The Hater Within

Updated on November 7, 2017

The Hater within

Have you every hard the saying that you are you're worst enemy. Of course, you have, I have been asking myself lately to what extent. To what extent am I my own worst enemy?

If you listen to rap music, there is one thing you will often hear. That's the mention of a 'HATER.' Rappers also common on how they fed of these haters. For example, if you wanted to be a successful rapper but your mate is like I don't think that's for you. A real rapper will use this mate's negativity as motivation, and when he/she does make it, it's just that much sweeter.

For most of us, our hater isn't another person but a voice that permanently reside in us. (NOt in a crazy person kindy of way)

Have you ever been excited over something you have personally been working on? Something positive and you feel awe-inspiring whenever you work on it. But you tell yourself it's just a hobby because you're too afraid to show it to anyone else. That's you being your worst enemy, a self-hater.

I should know I rewrite everything about a million times, hesitation, and self-dough makes me rewrite one line for a week. I can revise something unit I think it's perfect then turn around and throw it in the trash.

Being a self-hater is like shooting yourself in the foot than trying to walk it off.

To be fair to the hater squatting in our minds, it kept a record of all the time we have failed. There is no mistake the hater within will let go. We all know reminding yourself of the past when you're trying to move forward is paralyzing. This, unfortunately, is what stops so many from reaching success.

Growing up I watched so many people reach the NO RETURN ZONE. The NRZ to me is when someone arrives at his/her deathbed with a barely touched dream list. A dream list is all the things you dreamt of doing. Not to be confused with a bucket list. A Dream list is a list of things you don't want to live without. A dream job, house, car, and family, etc.

Can you remember a moment in your childhood where you thought your dreams were out of your reach?

Childhood was a time where we believe in ourselves so much so that there wasn't a dream out of our reach. So what happened between the time of our childhood to adulthood? (Will adolescent :{ besides that) For me, the voices of self-dough get louder. Injecting any positive idea with a poison of mass proportion.

I know that just sounds like an excuse but hesitation breeds self-dough which leads to fear. And if you have ever been afraid of something; you do anything to avoid it.

Will what if your dreams come in embedded with your nightmares.

Fear is the almighty dream blocker and if you don't find a way to snap out of it your life will be at a standstill. Even if you have an ok job, married to the love of your life and have lovely children. It's not enough; it's just not enough.

All my life I wanted to be better, better than those who raised me. Better than the adults that lived at mediocre. I wanted to study the successful once and become better than them. But Self-dough and fear had stop from being the best.

Let's go back for a second and see if we can pinpoint the moment self-dough started. I know it's an impossible task. Self-dough and fear are some snake son of bitches. They don't announce themselves as self-dough and fear. They come to you like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Self-dough and fear come in the form of an excuse.

Frist excuse is simple; I didn't pass my chemistry test because I had to work. Then five years later your explanations are so much more massive you can't even tell it's a lie anymore. Your dream list becomes a wish list.

All these years you have been pushing your dreams back using many excuses. When, in reality, you were just too afraid to go after what you wanted. It's like being scared of the monster under your bed as an adult.

Truthful; being a self-hater also means being extremely lazy. I'm not comfortable telling you how many times my dreams took a back seat so I can binge on Netflix. I found a way to deflect blaming my lack of accomplishments on everyone else instead of looking within.

At this time the self-hater inside my head had turned into an infectious mole. The green-black goo that I imagine my mole to be; has slowly spread from my brain to my body and into my spirt. Making me an intoning person to be around.

To be hunted by negative voices and all your failures is bad enough but it can get worse. The mole can end up branding you if you don't find a way to remove it. You become the walking dead, unfocused eyes, lack of determination and others easily read the depression on your face.

So how do I clean out this mole that I have created for myself? I decided to go on a journey. I am losing patience with the self-sabotaging hater within. Just like an addict, I didn't start to realize that I need help unit I hit rock bottom. No car, no job, no house and no money to buy gum with there is no more rock bottom. The craziest thing about failing is the unwillingness to listen to others when they try to warn you. But when you find yourself at your lowest point of life that's when those ears tuned in. At rock bottom even your cat's meow's sound inspirational.

I am fortunate enough to know what my dreams are. I know that I want to be a writer despite the fact that I can't spell. That's a minor detail. Am fortunate in that way because a lot of people are confused as to what to do with their lives, and I have been there. Then I noticed whenever I was down and wanted to escape my reality, for a while, I would start writing. And in a moment of brave, I decided to quit my jobs to peruse writing full time.

People look at you like your crazy when you tell then you quit a paying job to chase a nonpaying dream.

The pain that comes with working hard and not see any results is beyond words. It's gut-punching when months then years go by without reaching your goals.

But the worse part is keeping your self-sabotaging behavior at bay. I do struggle with being confident.

What I have started doing is implementing the lessons I have been learning from my motivational books. I know most people don't like motivational books, but the lessons they are teaching are wholeheartedly true.

Your life has a meaning finding it can take a lifetime. That doesn't matter the journey you take is what makes life worthwhile. :} (All RIGHT! please come back that just some shit I like to tell my self.)

The thing is Motivational books all have the same message. You are who every you want to be. You can choose to be CEO of your own company or a custodian at your high school. YES, they all say you can 'choose' as if it's that easy. The underlying message with all these books is that life is never a peaceful walk in the park. You can simplify your life by taking the easy route, but you have to be willing to deal with the consequences of being an employee for the rest of your life. Or you can endure the pain that comes with following your passion. The difference between the easy way and the hard way is that at some point in life the hard approach will lead you to a life worth living.

Two lessons stuck out to me and have been helpful.

First- find a something you love doing, you don't even have to be good at it.

Second- get a planer and plan our days out making sure to include the thing that you love. Practice! Practice! Then find the courage to share it!

That's it!!

It's amazing how a few simple rules can change one's perspective. With written daily schedules even the hater within can't come up with negging words to say. The only thing you can see is how hard I have been trying.

I am now able to look at what I did yesterday and work on doing better today. Each day I try to work harder than the day before.

That does not mean that I have found a way to shut out fear and hesitation permanently. Far from it but I can control it a little more.

I hope to get where I what to go. I AM EXCITED ABOUT THE JOURNEY AM ON.


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