One Year Post Divorce - Addiction Defeated, but My Heart is Still Broken

Updated on June 21, 2018
MattyJ9999 profile image

Matt is a computer scientist, software engineer, and entrepreneur with extensive experience in business and writing.

Some people have asked me what it's like to get divorced. Some people asked me what it felt like.

To me, it was like going to a funeral for a year straight.

I wish I could say that after all the paper work is done, everything is settled and okay. I'm afraid that in many cases for many people. It's not.

How many mistakes can you make that carry the gravity of an entire lifetime of pain?

I'm now afraid that what I'm experiencing isn't normal. How can a person still be in tears more than a year after the separation, and nine months after everything has been finalized? How can I still see her in my dreams? How can I stop replaying our wedding day in my mind over and over again?

My sobriety has provided me with clarity. This clarity has been in a blessing in many ways, but it has also allowed me to see very clearly all of the things that I did wrong. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over it, but I can't help it. I blame myself in so many ways for the things that went wrong. If I had any idea of the amount of pain that I would go through in this entire process, I would have done things so differently. I've made so many mistakes, and I've had to pay for them dearly. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

Still, everyday, I get up and go to work. I still make it into the gym, and I still continue to work on my projects. I started making a game last year, and it's actually coming along pretty nicely. I'm hoping that I can push through, and somehow all of the effort I've put into improving myself will pay off. It's just so hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. It feels never ending.

I don't want to sound insensitive to others, but I feel no different than if she had passed away. She was my best friend, and when she left and cut off communication with me it was so painful. I don't know how people deal with death or divorce of someone who they care about so much. In some ways our ability to love so deeply is such a blessing, but living life without her now makes everything feel so dull. I would do anything to go back to the beginning, and have another chance.

I know all of these thoughts and feelings are selfish. I should be happy that she's been able to move on and be happy, but I just wish there was some way for this to not hurt so badly. I wish that her happiness was a relief for my pain.

There are some days that I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I feel trapped in my life, my job, and I think that I desperately need a change. I just don't know where to start, and sometimes I feel like giving up.

I'm just a tiny spec on a ball of dirt and rock that's hurtling through space at 60,000 mph, and I don't know how or why I got here, and that's why it makes it so hard to continue. The universe is so infinite, and so why must I endure this existence of pain. Some people say that it's for a reason, but I'm having trouble seeing that reason now.


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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 months ago

      Refusing to Accept It's Over

      In order for one to move on they must want to let go.

      The reason why it's so difficult for so many people to move on is because they really don't want to.

      On some level what they really want is a romantic reconciliation.

      In fact we've been programmed by romance novels and Hollywood movies to view breakups as stepping stones towards happily ever after. Just about everyone loves a story where a couple in the end gets back together after having gone through some painful emotional turmoil.

      As long as a person refuses to accept the relationship is actually over they will continue to torture them self with hope or regrets.

      You can't get to second base if you insist upon keeping one foot on first. Acceptance that the relationship is over is the first step required to moving on.

      Romanticizing the Past

      Another very common mistake people make is romanticizing the past with selective memories or using rose tinted glasses.

      They choose to only remember the "good times' and not the issues which led to the breakup.

      There are those who say they can't imagine their life without their ex. They need to be reminded of a few things.

      That woman you feel you can't live without just know this; there are (billions of us) doing exactly that every single day!

      In fact you use to be one of us! You had a life before you met her and your life didn't end when the relationship did.

      In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" she would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soulmate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).

      In a world with over 7 billion people rejection just means: Next!

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      Your future {lies ahead of you} and not behind you.

      Every ending is a new beginning!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      5 months ago from The Caribbean

      Matty, my heart goes out to you. Being divorced myself, I understand the hurt and I also understand that your healing is your responsibility. As a writer, you don't wake up everyday for a year to edit the same last chapter; you keep writing. After divorce, keep building on what you still have, instead of wallowing in self-pity over what you lost. Even if your ex-wife wanted to come back, she'd prefer to come back to a man who demonstrates inner strength. That's not to say that you'll never cry again, but crying is not all that you can do. Hope you survive this emotional horror!


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