiobooks on YouTube and I was fortunate to find this book in the audio version. So, I listened for free on YouTube.
However, the ads were getting so annoying and I decided to just buy the printed version. Best decision ever made.
My Honest Thoughts About This Amazing Book
The Power of Now is a guide that I believe we all need for our daily lives. Life is challenging as it is. The main key point in this book is that we are not our minds. We are not our past, nor future. We are not external sources either. We are soul beings living in the now.
We are pure consciousness living in the present moment. As such, when we become enlightened, we can quiet our minds when we need to.
As the coach on YouTube explained, we are three-part beings: Mind, body, and soul. Our mind and body are just a tool. The body is the house for the soul. But you're not your body and the mind is only there for us to use when we need to. So, you're not your mind. However, we let ourselves be slaves to our minds. We allow ourselves to become identified with our egoic mind a false sense of self.
We are souls. A soul is a pure consciousness.
The mind derived the false sense of identity from external sources such as possession, belief, past experiences, social status, and so forth. It feeds the ego with a false sense of self.
We let our minds master us. As such we let our mind run at full speed to stress us, to give anxiety, and to let us rob our peace.
Tolle mentioned in his book that problems don't exist. Only life situation and when we are dealing with a life situation we can use our mind to solve a problem. When we find the solution, why keep thinking about the problem? Why the overthinking?
Tolle also describes time as an illusion. The time is now. The past is gone and the future doesn't exist. Only the now. When we spend the majority of our time thinking of the past or future, we are missing out on our present moment which is the now. We become absent of the now by focusing too much on yesterday (the past) and the nonexistent future.
Time is something human-created. "Clock time" can be useful to function in this world. However, the reality is that "time" is an illusion.
Free your mind by focusing on the now, tap into your inner healing, and allow yourself to be enlightened.
Spiritual enlightenment is a gift from the universe. It's something that I am still working on today. It's a healing journey that is allowing me to finally have the peace of mind I was constantly looking for my whole life.
I still don't believe that I am on a "twin flame" journey. However, I do believe that I am on a spiritual journey. And if I see signs or synchronicities all I can say is "it is what it is" and that's it. And if I hear or see his name, I just ignore it and go on with my day. Kept myself busy throughout the day working on my online business and on my writing.
Now, after a year has passed of having experienced this dark night of the soul, I came to realize that all of this was meant to happen.
Thanks for reading!
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle: A Guide to Spiritual enlightenment
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2022 Ana Melendez