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Like The Flip of A Switch

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It is what it is. As long as you live for today then yesterday and tomorrow do not matter.

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What happened to that spark?

I never thought I would be here. I never thought I would be saying this. I never wanted to end up here. And Just like that... Here I am. Was it something I said? I don't remember. No one else seems to remember either.

Millions of people have fallen in and out of love within their lifetime and with love comes heartbreak, or at least that is how it seems. To put yourself in such a vulnerable position, you would be a fool not to expect pain at some point. It is like going into battle without armor of any kind. It will happen, it is just a matter of when.

What a negative perspective. I never used to be this negative. I never used to be a lot of things. Although, I guess people are allowed to change, they do regardless. There are couples who stay together for years, and I would like to think that they are happy after years of marriage. Good for those people. I wonder how they do it.

Why do people keep putting themselves in these positions just to get disappointed? I wonder how many of those were real. It doesn't seem like anything is real these days. Is this even real life right now? I could be seeing another mirage.

All I want is a glance, or maybe even some type of clear acknowledgement. I guess not everything lasts. Like all the good things in life, they must end. I can't keep sitting here pretending everything is ok. The more I push the worse it is. I refuse to make a scene.. which leaves me... Doing what? Disappearing, I guess? Maybe I am wrong, I could be. What is the point of all this? I wonder what would happen if I did become invisible. Would it even make a difference.

So I tend to isolate, make myself less noticeable. Yeah that will get me attention. How stupid am I? That isn't the best option either. I shouldn't change myself for the likes of another human. I was always this way so why would I alter my behavior. No, the thing that needs changing is my perspective. However I wouldn't say that I am "isolating"... Maybe more like, just doing whatever I please. Trying to focus more on me. As if anyone else would care or notice. Realistically speaking... They really wouldn't notice. It wouldn't matter either way.

"OHH", see that is what has gotten me here to begin with. Assuming that no one cares. I know people do... but I couldn't care less about people. I only ever wanted love and care from one person. Who knows what is real and was is not.

I never wanted to be that girl, I tried so hard not to make this happen. Yet here I am. I guess as the saying goes, "you are what you think about." It has become too difficult to try and stop myself from falling into the well... it happens so fast. I just fall and then have to figure out how to get out.

Most of the hard times have been listening to the illusion that my mind creates, which it happens to do so well. But those stories are just that, stories. It is not real, in fact it is something completely made up, but the more I believe it the more authentic it seems.

So why does a simple perspective hold so much power in the human mind?

It is so easy to make negative thoughts become reality. That happens all the time. So why is it so much harder going to the opposite side of the spectrum? We know it works.

I must stop listening to the false voices. I am only making myself sound insane.

It is so cold here. Not temperature wise, but in the sense of social tension. There is this barricade between us. I never noticed that before... maybe because it has only recently existed. What a horrible thought to have. She would rather be anywhere else.

I don't know how I didn't notice all the bricks being put up. Things like that don't just appear. It had to have been built over time. Have I been blind to the construction process? Or am I the one who has been unconsciously building it? How could I have been so oblivious.

I can only imagine. I suppose I can't say that anymore. Since this is not the first time in my life that I have seen myself different that others saw me. Here I was thinking I was so observant. Silly me.

My mind is a wreck. All I know is that I should probably not let myself fall into this blackhole that I usually sink into when I get this way. It's not like I want to, a lot of things happen that I wish did not. However not everything can be stopped from shear willpower alone. Slipping into the darkness and clawing my way back out seems to be the one thing that I have mastered.

I have been working on myself, my personal energy and my perspective. I have learned that when it gets to this point I need to retract and just remember who I am. I am not anyone else, nor am I someone else's perspective. I am me. I can only be me. If I continue being the best version of me, then that is all that matters.

I feel that is a really powerful set of words to tell yourself, also something like "That is YOUR shit not mine." I feel that has helped me a lot in the last couple of years alone. Don't let other peoples shit get stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

So that brings me to the present moment. I have nothing good to say, I am always rusty when I don't stay in practice. But maybe I should keep it up. I have a routine, a daily routine I like to stick to but maybe I should change it a little.

I might not even be making sense anymore. As I often don't. But I can't seem to make sense of anything right now. So what difference does it make.

© 2022 Virginia

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