Kenneth is a rural citizen of Hamilton, Ala., and has begun to observe life and certain things and people helping him to write about them.
Tying A Windsor Knot: Very Useful
Do You Remember The First
time that you and your parents insisted that you were going to accompany them to visit your second-cousin's niece who had just finished her piano lessons and now comes the recital--the public showing of her piano talent to boost her confidence.
My two nieces took piano lessons and they were quite good. I was never into piano. My forte was learning the guitar, but it wasn't long before I found out that there is a big difference between Strumming the Guitar and Playing the Guitar, but right now, I am just searching for my guitar talent. I began searching in 1974. No more discussion, please.
Do You Also Remember The First
time that you, an only son, had to wear a nice suit along with pants, shirt, and shoes? Plus, your always-caring dad, did something that would change the very course of your life: making you to wear a tie. For young guys, wearing a tie in private is not that much fun, but in the public? You are talking about a complete emotional melt-down. I am serious.
Oh, you did argue the best arguments (the Anti-Tie Wearing) that were available in 1958, but face it, there was not really that many points for a young man having to wear a tie when he could look good without it And how about all of the muss and fuss of not just wearing a tie that took time to make a handsome knot in the tie, and when it was finished, there was absolutely nothing that you could say about people wearing your tie, but "Buddy, you look as sharp as a butcher's knife with that tie!" And you know it's true because that one, maybe two compliments is it. Nothing else. So was, and is, a tie really worth the trouble?
I have witnessed real people who were asked to be part of someone's wedding and when the blissful-event arrived, at least one of the slow-witted groomsmen had forgotten how to tie his tie, so the best man had to step-in to insure that the clumsy groomsman would have a proper tie when the wedding vows were said and repeated. Forgive me, but isn't this just one of the duties saddled with a best man? And again, after the wedding and reception was history, every groomsman (who remained sober) had no use for their ties--so that explains why so many pictures (taken) during the reception show the groom and groomsmen wearing a "tie-less" gang of happy guys. As for the groomsmen who were a little loopy due to some heavy drinking, they yanked off their ties and only God knows where they landed. The ties, not the groomsmen.
"I tell you the truth--here and now. If men who are real men, can respect their ties, then we can have an understanding society, but if rebellious men will stand-up and yell anti-tie threats, then all I can is BEWARE."
— Kenneth Avery
Now Have You Guys Forgotten
the very first time that your now-wife, now a single girl, said yes to your asking day and night to you taking her out to dinner and a movie, but there was trouble already afoot. When you were in the process of getting ready for this special date, you had loads of time--you showered, shaved, and made sure that your wardrobe was perfect.
But thee is laid . . .on the top of your bed. Coiled like an angry King Cobra ready to lunge (with light speed) at you and bite your left leg and slowly pass away making sure that the girl whom you were going to take for dinner, would never talk to you again. But thank God it was only a tie. A simple invention, a piece of measured cloth, made to go around your neck and when the small end was tied around your neck, you were "dressed to the nines."
Now you had two hours to perfect your tie. You even coerced your "Uncle Lenny," a bachelor, man-about-town and experienced ladies man, to come over to help you tie your tie. You like "Uncle Lenny." You even trusted him with this very articulant moment that you knew would make you look classy and so "Sean Connerish," wearing your new shirt, pants, shoes and of course, your tie.
Sorry, but "Uncle Lenny," had drank so much whiskey that he forgot agreeing with him to come to your apartment, tie your tie, and both of you leave happy--but he was almost-ambushed by a gorgeous brunette, almost Ava Gardner's twin sister, who had been chasing him for weeks--and when he seen her, his mind and memory went blank.
You, on the other hand, sensed that "Uncle Lenny" was not going to make it, so he took on the task of tying your tie and you tried over and over, but the tie came out looking pure awful. The stress caused you to "sweat more than bullets." Now you were sweating diesel fuel that smelled worse than a busy landfill that was being used to flatten the trash by a huge bulldozer. So with that analogy, you just tied your tie the best that you could and when the hot girl laid eyes on you, she fell in love. Why? As you were walking up the sidewalk to her house to pick her up, you didn't notice that while you were driving to her house, your tie fell off your neck and into the floor. Now. There is a good lesson in this short description of how you failed "Tie Tying 101." So does a guy look better with or without a tie?
Ties: Embarrassing Hazards Waiting To Happen
as you knew that somehow in (my hubs) there is always a list or in this case, a few things that I added to help elaborate on ties and how they can cause a guy his pride, place in the neighborhood, his job, and finally, his lovely wife.
- When a guy is sitting listening to his boss and wife at a plush restaurant where the boss is going to promote the guy into a higher, better-paying promotion. But the boss' wife notices that his tie has been dangling halfway inside his glass of tea, but the poor guy doesn't know it. But she nudges her husband, the CEO and Chairman of this poor guy's company and thanks to his eagle eyes, he also spots the guy's fashion fau pax and decides to not promote him due to the fact that if the guy is not aware enough to know that his tie has soaked-up his ice tea, then he is not Promotion Material.
- To sneeze or suffer a heart attack? This is arguably the most-important question a guy will ever ask. He is in front of his college friends at their 20th Reunion, and a sneeze comes on him and comes out very blustery as a Kansas wind. So does the guy reach for his tie to suffice for the handkerchief (that he forgot) to bring or just let the sneeze fly all over his college pals? I cannot answer this. I never went to college, thereby, I do not have college pals.
- By the same token, if a guy loves to ride his bicycle to work as a means to save gas and be nice to the pollution, he has only one problem: the faster he pedals, the more his tie begins to drift from his chest to his eyes and uh, oh! He wrecks his bike directly behind a real collector's item, a mint-condition SAAB, meaning, Svenska Aeroplan Aktie Bolag, meaning Swedish Aeroplane Company, Ltd., and the bicyclist goes into the back (literally) into this car which was parked at a traffic light and the poor guy is sued by an elderly Swedish man who only bought a SAAB before they went bankrupt in 2011. The poor bike rider loses his job as well as he now has to pay $45,000.00 to the elderly man for damages to his SAAB.
- If you are into skydiving, please let me beg you to NEVER wear a tie as you leave the plane, and check to make sure that you are wearing a parachute because no matter how much you wiggle, squirm, and yell, that tie of yours WILL NOT let you fall to the ground without an injury.
One Last Tie Tip
if you are working in a 78-story office building (like Die Hard I, but NO Bruce Willis), you see a guy dressed in black, complete with black ski mask, and he yells for everyone to hit the floor or there will be trouble. Since you are a natural survivalist, you jerk-off your $946.00-dollar tie (that you bought at Brooks Bros., Atlanta) and you say to this terrorist, take me! I am ready to be your hostage, and tie the tie around your head covering your eyes. I would say that the dangerous terrorist laughs so hard that he leaves the building never to be seen or heard again, but I do not know that.
I may not know a lot, but what I do know is, I am not a Tie Guy, but I do know all about Tie Dies. (remember, I am a survivor of the Turbulent 60's).
June 14, 2019_____________________________________________________
© 2019 Kenneth Avery