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Or Would You Like to be a Hog?

Kenneth, born and raised in the South, resides in Hamilton, Alabama. He enjoys sharing his unique perspectives on life through his writing.

If I Were a Pig, I'd Love to Take Naps For Sure!


Okay. I’m Telling You That

I am all for political-correctness. Instead of pig, I should have said swine, but when you live in a rural part of Alabama, you get a fast education of what’s what. My older friends in Hamilton, Ala., my hometown, all refer to Swine as Hogs, and I am not about to correct them and even if some of the senior guys ages 78 to 88 are tough enough to beat my butt without breaking a sweat. I love to get along with all ages of folks.

Writing about hogs is not that easy. That is unless I bring-up one of the many hit songs by the Beatles on the famous White Album, named “Piggies,” then I might pull a good paragraph or two, but when you get down to it, a hog is pretty much a hog. If the term hog offends you, I won’t apologize because I have already explained the difference between hogs and swine in the beginning, so move on!

Frankly, there is a lot of “Hog References,” floating around our country. Take the University of Arkansas in the Southeastern Conference (football). Their mascot is a Razorback, which is a big, powerful hog, but my friends in Arkansas love to yell, “Soooo-eeeee, hogs!” They start booing if people say, “Sooooeeee, swine!” These folks in that part of the country are not to be messed with when it comes to their football and hogs.

Here Are More Pig References:

  • In the Turbulent 60’s, the hippies called the police pigs. God forgive them, and me.
  • A common rural phrase is “I am a hog about blueberry pie,” and it is too early on Labor Day 2019 to explain this term.
  • People in the 90’s would say when they ate too much food, “I pigged-out last Friday night,” and I confess of saying this term a lot of times.
  • Then you have “Bring home the Bacon,” a true pig reference.
  • Then the greedy people will say, “Stop hogging all of the cornbread!”
  • A famous fairy tale book was about Three Little Pigs. Sorry. No wolf reference today.
  • If one makes a bold claim, his friends say, “When pigs fly!”
  • There is still a grocery store chain named Piggly Wiggly.
  • Someone who takes you for a ride is when you are, “Buying a pig in a poke.”
  • In olden times, clumsy folks were considered, “Graceful as pigs on ice.”
  • If a man will not see the truth in a story, he is pig-headed.
  • Jesus even taught his followers to “not cast your pearls before the swine,” and of course that means not wasting your time or the time of the listener.

I'll Pose Like This And You Take My Picture


Now I Need to Talk to You About

  • what I would do if I were to be transformed from me to a pig, but I would really negotiate hard with the wizard who is about to change me and put me in some new mud. That’s only fair don’t you think?
  • I would want my hair everywhere on my body, shampooed, styled, and combed every other day of the week because I am not “just” a hog. I am a hog that came from a man, so show me some respect!
  • And that reminds me, I would also want to be able to talk while I am “eating like a hog,” on the finest corn that my farmer/owner can grow and harvest. I would not ask, but demand a big plate of corn on the cob, creamed corn, and some corn puffs for a snack.
  • I would want a great stereo with some Steve Miller; ZZ Topp, and Lynyrd Skynyrd LPs to put on at any time of the day or night. Hey! It’s my mud hole. Deal with it.
  • I would want to meet that pig, “Arnold,” on CBS’s “Green Acres,” with Eddy Albert and Ava Gabor. I hate to sound cocky, but after I give him a good talking to, he would think twice about being so gracious about working on a show as ignorant as “Green Acres.”
  • I would want a sensitive burglar system to take care of ME because as I take many naps in the daytime, I would hate it if some hungry hobos’s try and sneak into my mud hole and try to cut some of my ham off for themselves. What nerve! Oh, I would want to have a temper like Clint Eastwood.
  • The last item (for now) is I want to meet with all of the NCAA members with their football teams and the NFL teams and those of the CFL, (Canadian Football League,) and demand, not ask, that the vulgar term, “pigskin” be abolished from the broadcasts and sports stories that tell about football.

Long Naps Mean a Long Life (For Me)


For My Pig Wardrobe

  • I would want to wear the BEST slacks, not those off the rack, but designer slacks that make me look slim to the female pigs. Plus, I want designer alligator slippers because there are NO pigskin slippers for me to wear and if they were pigskin slippers, I would stage a One Pig Protest to bring awareness to how pigs are being mistreated.
  • I would wear only the best shorts in the summer time or when I decide to go swimming in my private pool that I would have built just for me. No silk material for any of my clothing, because of that old saying about “making a silk purse from a pig’s ear.” I hate that one.

For My Daily Food Choices

I would love to eat . . .

  • Corn chips – the hot and spicy brand.
  • Cheese curls and not those bargain basement curls, but the brand-name cheese curls.
  • Plenty of cold watermelon and I am not choosy about the melons being red or yellow-meated.
  • Sushi, but only now and then.
  • NO Souse Meat at anytime. Do I have to tell you what Souse Meat is made from?
  • Potato soup. I love it.
  • Pimento Cheese sandwiches everyday.

Other Demands That I Would Have

as my new life as a pig:

  • I want three Plasma TV’s set all around me so I can watch what I please. But NO “Green Acres.”
  • Iced Sweet Tea on tap for me around the clock.
  • Black coffee served whenever I grunt for it.
  • Speaking of grunting . . .I want to learn how to sing Opera so I can be the most-famous pig in the world for singing Opera.
  • I want my own lawyer from New York City, but I have to interview HER.
  • I plan on writing a book about “How It Feels to Be a Pig About Town.”

Don’t look at me so stunned. If it can happen to “Arnold,” why not me?

Sept. 2, 2019__________________________Have a Safe Labor Day!

Nothing Beats Cool Mud For Relaxing


© 2019 Kenneth Avery

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