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Sexuality- My Story


Chapter 1: Innocent

I’m sure like everyone else I didn’t come out of my mother knowing what the wonderfully and confusing world that we call sexuality was. I grew up with a religious background. My grandmother,Who I spent most of my early years with, Was the most religious of my entire family. Although this meant she was strictly against Homosexuality, And it showed on occasion, I didn’t understand what was happening all I knew was the channel with two women changed to “Sponge bob” and that’s as far as my thought processes went. So I went on with my everyday life day after day, church Sunday after church Sunday not knowing that there was so much more to the world that many had grown so comfortable and safe inside. I was trapped inside a bubble but this bubble was all I knew, It felt safe and secure. Reciting an entire scene for countless movies I grew up with, Playing with “Barbie” and giving her the dream life I could only wish to have, Sleeping with my favorite stuffed animals and thousands of other childhood leisure's. I was every other 2-6 year old kid normal, Well whatever normal was. Then something happened, My bubble that I had put my faith into exploded and I got a taste of the real world not “Bikini Bottom” but the cruel and unfair life after childhood. My parents split up when I was 8 or so, I learned the hard way what the word Divorce that I had heard so much about meant. Like any other child that had just learned that wonderful oh so sweet word I thought it was my fault. Maybe I got in trouble too much and he couldn’t handle it, Or maybe that was my punishment for what I had done. From then on, because I didn’t understand how childcare worked, I tried to be the good little girl everyone wanted, so my mom wouldn’t leave me and I didn’t have to feel this pain again. I folded my hand’s every night “Dear god please bring daddy back home”. Everyone told me that God listens to your prayers, To my 8 year old brain this meant he will give you what you want. I truly believed it would happen and everything would go back to normal. There was so much I didn’t know, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to, I was scared I felt like it was the end of the world but it was just the beginning of...MY PRETEEN YEARS!. I met a girl who changed my life, She was my first real friend who I actually wanted to keep. Her nickname was DK and for the next 2 years of my life, we formed a group that we stayed with through this time they call “Preteen phase”. She was the beginning of me finding the thing’s I grew to love. “Five Nights at Freddy’s”, “Undertale”, Youtube, and the cherry on top of it all, No not sexuality yet, Panic! At the Disco. After we left the friend group all of her influences then Shifted me into the next Chapter.

Chapter 2: This feeling is surreal

The real important part is one person I met that shaped me into the person I am today, Giavanna. I had seen her last year and maybe just a little bit stalked her. Your judging, aren’t you? Anywho, she liked “Five Night’s at Freddy’s” witch is what drew me to her in the first place. I walk into this familiar school on the first day of 5th grade and saw her, My mind immediately knew who she was. I sit down next to her and just stare off into space. I had on clue what to say one wrong thing and she would never talk to me again, She was drawing and it was amazing, So I say

“Hey, uhh That’s really good can I see?” I manage to squeak out

She finishes out lining and looks up at me. This was it, This was my moment. As her head turned from the piece of paper her gaze locked on me, her red hair swayed with her movements gently falling like red autumn leaves around her shoulders. Her Green eyes peered into mine and I could have just stayed like this forever. I had a weird feeling in my stomach, Like I was nervous altho this was as calm as I thought I could feel. I didn’t know why I felt it, It was strange and I didn’t have a word to describe it at that moment. She handed me the paper and I stared at it blankly, It was some male anime character in a gray school uniform with blond hair. And so it began, My glorious journey. UwU, Just thinking about my moment gives me nostalgia and chills.

Chapter 3: Pansexual?

Me and her were stuck like glue, Did everything together, made everything together, and got through everything, together. We were best friends and only friends. We spoke to very few people besides each other before we left intermediate school. But she of course still showed me the main points that shaped my life, Melanie Martenez, Anime (The anime character she drew was Tamaki from “Ouran High School Host Club” Check it out) Meme’s, Vine’s and of course...The moment you have all been waiting for...SEXUALITY! Yes, light the fireworks blow the bubbles and throw the confetti, It’s finally here. It happened in the most simple of ways. She was ranting and raving about anime and we somehow got on the topic of sexuality and she blurted out that she was Pansexual. Now, my little underdeveloped queer brain had not a clue what that meant or were to start when asking what it was. I gazed at her, hoping she would pick up on the fact that I had no clue what that meant. She let out a slight chuckle at my ignorance and proceded to enlighten me. I thought for a moment, Then simply asked

“Is there more?”

She laughed again.

