One Year Post Divorce - Addiction Defeated, but My Heart is Still Broken

Updated on June 21, 2018
MattyJ9999 profile image

Matt is a computer scientist, software engineer, and entrepreneur with extensive experience in business and writing.

Some people have asked me what it's like to get divorced. Some people asked me what it felt like.

To me, it was like going to a funeral for a year straight.

I wish I could say that after all the paper work is done, everything is settled and okay. I'm afraid that in many cases for many people. It's not.

How many mistakes can you make that carry the gravity of an entire lifetime of pain?

I'm now afraid that what I'm experiencing isn't normal. How can a person still be in tears more than a year after the separation, and nine months after everything has been finalized? How can I still see her in my dreams? How can I stop replaying our wedding day in my mind over and over again?

My sobriety has provided me with clarity. This clarity has been in a blessing in many ways, but it has also allowed me to see very clearly all of the things that I did wrong. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up over it, but I can't help it. I blame myself in so many ways for the things that went wrong. If I had any idea of the amount of pain that I would go through in this entire process, I would have done things so differently. I've made so many mistakes, and I've had to pay for them dearly. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

Still, everyday, I get up and go to work. I still make it into the gym, and I still continue to work on my projects. I started making a game last year, and it's actually coming along pretty nicely. I'm hoping that I can push through, and somehow all of the effort I've put into improving myself will pay off. It's just so hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. It feels never ending.

I don't want to sound insensitive to others, but I feel no different than if she had passed away. She was my best friend, and when she left and cut off communication with me it was so painful. I don't know how people deal with death or divorce of someone who they care about so much. In some ways our ability to love so deeply is such a blessing, but living life without her now makes everything feel so dull. I would do anything to go back to the beginning, and have another chance.

I know all of these thoughts and feelings are selfish. I should be happy that she's been able to move on and be happy, but I just wish there was some way for this to not hurt so badly. I wish that her happiness was a relief for my pain.

There are some days that I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I feel trapped in my life, my job, and I think that I desperately need a change. I just don't know where to start, and sometimes I feel like giving up.

I'm just a tiny spec on a ball of dirt and rock that's hurtling through space at 60,000 mph, and I don't know how or why I got here, and that's why it makes it so hard to continue. The universe is so infinite, and so why must I endure this existence of pain. Some people say that it's for a reason, but I'm having trouble seeing that reason now.


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 months ago

      Refusing to Accept It's Over

      In order for one to move on they must want to let go.

      The reason why it's so difficult for so many people to move on is because they really don't want to.

      On some level what they really want is a romantic reconciliation.

      In fact we've been programmed by romance novels and Hollywood movies to view breakups as stepping stones towards happily ever after. Just about everyone loves a story where a couple in the end gets back together after having gone through some painful emotional turmoil.

      As long as a person refuses to accept the relationship is actually over they will continue to torture them self with hope or regrets.

      You can't get to second base if you insist upon keeping one foot on first. Acceptance that the relationship is over is the first step required to moving on.

      Romanticizing the Past

      Another very common mistake people make is romanticizing the past with selective memories or using rose tinted glasses.

      They choose to only remember the "good times' and not the issues which led to the breakup.

      There are those who say they can't imagine their life without their ex. They need to be reminded of a few things.

      That woman you feel you can't live without just know this; there are (billions of us) doing exactly that every single day!

      In fact you use to be one of us! You had a life before you met her and your life didn't end when the relationship did.

      In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" she would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soulmate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).

      In a world with over 7 billion people rejection just means: Next!

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      Your future {lies ahead of you} and not behind you.

      Every ending is a new beginning!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      3 months ago from The Caribbean

      Matty, my heart goes out to you. Being divorced myself, I understand the hurt and I also understand that your healing is your responsibility. As a writer, you don't wake up everyday for a year to edit the same last chapter; you keep writing. After divorce, keep building on what you still have, instead of wallowing in self-pity over what you lost. Even if your ex-wife wanted to come back, she'd prefer to come back to a man who demonstrates inner strength. That's not to say that you'll never cry again, but crying is not all that you can do. Hope you survive this emotional horror!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)