Krishna has been a writer for almost 10 years. Writing is an expression of oneself.
The Risk of My Work
I am a medical technologist in a secondary hospital that couldn't handle Covid-19 patients. There were times when I would self-isolate myself for three days or more because I am worried that I would be the carrier of the virus and spread the disease to my family. I am living with my parents who are both 50 plus years of age and with my sister who is currently studying law at home. There were many times that our hospital would admit suspected Covid patients (our hospital couldn't admit such patients because we lack the needed equipment, also we couldn't identify those who are suspected and positive Covid patients unless they begin to show signs and symptoms and they agree to perform a swab test).
Most of the staff in our hospital would panic, call their relatives, and tell them that they can't go home or that they should maintain a distance from them when they get home. Often, the thought of resigning from my work crossed my mind. Three days from now, we received the swab test of a patient that later on showed difficulty in breathing. He was positive for the virus and had been admitted to the hospital for over a week already. The fear that engulfed the hospital is real knowing that we had been unknowingly dealing with a Covid-19 patient without the proper equipment and facilities.
Thinking about the risk and anxiety that my work causes me every now and then makes me question if what I am doing is all worth it. The question if I should keep pursuing this dream while knowing that it's like living on a tightrope keeps on drowning me.
The only thing that keeps me on holding on to this line of work is my purpose - I am thinking that I should live my life helping others. I should not quit especially in times of pandemic when there is a greater need for health workers. After this pandemic, I can pursue another line of career and do the other things I wanted to do. However, during these times when we are needed the most, I need to keep calm and help if I am called.
Effects on Mental Health
As I talk to my co-staffs, some of them would not be able to sleep a wink at night because of anxiety. No matter how long we are living with the pandemic caused by Covid-19, our minds still cause scenarios and worries especially as we care for our loved ones and the people that are exposed around us.
Some of my co-staffs would deny reality. They would shrug their shoulders and say "It's just Covid-19, I can handle it, I am strong". They would prefer to continue working and say that "it's just a disease" than lose a few days of work because of the protocol to impose hospital lockdown whenever such events happen and be unable to earn money. I like to think in between. I don't want to lose touch with reality and prioritize my health over earning money, and yet I also do not want to drown in worries. It is a constant struggle to keep my mental health in check and be a support to my other friends who are working in the hospital at the same time.
I realized that in times like these, money won't solve anything. Moreover, it is faith and prayers that would keep us sane. I continue to draw strength from God. Believing in Him and yet keeping my feet in touch with reality is a hard thing to do. But we must keep on fighting.
As I continue to stare at the four walls of my room that I am confined to, loneliness is slowly consuming me. I couldn't eat with my family like I used to. I long for the hugs and seeing the genuine smiles from other people. Now, those smiles and laughter are hidden by the masks.
I continue to search for things to do alone in my room. The temptation of searching for prohibited sites as I am forced to spend my days alone in my room is very strong. Though there are some things to do, thinking about how to entertain oneself and realizing how others won't see the sin I am committing by browsing the net is very tempting enough to commit sins. It is my weakness.
I pray and pray all over again so that this loneliness would not make me do such things. I am thinking that even if other people won't see me doing such things, the Lord can see right through me. I want to believe that He is giving me time to isolate myself not to do such things but to realize the things and people I must treasure the most. I want to be more productive even I am alone. There is growth even in isolation. Instead of searching for lewd sites, I settled on searching how to do yoga and some cooking. I downloaded some books that I can read.
As days pass by, I can't help but think about my first love. The love that I missed. The love that was never successful. The love that I cannot have. Though I miss many people, I can always reach out to them through chats for now. I realized that He gave us the chance to be isolated to realize our worth alone and not to depend on other people. I always think that I could only be happy when I'm with the person I love. But then, isolation made me realize that I can find my own happiness even if we are not together. The process was painful at the start but it was worth it in the end. The longing is still there but sooner it feels like it does not kill me anymore to be not with him. Isolation made me realize what I really deserve without the person I used to think I needed the most.
Isolation is a trial for us to know more about oneself. It is an opportunity for us to get out our creative side, let out our strengths, and know our weaknesses. It let us deal with and know our monsters. As time passes by, I hope that other people can also realize that we all have our monsters and that we can fight against them. Every one of us is a combination of black and white. We have worries but we also have our faith. It is important for us to not let ourselves drown in the pitch-black darkness of our soul. These times let us realize our purpose, the things, and people that we should cherish the most. The most important things in this life that we should give our attention to are just in front of us. Keep fighting and keep moving, even as we keep our distance.
© 2020 Krishna