The author is a Registered Nurse, Teacher II in English and has worked as an Operations Manager in a BPO company for 7 years.
I am a sinner.
I am no saint.
I say bad things.
I do bad things.
At some point, I thought that I am evil for being who I am. I sought no one's approval. If someone would mention how bitchy I can be, I attack them to the core. I don't want others prying on what I say or do. It is none of their concern. Did I ask for help? No.
When I was young, I was bullied because of how I look like. I was dark and I look nothing compared to my sister's. At some point I'm thinking that I’m just adopted. Unlikely, I look like my mom. If only she has shown that my physical feature is not a problem, I wouldn't have grown up with insecurities. It just so happen that I'm naturally smart academically. So whatever I lack physically can be covered with my medals and awards I got from school. It did not.
Whenever I'm with my siblings, comparison never left. This is the reason why I chose to be away from them most of the time. I help them out with school works but I keep my distance avoiding words coming from their friends and teachers. I created my identity and lived independently. I kept only a few friends. I don't need a lot anyway because I'm not the type who parties and present in events. I love my solitude. In my aloneness, I write and write. I find comfort expressing myself through writing rather than verbalizing my concern.
When I talk, I'm very straightforward and not all can take that. I often outcast myself because I'm too different for most. I'm serious in whatever I do. Most likes it fun. This is the reason why when someone came along and showed appreciation and attention, I thought he loved me. I didn't know that there is a big difference with loving and self motive. I'm one of those girls who experienced having a relationship later at 23 years old. I thought my first boyfriend would be the last. I'm the typical girl who believed in that cliché. If I had past experiences, maybe the outcome would not be the same.
I defied common sense and intellect when I pushed the relationship with him. Instead of working as a nurse, I shifted in the call center industry because that was common in his place. I have no regret on that because I love that craft. I mastered the skill but I lost the profession I studied for. He is 19 years older than I am. I have seen him as a mentor, best friend and confidante. He is a professor and businessman. I thought our finances will be okay until I ended up the only one working. He settled with his computer business and it didn't go well. That started the abuse, physically, emotionally and mentally.
For a year or two, I tried my best to support him and keep our relationship intact but it didn't go well. Deceit and lies came lurking in and out of our house. Until that day I found him with another woman inside our bedroom. Some may find that common on movies and series on television but to me, it was real. That day I found out about the deceit, my life crumbled. Deep down I also felt relief. I would have stuck with that man with the idea in my head that the first man in my life should be the last. I found out the hard way that it is not that way in real life. It is the fairytale I put inside my head. I didn't go after him when he took the car that I bought. I even found out that he almost drained most of our supposed savings.
What happened has already happened. What can I do but just start my life over. I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I finally accepted it.
Getting back on my feet and stopping blaming myself for it are the hardest challenges I had to face. I continuously tortured myself by asking myself over and over why I never listened to my instincts. No one has to tell me "I told you so..." And blah blah blah I did it so willingly. I worked more and more. I focused on my work more than anything else. I don't usually go to malls or anywhere else. Work became my safe spot. If I'm at work, I won't think of anything else. Going home made me feel restless and lonely. Visiting my family does not do well for me because they have their own lives to live. I didn't feel that I belong anymore. Though most of my salary would go to my family, I felt that my only use is that. It didn't matter because I'm just living alone and I have no kid to care for. I have fewer expenses. My family needed help and it's only logical to help them out so my siblings can finish their studies.
I lived for years with a zombie mode attitude. I sleep, wake up, and eat routine then start over. I never got tired of that until I had an accident that almost killed me. I woke up not knowing what happened, forgetting people and places and with a fucked up wires in my brain. One turn has flipped my life upside-down literally and metaphorically. I got stuck in my parents' house for two months, I lost the position in my job that I've worked for years, people turned their backs from me and bullied me and I was in total lost. Physically I can't move my right jaw right, I can't smell and taste the food I eat. I was emotionally and psychologically beaten up and no one dared being a friend to me. At that time, I felt so alone like I was from my childhood. I thought I have friends. Where were they? After helping my family out, where were they when I needed them the most? All of them treated me like I'm a mental case.
The doctors already said that I just need time and therapy for my injury. I might sound different but it did not change who I am. How come they understood but the people around me did not? I was alone again. I felt strikes of betrayal left and right. What can I do but cry. That's the safest way I can let my feelings out. If I have changed in any shape or form why can't they see that they too have changed? The fault is not only mine. At that time, it didn't matter. With the beatings and humiliations I got from a lot of people and situations, one can easily give up. I almost did. I felt falling rock bottom, literally. From being a manager to an agent again is a total insult on my part. It's not about ego. I have worked for years to get that position and losing it is like losing a person you love. I kept asking myself if I deserve to be treated that way by those people I expected more understanding from.
Rejection after rejection.
Again, giving up was easier. I still didn't. I continued trying to prove to them that I am still Rona, the one that they know. I forgot myself in the process. I forgot to love myself too. At the time that I was shattered, I only turn to God. There is no one else to turn to.
With Him, I find courage to move forward.
With Him, I find comfort.
With Him, I find peace.
It is a miracle that I found someone who is much more shattered than I am and yet we fit as one puzzle. I never looked for love after my first heartache. In my book, if it comes, it will come. If it doesn't, no big lose. Daniel came when my life was a mess, same way with him. It's not your typical love story where we dated like teenagers. We didn't. It started on the rooftop when we talked and I found out that being a foreigner in my country is way harder when you have no money. People are nicer when you've got money to spend for them. When you don't have, you are useless for most. I'm not generalizing; I'm just stating a fact. Money can be good or evil depending on the person holding it.
Daniel and I are a representation of East and West coming together. We have cultural differences. Our personalities collide because of where we grew up from and how we were raised. There is no exact explanation why we ended up together but right now I can say that it's worth it. We have a wonderful son. No one expected that I would be pregnant at 32. Not even I imagined being a mom. I'm too concentrated with career that I forgot I can be a wife and mother for real. This is one journey I would keep close to my heart. I'm still adjusting to it but I have great confidence that I can do it. My husband has his own story but that's for him to tell and not mine. We value each other's privacy from the world.
I shifted my career from the BPO industry to being a teacher. Yes I studied for it and took the licensure examination while everything is changing in my personal life. How did I manage to do it? Again, God helped me. No one else can. Passing the board examination is another miracle for me. I lost my second kid because of complications and no one expected me to continue with my plans. What they did not know is that before I let go of my kid and gave her to God's arms again, I promised her that I will continue living for her brother. It was another painful memory but now that I have recovered, letting her go gave her peace. Keeping her in tubes won't help her and as a nurse I'm aware of it. It took me a lot more love to give her to our Lord. I kept my promise. I got the license for her and my son Matthew.
It happened for a reason.
Everything happened the way it did because I had to learn the lesson. I am too hard headed. I am too stubborn. I had to open up 360 degrees because God has a new purpose for me.
I am a sinner and I am weak.
Yet, He chose me.
Lord, You give me rest when I am weak, and You give me hope when there is none. Thank You for giving me life and courage when my heart can't handle the challenges in my way. Amen