How Texting Affects Our Relationships

Updated on September 14, 2018
Deb Vesco Roberts profile image

I'm an eclectic writer on travel, fitness, life hacks, and contentious topics. I look for ways to learn, grow, and understand.

While texting and messaging has it’s place, it shouldn’t be “every place” or “every time” and definitely not the sole way to navigate through our relationships.

“10% of conflict is due to difference in opinion, but 90% is due to wrong tone of voice". Let’s also add body language, facial expressions, and eye contact which cannot be depicted via text, which can cause dialogue to be misconstrued in a negative way. Texting can make the most genuine of statements come across as insincere. I recently read that "only 7% of what we would normally convey in person, is actually conveyed during a text". That said, I would not run a marathon with only 7 percent of my available effort, so I certainly do not want to communicate in such a way.

Texting makes sharing negative feelings easier since you don’t have to actually “face” the person.

Let's say you wish to apologize to someone, so you do it in a text message. What is missed here? For starters, an apology implies that I know I’ve hurt you. If in person or by phone, I can either make eye contact and/or you can hear the sincere tone in my voice. This step is completely missed in a text dialogue and can come across as a cowardly, insincere approach. The appeal of texting is less uncomfortable for the sender and allows for avoidance. It’s a cop-out and does not teach us how to handle direct conflict and ownership for our actions.

This is my fear for current and future generations and I see it every day with the millennials and generation Z crowds. There is more unacknowledged dialogue than there is acknowledged, a sense of entitlement, and even stoicism. I admit that I am terrible when people seemingly do not want to converse with me or are showing some form of passive aggression by not responding. I tend to then make things worse by continuing to send more messages, which starts the vicious cycle of aggravation, anger, resentment, and feelings of being unimportant. This may not be the case, but it is the most elementary way of accepting what is happening; and perhaps sometimes that is exactly what the recipient is trying to provoke; especially in a parent child/adult child scenario.

Now, what about the bad stuff?

How about that overwhelming fear of 'the worst" when your child doesn’t respond when you check in with them. What about just the basic unanswered texts? The seemingly ignored dialogue that leaves you wondering: “Did they see/receive it”? “Did something terrible Hagen to them"? “Are they upset with me about something"? Those are all unsettling feelings that can go so far as to make or break our entire day, if we let it. Whether we want to admit it or not, deep down there is a always that crushing feeling that something is amiss. Whether in a personal or professional setting, it causes distress and confusion. I’ve been that person that resends things a few times, hoping that it’s because it was missed vs. ignored in an attempt to seek resolution and to end that terrible gut feeling.

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Gone are the days of actually “speaking” to one another!

I want to go back to using the phone; with the clear expectation that I will be talking to voicemail since most folks, myself included, are guilty of this. There are also those who will use a text to “return the call” and you never do get to actually have a phone conversation. It really wasn't all that long ago that my girlfriends and I didn’t think twice about calling each other five times in one day to discuss our kids, arrange carpools and team meals, swap recipes, or just shoot the breeze for no good reason.

Texting and messaging is the easy way out of inconveniencing ourselves and others from having to deal with people because we don’t want to, or don’t have to. Most of the time, I don’t want to talk either and if I do, I'm a “hands-free” or bluetooth kind of gal and prefer to chat while going about my cleaning, gardening, running, or whatever it is that I need to be doing to complete my day; a multitasker. My parents were always on my case because I was "out of breath" and on my cordless or cell phone every time they'd call me when I was a busy, multi-tasking, working mother of four and always on the go. They felt that I was being rude because I wasn't "sitting still' to talk on the phone. That was a no-win situation that caused more family distress than it needed to, but in my mind, it was better than not answering the phone at all (it was called "look at the caller-ID back then) and ignoring them until I had the time to call them back. That was why I so heavily embraced email and then ultimately texting, as they came about. Both gave me the "out" that I needed and a way to still feel like I was keeping in touch at the same time. It was hard finding a balance with that older generation who were set in their non-technological ways. Now, the shoe is on the other foot and we are feeling ignored and unimportant with texting; the same way they felt.

There needs to be a balance. We should not stray so far away from vocal communication that we jeopardize our personal relationships. Everyone is busy, (I hate that word and how loosely it's used when making excuses for our shortcomings and lack of communication) but we can always find time for what or who is important.

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I love technology and it’s continuing evolution, but not when it affects relationships or causes emotional distress.

How can we find a suitable balance that keeps everyone's mind at ease and eliminates worry, fear, and confusion? We acknowledge that we are busier now than ever before. Our children are involved in more the activities than when we were kids, our jobs are more demanding, and we travel and are on the go more than ever. That’s the reality.

That said, people use texting as a way to arrange meet-ups, tell their loved ones "good morning, goodnight, or that they love them". In fact, one of the fond memories that I have that involves texting was when my daughter was away at college and she would text me "goodnight, drive safe, I love you" when she knew that I was at work (I'm an evening shift nurse). Not only was it comforting knowing that she was thinking of me, but it actually made me more alert and conscious when I finally did punch out and start my 45 minute drive home at midnight.

In an effort to practice what I'm preaching, I make point to answer every text and email as promptly as I can; even if I can't give a detailed or complete response at that moment, I at best acknowledge the sender briefly and then respond fully when the time is right. I have my "read-receipts" (Iphone users) turned on for those closest to me so they at least know that I have received and read their message. I don’t want to make anyone unimportant. In other words “treat others as you’d like to be treated" applies here. After all, if we are communicating, then in some way, you are someone who is important in my life and I want you to know this. It’s really that simple and is an easy fix to preserving our humanity and our relationships if we are going to fully embrace this technology and use it as our primary mode of communication.

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Texting Vs. Talking

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    © 2018 Debra Roberts

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      • Deb Vesco Roberts profile imageAUTHOR

        Debra Roberts 

        4 weeks ago from United States

        Prashanth, thank you and I agree completely! I feel the lack of personal communication has affected the personal relationship with my children especially. All kids want to do is text and avoid. My oldest does seem to prefer phone dialog the most and I do feel he and I are closer because of it. I have one adult child who will ignore my texts for days and it's hurtful, knowing that phone is on their person all the time. I feel I could expand so much more on this topic!

      • Prashanth Lakshma profile image

        Prashanth Lakshmana 

        4 weeks ago from BENGALURU, INDIA

        A great article. I have always been a 'meet-up and talk' kind of a person. I, for one, solemnly feel that a personal conversation leads to a more meaningful relationship with a person rather than any kind of communication over technology. This article has elaborated on most of the things I have always thought in this regard.

      • Deb Vesco Roberts profile imageAUTHOR

        Debra Roberts 

        4 weeks ago from United States

        @dashingscorpio that IS another frustration. I hate repeating myself. Basically, they were using the VM as caller i.d. We have bred an entire society of people fearful of possible confrontation too. Thank you for your awesome input!

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        4 weeks ago

        I've noticed many people these days prefer to text over talking on the phone. There are also those who will return your call but won't take the time to listen to a voicemail you left them before calling you back.

        "Did you listen to my voicemail?" No, I just noticed you called.

        Now you have to repeat everything you already said.

        In many instances I believe people text those they don't want to talk to. It also allows them to express themselves without interruption. In essence it's a form of controlling a discussion.

        As you noted one cannot always convey tone or humor in text.

        Young people in particular have forgotten phones were originally designed for {verbal communication}. I can't tell you how many relationship questions I've come across where someone is complaining about a person not responding to a text in a timely manner or hasn't replied to a text they sent a few days ago.

        It's as if it never crossed their mind to actually CALL the person! :)

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