Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.
How many times have we said in disgust, really, what's wrong with this picture? Sometimes we feel that asking this one solitary question, the answer hits our tongues with a laser beam. To all who have lived underneath this myth, sorry. Not so. Not happening. But if you find that you asking this broad question gives you a sudden knowledge about something that you do not understand, let me know. I will write about it.
So to do you a big favor, instead of going on and on, and on, about the mechanics of a broken photo, I give you these examples that are heard and seen each day of our lives.
You and your brother are severally overweight. Except for this one area, your health is fine. So both decide to go on a miracle diet that is guaranteed for those who use it, will lose 45 pounds in a week. So you both get on the diet, but when you two compare the results in a week, your brother loses 65 pounds and you gain 65 pounds.
You and your grand-daughter are on an outing, and you see a gorgeous horse in its corral up the road. You think that your grand-daughter will get a big kick if you lead her up to this animal and let her pet it. Wrong! You are only half wrong. You! The horse upon seeing you walk toward it, snarls, neigh's loudly and raises up on his hind legs. But your grand-daughter walks up to him (when he settles down) and pets him just like a pet dog.
- Your wife talks you into eating at a plush restaurant in your town, so you agree. She tells you to go ahead and make the reservations because as she said, your two best friends, a couple from the neighborhood, will be dining with you and the wife, so you trod to the restaurant, make the reservations, and are taken to the table in a nice location. The time for the three are not on time. So you use patience when you are irritated. A half-hour goes and comes. Then one hour. The waiter informs you if you do not order, you will have to leave. Two hours come and go. No wife or two best friend couple. Not even a phone call from your cellphone or restaurant. So you tell the waiter that you have to leave and apologize for his trouble. When you get home, what a surprise. Your wife and best friends look puzzled. Where did you go? They ask. Then laugh at you. You explain and then the three almost fall into the floor because you went to the wrong restaurant. But all is good. Your wife paid for her meal and the best friends' meal with YOUR credit card.
- YOUR family calls you "Doctor Bud," and you love it. You worked your tail off when you applied to medical school and then worked the rest of your tail off at a residency, then you work with a hometown doctor who has more than 44 years of practice. You love it. But the day comes when you and your wife are sitting in your living room talking about life, when your seven-year-old son runs in and tells the two of you that he is really sick. You start to act from your training, but the wife beats you to it when she blurts out, don't worry son. I'll take you to a REAL doctor.
- You and your lovely wife are going out to celebrate your 30th anniversary and she has chosen to dine at this plush restaurant located in your town. You are so excited. You spend the entire week in anticipation of this special event. Then you two get dressed, and just at the moment you are about to open your front door . . .your most-annoying friends are standing there just waiting for you to invite them in. But, in a nice manner, you explain your situation and hope that they will understand. They do. You are relieved. But the two of them tag along with you and your wife to help you celebrate your anniversary. The kicker is this: these two annoying folks are never at your home enough to invite them to share such an event with you and the wife.
- This one can be labeled a cheap jab at you: one day you are sitting in a local fast-food restaurant having coffee with one of your best friends who is in the same business of sales like you. Then you confide in him about your very strategic sales method that is guaranteed to work. You even shake hands with your friend as a way to never share your wisdom with anyone. That is . . .until in a few days, you are watching TV at home and suddenly, there is your best friend on an infommercial selling YOUR idea, but under HIS name. Can you say low life?
- Your sweet wife goes grocery shopping to get the best deals in your favorite store. loads-up her bubby with great buys. But just as she gets to the cashier's check-out location, she tells her, sorry, the specials that she has in her buggy is no longer "special," but sold at regular price. She could have saved over $250.00, but now she is out $300.00.
- You and your shiftless, unemployed bum-of-a-brother-in-law, purchase a lottery ticket in order to (hopefully) win the state jackpot of over $4.5 million. You guessed it. He wins with the first drawing and you come in second and win nothing. Yes, you are angry. Maybe you need to ask him for a loan. He agrees. Your money woes are over. But the day when you meet him to get the loan, he has changed from a sometimes friendly Joe, but he turns your loan down. You ask him why? Then he tells you that you heard you describe him as a shiftless, unemployed bum-of-a-brother-in-law.
Now you ask, Really? What's wrong with this picture?
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© 2021 Kenneth Avery
BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on September 28, 2021:
It's true..there are always things like this that happen & leave one wondering.
But at the grocery..Sorry, but I would have left that cart sit.
Enjoyed the read.