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The Loss of Him

We lost him...

In January 2021 my family suffered a tragic loss that will haunt us all our lives.


The Loss of Him

It hit me swiftly, heavily and literally knocked me to the floor. The weight of the deputy’s words sinking me lower. Each word pounding in my brain and heart. My mind was an instant sea of words, only a few making it to the surface to be understood. “Deceased”. “Gun shot wound”.

It couldn’t be. You were gone. In an instant. By your own hands.

The grief of a suicide is like no other. Along with the gut-wrenching sadness that comes with the loss of a loved one, suicide brings with it a horrible, painful twisting in your stomach. A vice grip on your heart. Breathing is hard. Your mind goes numb trying to gain understanding. Understanding that often times is never realized.

Dealing with your death, dad, has been a journey of one step at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. It has been nine days since the news of your death knocked the wind out of me. Nothing has gotten easier. The letters you left gave insight into a bleak and dark world you were living in alone. A world none of us knew existed. A world I would have gladly led you out of, if given the chance. A world you kept hidden behind laughs and a quick wit. Hidden behind love filled sermons each Sunday.

What is my next step? How do I move past this? I will cling to the good memories, as I cannot grasp anything else. I will put up your pictures to point out to your cherished grandsons. I will take deep breaths, start each day anew. I will chase those dreams you had for me.

Why? Because when we fall, we need to get back up. Hopefully stronger than before. We will try to change the world, even just for one person. We will try to save those like you. Even if it is just one.

And now we grieve...


© 2022 Katie Palmer

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