Stella has written a selection of articles on dating and relationship issues that include sound advice for online daters,
The Dating Disasters Of Middle-Aged Singles
'Singles’ Night' at The Parkstone Hotel was a non-event for the two of us - both unhappily married middle-aged women with grown up kids. For a good few years now, we’d spent many a lonely evening indoors wondering if there could still be someone out there who'd make us happy.To be correct, at The Parkstone they call it ‘Friends’ Night’ now, rather than 'Singles’ Night', but what the heck - it all means the same – everyone there is desperate. Even so, no one came over to chat to us or asked us to dance.
Then the daunting thought struck me: perhaps we're over the hill! Most of the patrons appeared to know each other already so we felt left out from the start. Could it be that they were all too shy to proposition any newcomers? Neither of us is bad looking for our age; pushing fifty but not quite 'pushing up daisies' yet.
It was funny because my friend’s husband offered to give us a lift although we didn’t let on we were off to a singles' meeting. In the car, he turned to me and said: ‘Oh, you don’t want to be going to The Parkstone on a Thursday – it’s 'Singles' Night.’
‘Oh really?’ I replied, trying hard to feign surprise. My friend promptly asked him to drop us off on the other side of town from The Parkstone so as not to arouse his suspicions. Even then, she thought he might have followed us to see where we ended up. It turned out we’d have had more luck being chatted up on the way there than at the venue once we arrived. We ended up dancing round our handbags or with each other.
‘May just as well have stayed at home with my vibrator,’ my friend sighed as the evening drew to a close. Well, she worked for Anne Summers once, so she knew all about that sort of thing. Nil desperandum; salvation is on the horizon in the shape of the Internet and we resolved there and then to try computer dating. Nothing could be worse than The Parkstone!
Someone sent me a card for my fiftieth birthday. It was a drawing of a winding path going up a hill; It said on the front: 'Where are you in this picture?' Then I opened the card and inside it said: 'You're not there because you're over the hill!' Luckily for the sender, I have a sense of humour.
Over the Hill?
Love Is A Rare Commodity
I Wish They Had This Internet Dating Lark When I Was Young!
With the Internet, you can summon up buddies all over the world at the touch of a button so we got all spruced up and took some photos to post on on-line dating sites. Even so, it may prove disappointing as most of the men of our age group still want ultra-slim dolly birds ten to fifteen younger than themselves.
So where does that leave us? We’ve brought up our families, put up with disastrous marriages and now we're virtually on the scrap heap. A man always gets another chance to start afresh whatever his age. Equality of the sexes? Give me a break – there’s no such thing nor ever will be.
How would we even begin to describe our complicated situation on a dating profile? We’re only married to our husbands in name only; there is no hope of divorce because of finances; we are not quite separated. There isn’t even a word to describe our predicament. What a nightmare and all because we signed a silly bit of paper thirty odd years ago.
My husband sleeps upstairs and I sleep downstairs so perhaps that qualifies as separated in a sense. How did my friend and I ever get to this point? We've slaved at the kitchen sink; put our lives on hold for our kids, sacrificed our own needs and at what price? Now we eventually have a bit of ‘me time’ there is no one to share it with.
Neither of us has true financial independence from our husband and that, I believe, is the crux of the matter. So say to your daughters: get a career, never let yourself be the underdog; never allow a man to have ultimate power over you financially or you will be forever beholden to him. Be independent from the onset of a relationship and if your marriage goes badly wrong you can walk away, knowing you can still support yourself.
Finding Love Should Be A Simple Thing
How About A Singles Cruise? Does That Float Your Boat?
My friend suggests a singles cruise which In theory seems like a good idea - after all everyone will be in the same boat. After careful consideration, I change my mind.... knowing my luck everyone else on board will pair up and I'll retreat to my cabin dispirited. Worse still, I have visions of being thrown overboard if someone discovers I'm still married.
The older I get, the more dating disasters I seem to accumulate. Dating nowadays strikes me as being far more complicated than when I was young. I don't think it's just me either. Not only do people collect carousels full of emotional baggage over the years (which they'll never admit to) but they also become increasingly selective in their choice of partner. This means everyone has an idealised view which reality is never going to provide.
Looking back to my own dating past, I met my very first boyfriend in a swimming pool and another boyfriend outside a photo booth, and yet another on a coach trip but things like that never seem to happen to me anymore and it's not all to do with my age. People are often in too much rush to even strike up a conversation nowadays never mind ask you out on a date. Do they rely too much on the Internet and have forgotten what it's like to meet someone in the normal course of events? Internet dating can be successful for a few but I suspect that there are more disappointments than long lasting connections.
At least Internet dating can be fun if you don't take it too seriously. Always be sure to meet someone in a public place and be wary of scammers who will entice you to part with your money. The subject of Internet dating can be a great topic of conversation and there are always funny incidents to relate so go ahead what have you got to lose? If you don't find anyone special then at least you've had a bit of fun in looking.
An Inspirational Video For Middle-Aged Women
A Word Of Advice To Middle-Aged Women Looking For Love
My friend and I have taken several holidays to places such as Turkey and Tunisia and we are amazed at the vast amount of women of our age who fall foul of toy boys who are interested in nothing else other than marrying a foreign national for citizenship of that country and their money. Time after time you'll read in the papers about these hapless women who have genuinely believed that some twenty-something hunk really loves them.These women need a reality check because it isn't going to happen in a million years. Look in the mirror dearies and the answer is there. As soon as they've got your money and citizenship of your country, you won't see them for dust. If you want to confine the relationship to the duration of your holiday to relive your youth then fair enough but for goodness sake don't part with any money and don't think for a minute there will be any future in it.
Dating Advice For The Over 40s
Two Disastrous Dates!
Another chap I met was quite clearly not interested in me for me from the onset as he kept asking me about houses (I'd mentioned in my dating profile that I was a landlord). Throughout the date, all he did was pick my brains about property development as he wanted to become a landlord himself. Although I'm happy to chat for hours on end about houses to virtually anyone, I didn't think it was appropriate on a date and told him there were books he could read on the subject. I also told him I'd sussed immediately that he wasn't interested in me for me and he confessed - then he said he was already dating someone else anyway. Lesson learned and I erased my job description from my dating profile as soon as I arrived home.
Is Online Dating For You?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2014 Stella Kaye