Oh sweety there’s Pansexual, Bisexual, Polysexual, Asexual, homosexual, Skoliosexual, Autosexual and then of course there’s the romantics but you als...” She explains

“Yeah let me stop you right there cuz Jesus Christ” I interrupt

“Well you asked, So does that mean you think your not straight?”She Wonders

“I think...I’m Pansexual” I respond

Chapter 4: Well, This is awkward

A couple years went by and I had been living as a Pansexual . But I was still afraid to go out with a girl. Rejection is what scared me, or more so not being accepted. Then it struck me, My family, The people who raised me to believe Homosexuality was wrong. My mom had a new boyfriend who I didn't much care for but he made her unbelievably happy so I tolerated him. Along with him came my brother who has helped me through so much, I admire his strength. I got a ring from a boy, typical middle school, he had a crush on me and I was, Well I was sexualy confused. My mom saw it on my finger and asked where I got it. I didn’t want to say “from a boy”, but I also didn’t know what to say. I said it was a friendship ring from Giavanna, who I call Gia. She didn’t buy it and thought the ring was too pretty to just be a friendship ring. Her boyfriend then looked me in the eyes with a smile on his face.

“Tamia, are you gay?” He asks abruptly

I stare at my mom then back at his smirk. My heart dropped, I wasn’t ready to share this aspect of my life with my family yet.

“I think i’m Pansexual” I respond with correction

(I later on found out that I was Pansexual but on with the story)

We then had an awkward 15 minute car ride to “Red Lobster”. I mentioned before that I don’t really care for my mom’s boyfriend, exhibit A will be described next. He had been scrolling through Facebook from the moment we sat down at the table. He finds a post that he so kindly shares with the rest of the table. He turns the phone in my direction while trying to hold back a laugh. An image of a woman's lips after getting a disease only a Female can get from eating out other women gleams on the phone screen. I look back at him with a blank look on my face not knowing what to say. Wondering whether to be upset, shocked or both. We finish our food as I listen to the unimportant chatter between the 3 of them. We take another silent car ride to my grandmas to drop off boxes. We pull into the driveway and I walk with tears in my eyes to the backyard. I break down and get a hug from everyone. As the tears flow I feel a sense of relief. It’s done, over, They know. Well, Most of them my grandma, the most religious of the religious. I faced a quest no knight dare attempt, I was up against the dragon...Of Christianity.

Chapter 5: The Dragon Of Christianity

Ahh HGTV, You get suked in and lose your entire night to “Property Brothers” “Flip or Flop” and “House Hunters”. This was one of my grandmas favorite T.V. networks. She dreamed of having a house as beautiful as the ones shown on T.V. to be rich and travel the world. I love my grandma, that will never change but I knew how it would play out in the end when the time came for me to come out to her. So there we were, Watching HGTV, Normal day, normal routine with grandma. A lesbian couple is featured in this episode of “House Hunters”. The Dragon had been awakened, And I was directly in the line of fire. She snaches the remote from the side of the couch and quickly changes the channel. I, Being who I am, Ask her why and wait for the attack.

“Because, There disgusting.” She snaps

Grandma does hard damage with answer Tamia’s turn

‘You know I’m Gay right?” I say firmly

Tamia does critical damage with truth grandma is stunned, Continue with your next attack.

“What you say about Homosexuality hurt’s me” I continue

Tamia does critical damage with feels grandma's turn.

“To me it’s like a slap in the face, I feel like I failed to raise you” She strikes

Grandma does extraordinary damage with opinion, Tamia is stunned, commence your next attack.

“It’s unholy God does not approve of such behavior.”

Grandma does epic damage with Holy Ghost Tamia’s turn. Tamia run’s away avoiding any further attacks grandma wins. I was weak, pillow soaked with tears that night. But I stayed strong, for this young warrior still had a great journey ahead of them.

Chapter 6: LGBTQ+

Another year goes by and people come and go, mind's develop, relationships form and break and conclusions come. This brings us to the end of my story thank you for sharing it with me if you choose this because your homophobic take a moment and think about it, if you don’t change your mind that’s find but at least you have a conclusion and reason. If it’s because you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, stay strong through hard times, ignore the hate and focus on the love, find someone to talk to and most importantly find yourself and embrace it. If you're my family or friends and you wanted to hear my inside thought’s there they are, everything I was afraid to say to you, It’s all there. I am one of many stories and am proud to be a Pansexual female and part of this beautiful community backed with unweilding support. Thank you for giving me your time now go watch anime or Youtube listen to Panic! At the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance or Twenty one Pilots. Heck I don’t, know go eat Oreos on the toilet or something. Watch “Heathers the musical” or “Dear Evan Hansen'' Just go do something.

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