This isn’t a very fun blog to write, especially around this time of year. We’re supposed to be baking cookies, singing carols, and relaxing with loved ones. But a lot of people I know don't have that luxury right now.
Unfortunately, a lot of loved ones have been lost. As I keep up through social media news, Time, and CNN I am overwhelmed at how many have lost loved ones and loved pets recently. They say “death comes in threes” but sometimes it feels like it comes in thirties.
For those reading this that have lost someone close, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. No matter when they left this world or how they left this world, it’s never easy to process. Grief isn’t linear and each day comes with a new wave of emotions.
My husband recently deleted all social media for this exact reason. Every time he signed on, someone had lost a friend, relative, or pet and he just felt so sorry for them that he felt it would be better if he just didn’t know. He‘s extremely empathetic in this regard, probably more so than me. He’s always been this way.
Me—I try to find my own understanding through saying things like, “They aren’t suffering anymore.“ Or, “At least they can rest peacefully.” But honestly, that’s just to help myself find justification. Hey, that’s ok! And in many situations it’s true. But it still doesn’t make it any easier to miss them.
Life is truly precious. The older I get and the more people I see cross over, I am reminded that we aren't guaranteed our next breath. We will never understand why it feels like people are taken from us. Why are we left to figure out how to move on? It sounds selfish to say but that’s how we feel. Sometimes you feel guilty for moving on but what else can you do?
I say all of this completely conflicted as I’m currently looking at this beautiful baby kicking and squirming inside my belly. I’m thinking about this kiddos long life ahead and all the amazing things that await. The reality is I don’t actually know if that’s true. I don’t know what’s in store for my own child. I guess that’s the biggest nightmare as a parent...knowing that you can try your absolute hardest to keep them safe and protected but at the end of the day, it’s not up to you.
My mom has a way of saying such profound statements that often catch me off guard. (Actually, I think she just says what’s short and to the point so I’ll shut up but still it’s pretty powerful.) I was talking about my fears of becoming a mother and how ‘this’ scared me and ‘that’ scared me and how do I handle when ‘this’ happens… Her reply was simply, “You’ll pray more than you ever have before.”
I almost feel guilty for what I call, “trying this whole parent thing.” Who am I to bring a child into this incredibly cruel and harsh world? I‘m not superwoman. I can’t protect this baby from everything that’s going to happen. But someone recently said something about her own child that stuck with me. Her 18 year-old baby was having surgery and as she was waiting for the doctor to come out she said, “God loves him more than I do.” I had just never though of it like that. This life was given to me and my husband for a reason and all I can do is have faith in that. There is a plan and a purpose for this kids life and I think the hardest and most incredible thing is that it isn’t up to me.
The miracle of life is the same as the beauty of a moment in time—it’s fleeting and no two are the same.
Some people will have an empty chair this holiday season and some people are adding chairs. The reality is the “circle of life” is bigger than just us. We enter this world, we live, and then our day comes to move on to our eternal resting place. But all around us is the cycle of new life and ending life. It happens every day and every minute; sometimes directly affecting us and other times not.
I don‘t think I have some huge realization with this article. There are things we aren’t mean to understand and I am totally ok with that. I think I’m just expressing how difficult it can be to grieve and not be able to do anything about it except move through it. Or on the flip side, introduce a new a life to the world and not really be able to protect that life in the grand scheme of things.
It’s humbling, terrifying, and complex.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.