One Year Post Divorce - Addiction Defeated, but My Heart is Still Broken
Some people have asked me what it's like to get divorced. Some people asked me what it felt like.
To me, it was like going to a funeral for a year straight.
I wish I could say that after all the paper work is done, everything is settled and okay. I'm afraid that in many cases for many people. It's not.
How many mistakes can you make that carry the gravity of an entire lifetime of pain?
I'm now afraid that what I'm experiencing isn't normal. How can a person still be in tears more than a year after the separation, and nine months after everything has been finalized? How can I still see her in my dreams? How can I stop replaying our wedding day in my mind over and over again?
My sobriety has provided me with clarity. This clarity has been in a blessing in many ways, but it has also allowed me to see very clearly all of the things that I did wrong. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over it, but I can't help it. I blame myself in so many ways for the things that went wrong. If I had any idea of the amount of pain that I would go through in this entire process, I would have done things so differently. I've made so many mistakes, and I've had to pay for them dearly. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.
Still, everyday, I get up and go to work. I still make it into the gym, and I still continue to work on my projects. I started making a game last year, and it's actually coming along pretty nicely. I'm hoping that I can push through, and somehow all of the effort I've put into improving myself will pay off. It's just so hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. It feels never ending.
I don't want to sound insensitive to others, but I feel no different than if she had passed away. She was my best friend, and when she left and cut off communication with me it was so painful. I don't know how people deal with death or divorce of someone who they care about so much. In some ways our ability to love so deeply is such a blessing, but living life without her now makes everything feel so dull. I would do anything to go back to the beginning, and have another chance.
I know all of these thoughts and feelings are selfish. I should be happy that she's been able to move on and be happy, but I just wish there was some way for this to not hurt so badly. I wish that her happiness was a relief for my pain.
There are some days that I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I feel trapped in my life, my job, and I think that I desperately need a change. I just don't know where to start, and sometimes I feel like giving up.
I'm just a tiny spec on a ball of dirt and rock that's hurtling through space at 60,000 mph, and I don't know how or why I got here, and that's why it makes it so hard to continue. The universe is so infinite, and so why must I endure this existence of pain. Some people say that it's for a reason, but I'm having trouble seeing that reason now.